*Here is a monologue that I wrote for Acting Class*
Every one's family is a little crazy. That's the deal with families. No matter what you do, they will always be there to drag you right back into their nut job world.
My family is your standard family. Mum, dad, two brothers, me. But then you add in the fact that my little brother spent a majority of his younger years pretending to be a cat, and now spends most of his time trying to create homemade rocket fuel. He is going to blow up my house one day. And throw in the fact that my older brother rarely eats carbohydrates because he is afraid of his body fat rising over a certain point, and how he tries to get rid of chocolate in my house because he wants to eat it but won't.
Or how my father decides that yanking me out from underneath my nice, warm covers by my ankles whilst singing the Hebrew alphabet at the top of his lungs is an acceptable way to wake up his teenage daughter on a Saturday.
The heart attack I suffered following that awakening topped all of the heart attack I suffer from living in my house. Honestly, it was like that movie, Taken. I thought that I was being abducted, and that I was going to die at the hands of some psychopathic Jewish school teacher. (I can say that, I'm Jewish. Besides this is my crazy brain we're talking about here.)
But alas, no. Just my dad being absolutely barking mad, as usual. Then Joshua came in and jumped on my bed, and joined in the singing. He sat on my stomach. It hurt. My mum and Jake were laughing their heads off. At my pain. What gives?
That's family for you. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can' t pick your family.
Even if I could, I'd pick them.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
HEYO WHAT IS THIS!!!!
Being the kind of kid who doesn't really like doing homework at normal times, it is 9:30 on Sunday and I've not done a drop. Hoo-freaking-ray. Anyfloozle, I thought I'd share a milestone with all y'all.
*drum roll please*
.........
I HAVE FIFTY FOLLOWERS!!!!
WHAT UP YO!!!
My blog's first birthday is around the corner and I have fifty followers. If I've accomplished anything this year, I'd say this was pretty good. So thank you to everyone who reads this twaddle and thanks to all of my bloggy-type mates. I luff you all to pieces.
God, I'm sentimental.
Thank you oh so very much. It means more than you think it does to have people who will read this and say 'Hey that wasn't too bad.' I fully expect all of you to buy my book if it ever gets published. I'm watching you *glares at you over the internet*
Just kidding (NOT REALLY MUAHAHAHA)
God. I love you all and stuff. Put caramel on top of this love sundae and I'm omnomnom it on down.
Okay, I'm done wittering on about absolutely nothing.
FIN.
Parting Joke:
My grandmother is a Cancer, which is ironic because she was actually killed by a giant crab.
Geddit?
Love and kisses,
Jen
*drum roll please*
.........
I HAVE FIFTY FOLLOWERS!!!!
WHAT UP YO!!!
My blog's first birthday is around the corner and I have fifty followers. If I've accomplished anything this year, I'd say this was pretty good. So thank you to everyone who reads this twaddle and thanks to all of my bloggy-type mates. I luff you all to pieces.
God, I'm sentimental.
Thank you oh so very much. It means more than you think it does to have people who will read this and say 'Hey that wasn't too bad.' I fully expect all of you to buy my book if it ever gets published. I'm watching you *glares at you over the internet*
Just kidding (NOT REALLY MUAHAHAHA)
God. I love you all and stuff. Put caramel on top of this love sundae and I'm omnomnom it on down.
Okay, I'm done wittering on about absolutely nothing.
FIN.
Parting Joke:
My grandmother is a Cancer, which is ironic because she was actually killed by a giant crab.
Geddit?
Love and kisses,
Jen
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Yeah... I'm Kind of Crap At This Whole 'Blogging' Thing
So I apologize to anyone who reads my blog, because it has been a week and a half, almost a fortnight, and I haven't posted a thing. So. Here is me, apologizing. To make up for it I will post adorable pictures of seals, and maybe a picture of me. O.O
Here is me, being sad. But instead of me, you have a sad seal. A very sad, adorable seal who is very very sorry for not posting.
Here is me, happy that maybe some of you will care. Happy seal is happy. How can you say no to a face like that. Oh my god, I just want to snorgle it and love it forever and ever.
Yeah, I said snorgle. Deal with it.
Many things have happened in the week and a half that I didn't talk to all y'all.
Not really, I just wanted to type that sentence. Don't judge me.
I am on vacation now, so, I have time to lounge around and do nothing. Which is false, because right now I am in the midst of planning a novel. I love how inspiration for a novel doesn't come during November. I could have won NaNoWriMo. But noooo, my brain has to get creative four months after.
Truth be told, I am really okay with this. I really like the idea I have right now and I want to make it the best that I can. I am actually combining my new idea with an idea that I had years ago. So long ago that the character names are written on my desk. But I'm not stealing the characters. Just the idea. The characters weren't fleshed out. The idea was pretty good though.
Here is another picture. I feel obligated to post them to keep you guys reading, since I'm being a boring old fart today.
Everytime I look at that photo, I die laughing. This is me, as a ghost, typing to you. I want to write more, but nothing interesting has happened to me as of late, but that could change. Keep in touch ya crazy kids.
One more picture, for good measure.
Yeah, I said snorgle. Deal with it.
Many things have happened in the week and a half that I didn't talk to all y'all.
Not really, I just wanted to type that sentence. Don't judge me.
I am on vacation now, so, I have time to lounge around and do nothing. Which is false, because right now I am in the midst of planning a novel. I love how inspiration for a novel doesn't come during November. I could have won NaNoWriMo. But noooo, my brain has to get creative four months after.
Truth be told, I am really okay with this. I really like the idea I have right now and I want to make it the best that I can. I am actually combining my new idea with an idea that I had years ago. So long ago that the character names are written on my desk. But I'm not stealing the characters. Just the idea. The characters weren't fleshed out. The idea was pretty good though.
Everytime I look at that photo, I die laughing. This is me, as a ghost, typing to you. I want to write more, but nothing interesting has happened to me as of late, but that could change. Keep in touch ya crazy kids.
One more picture, for good measure.
Get it? Moustache, must dash?
I fail.
Anyfloozle, I love all of you to bits and pieces, which I will then consume to get closer to your love. Anomanomanomanom.
Love and kisses,
L.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Just Call Me Myrtle, Because I Am About To Moan...
Clever title, right? I'm full of hilariosity. Honestly, I don't know how I live with myself.
But today isn't going to be all sunshine and roses and me being hilarious and bringing humor into your lives like a humor-bringing thing.
No. Today I'm going to moan.
If you don't like moaning, the exit is, quite literally, the X at the right or left of your screen, depending on the brand of computer you have.
Ready? Are they gone?
....
Good. If they are gone, I don't love them nearly as much as I love you all. Honestly. I love you all much more than them. Muchos kisses mi smallus amigos. (And I say that I'm in Spanish 3. What a laugh and a half.)
So let me tell you my story.
I have this issue where I was all high and mighty and didn't like anyone 'like that' for I want to say four years, which coming from a teenage girl, is like saying I've been a virgin lesbian monk for 79 years and that I have a beard and a moustache and I live in a cave in the Himalayas.
....
Obviously none of that is true, besides the bit about me not liking anyone for four years. But that is what I'm trying to get at. I haven't liked anyone for four years, which is nuts. My friends liked guys and fell out of like with guys and I was like their proverbial rock in the storm. They clung to my apparent freakish non-normal self because I had a clear head. That is clearly a lie, but I apparently offered the best advice on relationships, which is hilarious and ironic because I've never been in one. A relationship that is. Saying that I was going out with a guy for fifteen minutes in the sixth grade doesn't count.
Anyfloozle, this year I met a guy. Shocking beginning to the tale, I know. Like I said, I'm not a lesbian monk. But I met a guy. And he is really, really cool. And I guess it is a good thing he doesn't know that I have a blog, because then he would find this and he would know it was about him. And he would get a big inflated head and that is the last thing that I would want to happen. It's already inflated enough. But that's one of the reasons I like him, odd as that may sound.
I met him talking at a marching band parade. The first conversation we ever had we talked about how me and my friend Elliese have penis envy and we want to have one for one day only for the sole purpose of writing our names in the snow. This, ladies and germs, is what me and my friends think about. But he was funny. And we got to talking more. And, the blossom of LUUUURRRVVVE began to grow.
But then, the pruning sheers of horrible comments appeared. He said that he was like my brother. And I was all 'Suuuurrrreee!' and I said it with that horrible fake smile that feels like it has been plastered onto your face.
Then the flirting started. And there was a lot of it. I knew he was flirting with a lot of other girls, but me being vair vair pathetico, I thought I was different. So I kind of told him that I liked him. And then things left the Valley of the Casually Okay and entered the Mountains of the Majestically Awkward. We didn't talk for about a week and a half. Which, for those of you who don't know, is about seven years in teenage girl time.
So I wrote him a note like the romance novel heroine that I am and now we're friends again. But he's trying not to flirt with people anymore. Which sucks because I love hugging people. (I love hugging people. I love hugs. I will literally hug anyone. I don't care if I haven't known you that long, I will hug you.) And in trying not to flirt with people he's moaning to me about it.
And now I'm moaning to you. It's like the big circle of MOAN.
Or a pyramid of moan, since you can't moan to him about me moaning about him. Or if you can, please don't!
....
Wait, I didn't tell you his name, and as far as I know, none of you know him, so I'm in the free and clear!
Woopdedoo and PANTS!
Okay, moaning/storytime over. I just used all of you like a diary. Keep these secrets I have told you until you are cold and in the grave. And like Andrew Marvill said, you can't date in the grave. Or, well, Marvill didn't say that. He implied it though. I had my English midterm today - can you tell?
I feel like I've wittered on enough, like a wittering thing meant to witter away. I'll let you get back to your lives. They are probably much more interesting than mine.
Parting joke:
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first guy says to the bartender "Hey, I'll have some H2O!" The second guy goes "That sounds good. I'll have some H2O2."
The second guy died.
Love and kisses,
Jen
But today isn't going to be all sunshine and roses and me being hilarious and bringing humor into your lives like a humor-bringing thing.
No. Today I'm going to moan.
If you don't like moaning, the exit is, quite literally, the X at the right or left of your screen, depending on the brand of computer you have.
Ready? Are they gone?
....
Good. If they are gone, I don't love them nearly as much as I love you all. Honestly. I love you all much more than them. Muchos kisses mi smallus amigos. (And I say that I'm in Spanish 3. What a laugh and a half.)
So let me tell you my story.
I have this issue where I was all high and mighty and didn't like anyone 'like that' for I want to say four years, which coming from a teenage girl, is like saying I've been a virgin lesbian monk for 79 years and that I have a beard and a moustache and I live in a cave in the Himalayas.
....
Obviously none of that is true, besides the bit about me not liking anyone for four years. But that is what I'm trying to get at. I haven't liked anyone for four years, which is nuts. My friends liked guys and fell out of like with guys and I was like their proverbial rock in the storm. They clung to my apparent freakish non-normal self because I had a clear head. That is clearly a lie, but I apparently offered the best advice on relationships, which is hilarious and ironic because I've never been in one. A relationship that is. Saying that I was going out with a guy for fifteen minutes in the sixth grade doesn't count.
Anyfloozle, this year I met a guy. Shocking beginning to the tale, I know. Like I said, I'm not a lesbian monk. But I met a guy. And he is really, really cool. And I guess it is a good thing he doesn't know that I have a blog, because then he would find this and he would know it was about him. And he would get a big inflated head and that is the last thing that I would want to happen. It's already inflated enough. But that's one of the reasons I like him, odd as that may sound.
I met him talking at a marching band parade. The first conversation we ever had we talked about how me and my friend Elliese have penis envy and we want to have one for one day only for the sole purpose of writing our names in the snow. This, ladies and germs, is what me and my friends think about. But he was funny. And we got to talking more. And, the blossom of LUUUURRRVVVE began to grow.
But then, the pruning sheers of horrible comments appeared. He said that he was like my brother. And I was all 'Suuuurrrreee!' and I said it with that horrible fake smile that feels like it has been plastered onto your face.
Then the flirting started. And there was a lot of it. I knew he was flirting with a lot of other girls, but me being vair vair pathetico, I thought I was different. So I kind of told him that I liked him. And then things left the Valley of the Casually Okay and entered the Mountains of the Majestically Awkward. We didn't talk for about a week and a half. Which, for those of you who don't know, is about seven years in teenage girl time.
So I wrote him a note like the romance novel heroine that I am and now we're friends again. But he's trying not to flirt with people anymore. Which sucks because I love hugging people. (I love hugging people. I love hugs. I will literally hug anyone. I don't care if I haven't known you that long, I will hug you.) And in trying not to flirt with people he's moaning to me about it.
And now I'm moaning to you. It's like the big circle of MOAN.
Or a pyramid of moan, since you can't moan to him about me moaning about him. Or if you can, please don't!
....
Wait, I didn't tell you his name, and as far as I know, none of you know him, so I'm in the free and clear!
Woopdedoo and PANTS!
Okay, moaning/storytime over. I just used all of you like a diary. Keep these secrets I have told you until you are cold and in the grave. And like Andrew Marvill said, you can't date in the grave. Or, well, Marvill didn't say that. He implied it though. I had my English midterm today - can you tell?
I feel like I've wittered on enough, like a wittering thing meant to witter away. I'll let you get back to your lives. They are probably much more interesting than mine.
Parting joke:
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first guy says to the bartender "Hey, I'll have some H2O!" The second guy goes "That sounds good. I'll have some H2O2."
The second guy died.
Love and kisses,
Jen
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Updates and Things, Awards, And A Question.
Today's episode of "I'm Barking Mad" begins with some updates.
I feel like I haven't been posting enough. Yes? No? Yes? I just feel like we haven't been connecting enough recently, and I'd love to get back in touch with all of you lovelypoos.
I am seriously thinking of calling you all lovelypoos from now until the end of forever. If you have any qualms with this, take it up with Vince. *points to Vince. Vince is 6 foot 7 and has muscles the size of demon baby skulls. He flexes his bicep menacingly*
Yeah, Vince will FUCK YOU UP! *points again to Vince. Vince waves and continues to brush his My Little Pony's tail*
All attempts of intimidation are hereby abandoned.
Sooo, updates and things is first on today's agenda. Where to begin? Hmm...
Oh, funny story alert! *does the funny story salsa line polka*
So on Thursday last week, my school hosted a recital in which professional musicians donated their time and came and played for, well, just about no one. Which was really a shame because they were all fucking brilliant. At said recital were a few of my friends. I sat with my band friends and we all quietly mocked our conductor as he played the clarinet. If you've never seen someone play the clarinet, it does somewhat look like someone giving a blowjob. And he kept swaying. It was hilarious.
After the concert was over, we were all out in the lobby of my high school, eating the free food, because come on. Free food. How could I say no? My friend Alli saw this little girl she knew from camp and the little girl was all "HI ALLI!" and Alli was all "HI AURORA!" and then the little girl looked at me and went "Alli, you have a boyfriend!"
I was mortified. I choked on my cookie and coughed out "I'm a girl!" The little girl looked a little more than terrified to hear a girl's voice coming out of what she thought was a dude's body. When she walked away, me, Alli, and three of my other friends literally fell on the floor laughing. I was literally ROFL-ing. I wasn't LMAO-ing, because as far as I know, my ass is still present and accounted for.
But that was a very awkward time for me. A very, very awkward moment. It was right then that I kind of said in my brain "it is time to continue with the plan to grow my hair out." I have been growing my hair out. I just miss it, you know? And whenever some says "Oh, why are you growing your hair out? Your haircut is so cute!" I've been saying "I just miss my hair!" when I really want to say "Since when is it your business what I do with the dead cells that are growing out of my skull?" It isn't so, as a warning to all of you - DON'T ASK ABOUT MY HAIR!!! IT'S A TOUCHY SUBJECT AT THE CURRENT DATE!!!
In other news, I took the PSAT/NMSQT test on Saturday. That was a lovely way to kill three hours of my life. I think the thing that amused me most was that I was in the same classroom as last year when I took it, and the same schedule was written on the whiteboard next to me, word for word, both years. I was a little taken aback. It was kind of bizarre.
So those are my updates.
The next item on our agenda is awards.
The lovely Gabi from Crazy Socks and Ninja Bunnies gave me an award.
Lovelypoos! I got an award!
It's the Liebster Award, and basically I just have to say seven things about myself.
Let's-a-go, Mario!
1. I have an unnatural fascination with all things random. How tall can trees grow before they can physically grow no higher, because water cannot be transported any higher? 138 meters. Why did pirates wear eye patches? So that when they went into a dark place they already had an eye that was adjusted to the dark. Want more? Just ask.
2. I really want to possess a raspberry beret so that I can walk around with a ghetto blaster playing Raspberry Beret. This is what goes on in my mind.
3. Me and my friend Jacquie desperately want to find a place called Valid and dress up as invalids so we can in invalid invalids in Valid. Again, what goes on in my mind.
4. I love reading Science Daily. It is a guilty pleasure. And I tell my mother I don't want to be a doctor. Well, I do want to be a doctor. Doctor Who!
5. This is the best knock knock joke I've ever heard.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Doctor!
Doctor Who?
I feel like I haven't been posting enough. Yes? No? Yes? I just feel like we haven't been connecting enough recently, and I'd love to get back in touch with all of you lovelypoos.
I am seriously thinking of calling you all lovelypoos from now until the end of forever. If you have any qualms with this, take it up with Vince. *points to Vince. Vince is 6 foot 7 and has muscles the size of demon baby skulls. He flexes his bicep menacingly*
Yeah, Vince will FUCK YOU UP! *points again to Vince. Vince waves and continues to brush his My Little Pony's tail*
All attempts of intimidation are hereby abandoned.
Sooo, updates and things is first on today's agenda. Where to begin? Hmm...
Oh, funny story alert! *does the funny story salsa line polka*
So on Thursday last week, my school hosted a recital in which professional musicians donated their time and came and played for, well, just about no one. Which was really a shame because they were all fucking brilliant. At said recital were a few of my friends. I sat with my band friends and we all quietly mocked our conductor as he played the clarinet. If you've never seen someone play the clarinet, it does somewhat look like someone giving a blowjob. And he kept swaying. It was hilarious.
After the concert was over, we were all out in the lobby of my high school, eating the free food, because come on. Free food. How could I say no? My friend Alli saw this little girl she knew from camp and the little girl was all "HI ALLI!" and Alli was all "HI AURORA!" and then the little girl looked at me and went "Alli, you have a boyfriend!"
I was mortified. I choked on my cookie and coughed out "I'm a girl!" The little girl looked a little more than terrified to hear a girl's voice coming out of what she thought was a dude's body. When she walked away, me, Alli, and three of my other friends literally fell on the floor laughing. I was literally ROFL-ing. I wasn't LMAO-ing, because as far as I know, my ass is still present and accounted for.
But that was a very awkward time for me. A very, very awkward moment. It was right then that I kind of said in my brain "it is time to continue with the plan to grow my hair out." I have been growing my hair out. I just miss it, you know? And whenever some says "Oh, why are you growing your hair out? Your haircut is so cute!" I've been saying "I just miss my hair!" when I really want to say "Since when is it your business what I do with the dead cells that are growing out of my skull?" It isn't so, as a warning to all of you - DON'T ASK ABOUT MY HAIR!!! IT'S A TOUCHY SUBJECT AT THE CURRENT DATE!!!
In other news, I took the PSAT/NMSQT test on Saturday. That was a lovely way to kill three hours of my life. I think the thing that amused me most was that I was in the same classroom as last year when I took it, and the same schedule was written on the whiteboard next to me, word for word, both years. I was a little taken aback. It was kind of bizarre.
So those are my updates.
The next item on our agenda is awards.
The lovely Gabi from Crazy Socks and Ninja Bunnies gave me an award.
Lovelypoos! I got an award!
It's the Liebster Award, and basically I just have to say seven things about myself.
Let's-a-go, Mario!
1. I have an unnatural fascination with all things random. How tall can trees grow before they can physically grow no higher, because water cannot be transported any higher? 138 meters. Why did pirates wear eye patches? So that when they went into a dark place they already had an eye that was adjusted to the dark. Want more? Just ask.
2. I really want to possess a raspberry beret so that I can walk around with a ghetto blaster playing Raspberry Beret. This is what goes on in my mind.
3. Me and my friend Jacquie desperately want to find a place called Valid and dress up as invalids so we can in invalid invalids in Valid. Again, what goes on in my mind.
4. I love reading Science Daily. It is a guilty pleasure. And I tell my mother I don't want to be a doctor. Well, I do want to be a doctor. Doctor Who!
5. This is the best knock knock joke I've ever heard.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Doctor!
Doctor Who?
Correct!
You're welcome, lovelypoos.
6. Whenever I meet someone new, I make subtle jokes to things that I'm really interested in to see if they will get the reference. If they do, then I get all happy and I'm sure that we'll be friends. If not, they just think I'm weird, and that I'm okay with.
7. I have a huge fascination with cooking. Like, I really love cooking. I have a whole notebook dedicated to recipes. I love baking more than life. I love eating more than life.
I'm not going to tag anyone right now, because I do have other things to do, but I will. Eventually. I'm just going to procrastinate a bit.
And now to the third article on our agenda. The question.
NO, not THAT question. The answer is 42, by the way, if you were wondering.
The question that I'm going to ask is this:
If I were to potentially post some of the story that I'm working on onto this blog, would you guys
A) enjoy that
B) hate it
C) be indifferent, but probably not read (not that my views are super high to begin with, I get on average 5 a post)
D) What is this? Where am I? WHAT IS GOING ON?
Let me know, the four of you that read this.
I do want to please someone.
NOT LIKE THAT, PERV-O!
Parting joke:
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Umm, Genocide?
RIGHT ANSWER!
Love and kisses,
L.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
IF YOU CLICK THE LINK IN THIS POST, I WILL GIVE YOU A POSITION OF POWER IN MY GOVERNMENT WHEN I TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH MIND CONTROLLING PORPOISES!!!!
CLICK THIS!!!!
My school is entered in the Glee Give a Note Contest, and we need, and I need, you guys' help!!!
Go to this link once a day, from multiple IP addresses if you could, and vote up my school!
I know that I'm foisting this on you guys, but I really need your help to get money for my music program.
Music is really important to me, and I would love it if you guys would help.
Seriously, I would be forever in your debt.
You can have my first born child!!!!
I'll name the kid after you, and then give it to you! It can be your slave and feed you grapes or other shit!!!
Just clicky the linky and make me a very happy person!!!
Plus, I'm in the video. Yes, I am. Near the end, and it is awesome. I'm lip-synching to Don't Stop Believing. I'm the one with short hair who is being awesome. You will know me when you see me. I exude awesome. For realzies, you guys. [Update: you see me for like one second. It is near the very end; I'm singing and I have a flute. I'm wearing a dark, long sleeved t-shirt. Just so you know that I exist and I'm not just some hologram of awesome all of you have simultaneously hallucinated about.]
Please help. It would be awesome. And I would love you for it.
I will write a proper, non-foisty post later this week. K? K.
LOVE AND KISSES AND CLICK THE LINK!!!! :D
Jen
My school is entered in the Glee Give a Note Contest, and we need, and I need, you guys' help!!!
Go to this link once a day, from multiple IP addresses if you could, and vote up my school!
I know that I'm foisting this on you guys, but I really need your help to get money for my music program.
Music is really important to me, and I would love it if you guys would help.
Seriously, I would be forever in your debt.
You can have my first born child!!!!
I'll name the kid after you, and then give it to you! It can be your slave and feed you grapes or other shit!!!
Just clicky the linky and make me a very happy person!!!
Plus, I'm in the video. Yes, I am. Near the end, and it is awesome. I'm lip-synching to Don't Stop Believing. I'm the one with short hair who is being awesome. You will know me when you see me. I exude awesome. For realzies, you guys. [Update: you see me for like one second. It is near the very end; I'm singing and I have a flute. I'm wearing a dark, long sleeved t-shirt. Just so you know that I exist and I'm not just some hologram of awesome all of you have simultaneously hallucinated about.]
Please help. It would be awesome. And I would love you for it.
I will write a proper, non-foisty post later this week. K? K.
LOVE AND KISSES AND CLICK THE LINK!!!! :D
Jen
Sunday, September 25, 2011
I Feel So Wonderful Right Now
And I really do. I really truly do. Mentally. Physically I've had a headache the size of Kansas all day, and psychologically I feel inferior to the huge pile of winter clothing that is sitting on my floor, glaring at me. Well, not glaring, since it is just a pile of clothing and therefore doesn't have eyes with which to glare at me. MOVING ON!
One reason I'm feeling so happy is that I've found a new comedian to love. His name is Russell Howard and he is BLOODY HILARIOUS. And British. Which just makes him awesome. Case in point, click here. LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. "I said no such thing." What a genius. Where did I find this guy? BBC America. Because I am a loser and I watched TV last night until midnight, watching this comedy show. And thank God I did, or I'd have missed this guy. And he's hilarious. For real. Click my link. You know you want to. *Seductive face.* Oh god, that was so intentionally dirty. And in related news, in the same TV show, I saw Danny Bhoy, who is a Scottish comedian who is hilarious as well. I don't have any links for him. But you should look him up. He's quite funny.
Another reason I'm so happy is that I have ice on my head. In a lovely little ice-pack called Betty. Have I mentioned Betty? (I literally just checked my old blog posts for ten minutes trying to find Betty and I couldn't. So, I've apparently never mentioned her.) Betty is my ice pack. She is lovely. And cold.
Another reason I'm happy is that I've finally eaten. It was a homemade mashed potatoes, corn and popcorn chicken. With cranberry sauce! Nomnomnom. Now I'm not starving to death.
Another reason is that I realized that my father is a hipster. He drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon. It explains all of my hipster tendencies.
And the last reason I'm feeling wonderful is that I've jumped from 19 followers to 28 followers in a week.
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!!!
THANKS SO MUCH FOR FOLLOWING!!!!
Parting joke:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Amy!
Amy who?
Amy fraid this is the wrong house! I don't know you, either!
Love and kisses,
L.
One reason I'm feeling so happy is that I've found a new comedian to love. His name is Russell Howard and he is BLOODY HILARIOUS. And British. Which just makes him awesome. Case in point, click here. LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. "I said no such thing." What a genius. Where did I find this guy? BBC America. Because I am a loser and I watched TV last night until midnight, watching this comedy show. And thank God I did, or I'd have missed this guy. And he's hilarious. For real. Click my link. You know you want to. *Seductive face.* Oh god, that was so intentionally dirty. And in related news, in the same TV show, I saw Danny Bhoy, who is a Scottish comedian who is hilarious as well. I don't have any links for him. But you should look him up. He's quite funny.
Another reason I'm so happy is that I have ice on my head. In a lovely little ice-pack called Betty. Have I mentioned Betty? (I literally just checked my old blog posts for ten minutes trying to find Betty and I couldn't. So, I've apparently never mentioned her.) Betty is my ice pack. She is lovely. And cold.
Another reason I'm happy is that I've finally eaten. It was a homemade mashed potatoes, corn and popcorn chicken. With cranberry sauce! Nomnomnom. Now I'm not starving to death.
Another reason is that I realized that my father is a hipster. He drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon. It explains all of my hipster tendencies.
And the last reason I'm feeling wonderful is that I've jumped from 19 followers to 28 followers in a week.
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!!!
THANKS SO MUCH FOR FOLLOWING!!!!
Parting joke:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Amy!
Amy who?
Amy fraid this is the wrong house! I don't know you, either!
Love and kisses,
L.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Harry Potter Pick Up Lines
I know that most of you are Pals of Potter, and are rabid avid members of the DA, so when I found these, I felt I needed to share them with you. No special occasion, just the mutual love of Potter.
If you don't like Harry Potter, GET THE FUCK OUT. Not really, I love you, but, you might not get it. And that wouldn't be any fun.
ARE YOU READY? HERE WE GO THEN!
Harry Potter Pick Up Lines: Guaranteed To Work Better Than Amortentia!
You must be a Triwizard Champion because my goblet is on fire!
I'd like to get my basilisk into your Chamber of Secrets!
Have you heard of Platform 9 3/4? Well, I can think of something else with the same exact measurements!
I've been whomping my willow thinking about you!
Did you just use Petrificus Totalus? Because you just made me stiff!
I may not be an animagus, but I can sure be an animal!
My name may not be Luna, but I sure do know how to love good!
You don't need Lumos Maxima to turn me on!
If I was to look into the Mirror of Erised, I would see you, naked!
Do you play quidditch? How about taking a ride on my broomstick?
The thought of you makes something vast and silvery come out of my wand...
Why don't I make like Salazar and Slytherin side of you? (Say it. It makes sense aloud.)
You don't need Engorgio to enlarge this!
Call me your house elf and I'll do whatever you want without any clothes...
A couple of nights with me and Moaning Myrtle will have to get a new nickname!
Wingardium Leviosa isn't the reason why I'm rising!
You're like a bottle of Skele-Gro, growing me a bone!
And my personal favorite...
I don't know a thing about Merlin's Pants, but I'd love to get into yours!
***********
So there you have it. I guarantee that these willalways, sometimes, occasionally, on alternate Thursdays, you won't get a restraining order, I promise work.
Enjoy!
Parting joke:
Your face.
Oh yes, it is joke enough.
Just kidding!
Love and kisses,
L.
If you don't like Harry Potter, GET THE FUCK OUT. Not really, I love you, but, you might not get it. And that wouldn't be any fun.
ARE YOU READY? HERE WE GO THEN!
Harry Potter Pick Up Lines: Guaranteed To Work Better Than Amortentia!
You must be a Triwizard Champion because my goblet is on fire!
I'd like to get my basilisk into your Chamber of Secrets!
Have you heard of Platform 9 3/4? Well, I can think of something else with the same exact measurements!
I've been whomping my willow thinking about you!
Did you just use Petrificus Totalus? Because you just made me stiff!
I may not be an animagus, but I can sure be an animal!
My name may not be Luna, but I sure do know how to love good!
You don't need Lumos Maxima to turn me on!
If I was to look into the Mirror of Erised, I would see you, naked!
Do you play quidditch? How about taking a ride on my broomstick?
The thought of you makes something vast and silvery come out of my wand...
Why don't I make like Salazar and Slytherin side of you? (Say it. It makes sense aloud.)
You don't need Engorgio to enlarge this!
Call me your house elf and I'll do whatever you want without any clothes...
A couple of nights with me and Moaning Myrtle will have to get a new nickname!
Wingardium Leviosa isn't the reason why I'm rising!
You're like a bottle of Skele-Gro, growing me a bone!
And my personal favorite...
I don't know a thing about Merlin's Pants, but I'd love to get into yours!
***********
So there you have it. I guarantee that these will
Enjoy!
Parting joke:
Your face.
Oh yes, it is joke enough.
Just kidding!
Love and kisses,
L.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
THE LEGS AND THE NOSE HAVE GONE!!! WHAT NO!!!!!!!!
For those of you who don't watch Doctor Who, be forewarned. This whole post is about Doctor Who. It really is. So either suck it up and read or don't read this post. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Alright, so I'm like the biggest Doctor Who fan ever, right? And my friend's never seen it, yeah? So tonight of all nights I decided to watch it with her because I was hanging out and I really wanted her to see it.
What I didn't know is that tonight was the episode where two of my favorite companions left. THEY LEFT THE SHOW YOU GUYS!!!!!! I'VE BEEN ABANDONED!!!!!!!
Rory and Amy Williams. The nose and the legs. I am going to cry.
So, funny story. On my first blog, which you can find here if you want to read some family friendly ramblings of a thirteen year old, on the second post, which you can find here, I talk about Doctor Who. I have been a Whovian for a long time. Three years. Whatever, it felt like a long time to me!!!
Anyway, tonight's episode. Did not get that Rory and Amy were leaving until they were leaving and I was sitting on my friend's couch crying because I didn't know what to do with myself. Honestly.
Words I texted to a friend, while crying: RORY AND AMY ARE GONE AND MY HEART IS BREAKING AND I'M GOING TO CRY MY EYES OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once I knew it was coming, once I figured it out, I think it was worse. Because then I was sitting on a couch with someone who's never seen the show before, trying to explain why having Amy say goodbye to the Doctor wasn't just a regular occurence, and that Rory and Amy were never going to be companions again and that I was going to have a good cry for a minute, if that was OK (it was; I love my friend Jacquie).
I had an inkling, earlier in the show, when Rory said "spent time" as in "past tense" as in "no longer are spending time" and then I kind of stored that information away in the folder of my brain where I emotionally deal with things LATER not at the present.
This is going to hit me so hard tomorrow. It is going to be really bad for a few days. Really really bad. Almost as bad as when David Tennant left. I bawled my eyes out in the kitchen when he regenerated. "I don't want to go". I didn't want him to go. And I don't want Rory and Amy to go. THE NOSE AND THE LEGS CAN'T LEAVE!!!!! MOFFAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?! Stephen Moffat, while I respect you with all of my heart, I will never forgive you for letting Amy and Rory go. Seriously!!!@!#U217407oryeoriywqro324. Sorry. That just needed to come out. Arthur, Matt and Karen had the best chemistry as actors together. Really, it was just dead brilliant. You could tell that they genuinely enjoyed working together, and that they were genuine friends, it wasn't faked for the camera. They seemed like going out to the pub after work friends, not see you tomorrow work friends. Ohmygod I'm so upset.
I'm sorry that I'm unloading all of my emotional trauma onto you guys. I love you forever if you are still reading. And before you all laugh at me for being emotionally attached to a show, I have an explanation.
Doctor Who allows me to believe that there is something beautiful and wonderful out there. And even though I will never get to experience it, or be there, I still believe that it is wonderful. I believe (not really I'm not mental)that there is a mad man with a box out there and he is saving the universe. And I think that having that belief helps me cope when I have an existential crisis of identity. I like believing that there is a British-accented, 900+ year old Time Lord out there who takes people away with him and they get to see extraordinary things. I like believing that. I don't know. It helps when the stars seem so infinite, and I seem so small.
I will always love the Doctor. Always.
I'm crying again, you guys, this isn't fun.
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!
Love and kisses,
L.
Alright, so I'm like the biggest Doctor Who fan ever, right? And my friend's never seen it, yeah? So tonight of all nights I decided to watch it with her because I was hanging out and I really wanted her to see it.
What I didn't know is that tonight was the episode where two of my favorite companions left. THEY LEFT THE SHOW YOU GUYS!!!!!! I'VE BEEN ABANDONED!!!!!!!
Rory and Amy Williams. The nose and the legs. I am going to cry.
So, funny story. On my first blog, which you can find here if you want to read some family friendly ramblings of a thirteen year old, on the second post, which you can find here, I talk about Doctor Who. I have been a Whovian for a long time. Three years. Whatever, it felt like a long time to me!!!
Anyway, tonight's episode. Did not get that Rory and Amy were leaving until they were leaving and I was sitting on my friend's couch crying because I didn't know what to do with myself. Honestly.
Words I texted to a friend, while crying: RORY AND AMY ARE GONE AND MY HEART IS BREAKING AND I'M GOING TO CRY MY EYES OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once I knew it was coming, once I figured it out, I think it was worse. Because then I was sitting on a couch with someone who's never seen the show before, trying to explain why having Amy say goodbye to the Doctor wasn't just a regular occurence, and that Rory and Amy were never going to be companions again and that I was going to have a good cry for a minute, if that was OK (it was; I love my friend Jacquie).
I had an inkling, earlier in the show, when Rory said "spent time" as in "past tense" as in "no longer are spending time" and then I kind of stored that information away in the folder of my brain where I emotionally deal with things LATER not at the present.
This is going to hit me so hard tomorrow. It is going to be really bad for a few days. Really really bad. Almost as bad as when David Tennant left. I bawled my eyes out in the kitchen when he regenerated. "I don't want to go". I didn't want him to go. And I don't want Rory and Amy to go. THE NOSE AND THE LEGS CAN'T LEAVE!!!!! MOFFAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?! Stephen Moffat, while I respect you with all of my heart, I will never forgive you for letting Amy and Rory go. Seriously!!!@!#U217407oryeoriywqro324. Sorry. That just needed to come out. Arthur, Matt and Karen had the best chemistry as actors together. Really, it was just dead brilliant. You could tell that they genuinely enjoyed working together, and that they were genuine friends, it wasn't faked for the camera. They seemed like going out to the pub after work friends, not see you tomorrow work friends. Ohmygod I'm so upset.
I'm sorry that I'm unloading all of my emotional trauma onto you guys. I love you forever if you are still reading. And before you all laugh at me for being emotionally attached to a show, I have an explanation.
Doctor Who allows me to believe that there is something beautiful and wonderful out there. And even though I will never get to experience it, or be there, I still believe that it is wonderful. I believe (not really I'm not mental)that there is a mad man with a box out there and he is saving the universe. And I think that having that belief helps me cope when I have an existential crisis of identity. I like believing that there is a British-accented, 900+ year old Time Lord out there who takes people away with him and they get to see extraordinary things. I like believing that. I don't know. It helps when the stars seem so infinite, and I seem so small.
I will always love the Doctor. Always.
I'm crying again, you guys, this isn't fun.
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!
Love and kisses,
L.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Keep Calm, It's Going To Be Totally Awesome
If you see the quote "Alas, ...", what is your automatic response to it?
Choose.
A.) I failed.
B.) Earwax.
C.) Peanut Brittle.
D.) It's over.
If you chose A or D, you have no imagination whatsoever.
If you chose C, I want whatever your on.
If you chose B, you are my best friend ever. (Or Isabel T., which is basically the same thing.)
For those of you who are awesome, you probably guessed what this post was going to be about from the title, which is a quote from A Very Potter Musical, which I've mentioned a lot on this blog. So, if you can deduce it, if you've been taking your smart pills, you could probably guess that this is going to be a very long, very involved, possibly tear-jerking post about HOW MUCH I FREAKING LOVE HARRY POTTER.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system, a warning: If you do not like Harry Potter, leave now. Leave right now and never come back. (Not really; please come back! I'll still love you if you don't like Harry Potter. Though probably a little less than I did before.)
You've been warned.
Choose.
A.) I failed.
B.) Earwax.
C.) Peanut Brittle.
D.) It's over.
If you chose A or D, you have no imagination whatsoever.
If you chose C, I want whatever your on.
If you chose B, you are my best friend ever. (Or Isabel T., which is basically the same thing.)
For those of you who are awesome, you probably guessed what this post was going to be about from the title, which is a quote from A Very Potter Musical, which I've mentioned a lot on this blog. So, if you can deduce it, if you've been taking your smart pills, you could probably guess that this is going to be a very long, very involved, possibly tear-jerking post about HOW MUCH I FREAKING LOVE HARRY POTTER.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system, a warning: If you do not like Harry Potter, leave now. Leave right now and never come back. (Not really; please come back! I'll still love you if you don't like Harry Potter. Though probably a little less than I did before.)
You've been warned.
I am going to start this off with a huge I AM A GIGANTIC, HUMONGOUS, FANTASTICALLY AWESOME NERD. And I am specifically a nerd for Harry Potter. I wasn't even born when the series first came into fruition. I was born later, which kind of is bizarre to me. My whole entire life, my whole life I've had Harry Potter in it. There hasn't been a period in my life when Harry Potter didn't exist. That is mad. And by mad I mean crazy. See? I think that Harry Potter was the first thing that introduced me to Britain and its awesomeness. And I've never stopped loving it. I use British terms all of the time, thanks to Potter. It began my fascination. Seriously.
Secondly, I'm not one of those obnoxious people who think about Harry Potter 24/7. I know my limits. I seriously could link it to everything and anything in my life, but I don't. I have friends who do that, and frankly I find it annoying. I love these books, and seriously wish that I was J.K. Rowling, but I have standards. I haven't read the series in full in about a year and a half. Not ony do I not have the time, I just have other stuff to read. But that's the great thing. I can go and read other books, and still have time to say, 'You know what, it's time to read Harry Potter again.' And I just do. It's like going home. As sad and patheic it is to say that.
Thirdly, it is time for the awkward confession of the day. I used to pretend I was a character in Harry Potter (Sorry Is!). Like intensely. And until I was about 12. Seriously. Don't mock.
Fourthly, I love everything to do with Potterlore. A Very Potter Musical and Wrock music anyone? I have friends who are Potter purists, and they only like the books and I'm like WHY? Why wouldn't you want to immerse yourself in this honest-to-goodness subculture? This is probably the only place that I feel comfortable pigeonholing myself into. I am a Potter Nerd. This is final.
Fifthly, it is Thursday night, I have work tomorrow, I'm listening to Wrock music and as soon as I finish this post I'm rereading the 7th book. And then tomorrow I'm going to see the Final Harry Potter Movie dressed up as Draco Malfoy. I'm really nice now, you guys. It is going to be totally awesome.
Sixthly, I just love these books. The characters, literally, are my best friends. I feel closer to Harry, Ron, and Hermione than I do to some of my honest-to-hopkirk friends. Like, flesh and blood friends. I'm closer to fictional characters than to real people. If that isn't devotion I don't know what is.
Seventhly, I just love these books. They were the perfect escape as a kid, when I was weird and didn't have many friends. I found friends in Harry, Ron, and Hermione. I found a home at Hogwarts. I found myself in those books. And no matter what, I will always be waiting for my letter...
So yeah, I really love Harry Potter. I kind of banged this post out, and when I go see the movie tomorrow, Red Vines in tow, I will totally write a review.
GET PUMPED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW I AMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!
And in the words of the immortal Albus Wolfric Percival Brian Dumbledore, here is my ideas on the whole series.
"Well of course this was happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
And with that I bid you adieu; I have some book to read.
Big sopping kisses to all,
*MWA.
Friday, June 3, 2011
If You Fit These Requirements, Find Me Right Away And Propose Marriage
Confession time: I've only had one boyfriend. And it was in sixth grade and it only lasted the time it takes to walk in between classes, so I don't think that it counts. Also, I'm in the Never Been Kissed Club. In fact, I'm the Chairman. Chairwoman. Chairgirl. Whatever, you get my point.
Anyway, my solidarity has not been forcibly thrust upon me, but there are a few reasons why I am not shackled in a doomed relationship at the current date and time. One of the reasons is that the town I live in is so obscenely small and I've known all of the boys in it for far too long. They all have an idea of who I am - a very intelligent smart ass (I never said that they were wrong!) - and they really don't feel like trying to get to know me any better. Pity for them.
I am A-OK with this. I wouldn't want to date any of the guys I know anyway. My two closest guy friends are insane. One is a cat-worshipping atheist with an IQ so high I wonder why he meows all the time, and the other is an amazing track star who has issues with touching and expressing emotions.
I wish that I could make stuff like this up.
I really do.
Another reason why I am not dating a male of this species is that I feel that I, as a person, am so not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. Seriously. I have the emotional range of a spoon. Less than that. I have the emotional range of the spork, the sterile offspring of the fork and the spoon. My friends all are very interested in boys, and while I do agree that they are often nice to look at and talk to, I don't feel the deep seated need to prove myself as an adequate female by dating. All that can wait until college. Besides, high school guys are soooo passe. I kid. Not really.
A final reason is that I am quite an adept story teller.
Why is this important, you wonder, scratching your heads and sipping your tea thoughtfully.
I'll tell you - As a story teller, writer, future millionaire, what have you, I create characters. Lots and lots of characters. And quite a few of these characters are boys.
Catch my drift?
I have, in my head, created my perfect man. Boy. Person. Shut up brain, they all get the point.
So, without further ado, here is my list of requirements for the perfect man. Or my perfect man. Screw it, this is what I find attractive.
JENNELLE'S LIST OF ATTRACTIVE ATTRIBUTES FOR MALES OF THE HUMAN SPECIES
1. Height - height is a necessity. I cannot marry a short guy. I'm 5 feet, 1 inch flat. I will not have midget children. We all saw what happened to Snooki. Although, if I did have midget children, I would pressure them into becoming actors and actresses, because the movie industry always needs their midgets. I'm already a horrible parent. Teehee.
2. Accents - Of any way, shape, or form. I love all accents. Especially British ones. Yummy scrumboes. Just pretend to have an accent and you will have me falling into a pile of girlish jello on the ground, giggling like a girlish pile of jello that is a homicidal maniac.
3. Religion - I know that this sounds weird, but since I'm Jewish, I kind of want to marry someone Christian, or some other religion. My mum is a lapsed Irish Catholic, and my dad is a non-practicing Reform Jew. What does that make me? A Jew who celebrates Christmas and Easter, along with Hanukkah and Passover. I feel more culturally attached to Judaism, and consider myself Jewish, but I want my kids to have the multi-religious celebrations in their life. I think that you find a greater appreciation for all things when you see all of the sides of the dice. So religion is important. And I won't be able to marry anyone who doesn't let me teach my children about what I believe in. Shit just got real, right? Next one's vapid.
4. Marginally More Attractive Than I Am - That way, when people see me with him, especially women, they will look at me and go "Lucky BITCH!!!" But I don't want him to be so much more attractive than me that when people look at me and him they go "Why the hell is that poor sucker with that night troll?" I do have standards for myself.
5. No Mental Illnesses - Seriously, homicidal maniacs are good for a laugh and all, and multiple personality disorderlies are just full of shits and giggles, and schizos are just a barrel of monkeys, but there is a point where you have to draw the line and be like "WHOA, you just stabbed the couch and told it that if it tried to make a move on me you would kill its family. I'm going."
6. Muscles Are Appreciated, But Not A Necessity - I do like muscles as much as the next girl, but honestly they aren't necessary. It's the 21st century. If we were back in the days of the CroMagnon, then yes, I'd like a guy with muscles to protect me with from all of the woolly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers roaming around outside of our cave. But, like I said, it's the 21st century. The only thing my guy would have to protect me from is the yappy chihuahua that lives down the street. But a six pack is nice.
7. Has To Like Rock Music - This is a necessity. I love rock music. I live on rock music. When I was little, my dad introduced me to the Beatles in chronological order. I am a music nerd. So my theoretical guy must like music. All music. Except country music. Country music can burn in HELL.
8. Cannot Make Fun Of My Love Of Musical Theater - And should preferably be into acting himself. Example: Joey Richter (Ron in A Very Potter Musical).
9. Has To Be A Literature Geek - The answer to life is 42. Deep Thought told me that. I woke up one morning and found that I couldn't open the door because the doorknob made me feel sick and empty on the inside. If you're going to leave Verona, take a phone with you and text me your plans. I wouldn't want you to die on me. I will never grow up. I will fight that stupid hooked man until I die, but I never will, so HAHAHA I crow! It is common knowledge that a lit geek in want of another lit geek should find one eventually. If you got any of that, you are my love.
10. Has To Be Musical - I know that that is a lot to ask, but a guy gets exponentially hotter to me if he can play an instrument. Seriously.
11. GEEKY - This has to happen. I want one of those awesome nerdy relationships where we meet at ComiCon and end up having a wedding cake that is a chimera of PacMan and Star Wars. I want him to say "I love you" first, so I can say "I know", like Leia did to Han in The Return of the Jedi. I need this guy to be OK with consoling me when I cry inconsolably at Toy Story and Finding Nemo. I need this guy to be OK with me laughing at Saw, which I found so horribly overdone and fake. I need this guy to have debates with me over who Buffy was better with, Spike or Angel (it was Spike, the way. Forever and ever. "I love you." "No you don't. But thanks for saying it." I cried so hard.) (If you got what I was talking about there, I love you.). I need this guy to be okay when I leave him for David Tennant.
12. Movie Buff - "Oh Captain, my Captain." "Such obscene gestures from such a pristine girl." "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." "You bob for apples in the toilet, and you like it!" "There is no try, only do." "Do you remember that time we dipped you in tar and stuck you to the back of an angry water buffalo?" "'Where are my pants?' 'They're in my hope chest!'" "Lighten up, Francis." "I would rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without ever knowing you." "Seriously, don't call me Shirley." If you know what movies any of the quotes above are from, I love you forever.
13. Must Have Heaping Portions Of Sarcasm And Witticisms To Spare - I pride myself on sometimes having an acerbic wit, and I would like whoever I end up shacking up with to at least be on the same level as me. In other words, my dream guy must be incredibly quick-witted. I love good verbal foreplay.
14. Black Hair, Blue Eyes - I don't know what it is, but something about this combination is just really sexy to me. I also want blue eyed kids, and I know for a fact that I carry a recessive blue-eye allele.
15. Disregard Everything Above - For the most part. I do like certain things (science fiction TV shows from Britain, movies, Rock music, being sarcastic) but honestly, I don't care about any of it. So long as a guy is respectful, treats me right, and feels the same way about me that I feel about him, I could give a flying fuck about anything else. I am a hopeless romantic under all of these onion-y layers of poisonous wit and sarcastic barbs. I may seem cynical but underneath it all I really am just a wide eyed little kid who has no idea about love or anything that resembles it. I kind of just bared my soul there, so don't laugh. Or I will kill you and hide your body in the bog in my backyard, and in 2000 years it will be found, perfectly preserved, with the words "Hello From The Past" legible on your back where I wrote it in indelible ink. I'm not creepy at all.
Yeah, so that was my extremely long, involved list that ultimately didn't mean anything at all. I hope you enjoyed reading it. I certainly had fun creating it. (I lie; I spent hours slaving over it, quietly crying into my pillow as I agonized over the right words.) (I lie; it took me about an hour and I didn't proofread, so no hating on my spelling mishaps.)
So, um...
I hate ending posts.
Parting joke:
What do you call a sick alligator?
An illigator!
I know, I know, so lame. I collect lame jokes as a hobby. No judging.
Big sopping kisses to you all.
Anyway, my solidarity has not been forcibly thrust upon me, but there are a few reasons why I am not shackled in a doomed relationship at the current date and time. One of the reasons is that the town I live in is so obscenely small and I've known all of the boys in it for far too long. They all have an idea of who I am - a very intelligent smart ass (I never said that they were wrong!) - and they really don't feel like trying to get to know me any better. Pity for them.
I am A-OK with this. I wouldn't want to date any of the guys I know anyway. My two closest guy friends are insane. One is a cat-worshipping atheist with an IQ so high I wonder why he meows all the time, and the other is an amazing track star who has issues with touching and expressing emotions.
I wish that I could make stuff like this up.
I really do.
Another reason why I am not dating a male of this species is that I feel that I, as a person, am so not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. Seriously. I have the emotional range of a spoon. Less than that. I have the emotional range of the spork, the sterile offspring of the fork and the spoon. My friends all are very interested in boys, and while I do agree that they are often nice to look at and talk to, I don't feel the deep seated need to prove myself as an adequate female by dating. All that can wait until college. Besides, high school guys are soooo passe. I kid. Not really.
A final reason is that I am quite an adept story teller.
Why is this important, you wonder, scratching your heads and sipping your tea thoughtfully.
I'll tell you - As a story teller, writer, future millionaire, what have you, I create characters. Lots and lots of characters. And quite a few of these characters are boys.
Catch my drift?
I have, in my head, created my perfect man. Boy. Person. Shut up brain, they all get the point.
So, without further ado, here is my list of requirements for the perfect man. Or my perfect man. Screw it, this is what I find attractive.
JENNELLE'S LIST OF ATTRACTIVE ATTRIBUTES FOR MALES OF THE HUMAN SPECIES
1. Height - height is a necessity. I cannot marry a short guy. I'm 5 feet, 1 inch flat. I will not have midget children. We all saw what happened to Snooki. Although, if I did have midget children, I would pressure them into becoming actors and actresses, because the movie industry always needs their midgets. I'm already a horrible parent. Teehee.
2. Accents - Of any way, shape, or form. I love all accents. Especially British ones. Yummy scrumboes. Just pretend to have an accent and you will have me falling into a pile of girlish jello on the ground, giggling like a girlish pile of jello that is a homicidal maniac.
3. Religion - I know that this sounds weird, but since I'm Jewish, I kind of want to marry someone Christian, or some other religion. My mum is a lapsed Irish Catholic, and my dad is a non-practicing Reform Jew. What does that make me? A Jew who celebrates Christmas and Easter, along with Hanukkah and Passover. I feel more culturally attached to Judaism, and consider myself Jewish, but I want my kids to have the multi-religious celebrations in their life. I think that you find a greater appreciation for all things when you see all of the sides of the dice. So religion is important. And I won't be able to marry anyone who doesn't let me teach my children about what I believe in. Shit just got real, right? Next one's vapid.
4. Marginally More Attractive Than I Am - That way, when people see me with him, especially women, they will look at me and go "Lucky BITCH!!!" But I don't want him to be so much more attractive than me that when people look at me and him they go "Why the hell is that poor sucker with that night troll?" I do have standards for myself.
5. No Mental Illnesses - Seriously, homicidal maniacs are good for a laugh and all, and multiple personality disorderlies are just full of shits and giggles, and schizos are just a barrel of monkeys, but there is a point where you have to draw the line and be like "WHOA, you just stabbed the couch and told it that if it tried to make a move on me you would kill its family. I'm going."
6. Muscles Are Appreciated, But Not A Necessity - I do like muscles as much as the next girl, but honestly they aren't necessary. It's the 21st century. If we were back in the days of the CroMagnon, then yes, I'd like a guy with muscles to protect me with from all of the woolly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers roaming around outside of our cave. But, like I said, it's the 21st century. The only thing my guy would have to protect me from is the yappy chihuahua that lives down the street. But a six pack is nice.
7. Has To Like Rock Music - This is a necessity. I love rock music. I live on rock music. When I was little, my dad introduced me to the Beatles in chronological order. I am a music nerd. So my theoretical guy must like music. All music. Except country music. Country music can burn in HELL.
8. Cannot Make Fun Of My Love Of Musical Theater - And should preferably be into acting himself. Example: Joey Richter (Ron in A Very Potter Musical).
9. Has To Be A Literature Geek - The answer to life is 42. Deep Thought told me that. I woke up one morning and found that I couldn't open the door because the doorknob made me feel sick and empty on the inside. If you're going to leave Verona, take a phone with you and text me your plans. I wouldn't want you to die on me. I will never grow up. I will fight that stupid hooked man until I die, but I never will, so HAHAHA I crow! It is common knowledge that a lit geek in want of another lit geek should find one eventually. If you got any of that, you are my love.
10. Has To Be Musical - I know that that is a lot to ask, but a guy gets exponentially hotter to me if he can play an instrument. Seriously.
11. GEEKY - This has to happen. I want one of those awesome nerdy relationships where we meet at ComiCon and end up having a wedding cake that is a chimera of PacMan and Star Wars. I want him to say "I love you" first, so I can say "I know", like Leia did to Han in The Return of the Jedi. I need this guy to be OK with consoling me when I cry inconsolably at Toy Story and Finding Nemo. I need this guy to be OK with me laughing at Saw, which I found so horribly overdone and fake. I need this guy to have debates with me over who Buffy was better with, Spike or Angel (it was Spike, the way. Forever and ever. "I love you." "No you don't. But thanks for saying it." I cried so hard.) (If you got what I was talking about there, I love you.). I need this guy to be okay when I leave him for David Tennant.
12. Movie Buff - "Oh Captain, my Captain." "Such obscene gestures from such a pristine girl." "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." "You bob for apples in the toilet, and you like it!" "There is no try, only do." "Do you remember that time we dipped you in tar and stuck you to the back of an angry water buffalo?" "'Where are my pants?' 'They're in my hope chest!'" "Lighten up, Francis." "I would rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without ever knowing you." "Seriously, don't call me Shirley." If you know what movies any of the quotes above are from, I love you forever.
13. Must Have Heaping Portions Of Sarcasm And Witticisms To Spare - I pride myself on sometimes having an acerbic wit, and I would like whoever I end up shacking up with to at least be on the same level as me. In other words, my dream guy must be incredibly quick-witted. I love good verbal foreplay.
14. Black Hair, Blue Eyes - I don't know what it is, but something about this combination is just really sexy to me. I also want blue eyed kids, and I know for a fact that I carry a recessive blue-eye allele.
15. Disregard Everything Above - For the most part. I do like certain things (science fiction TV shows from Britain, movies, Rock music, being sarcastic) but honestly, I don't care about any of it. So long as a guy is respectful, treats me right, and feels the same way about me that I feel about him, I could give a flying fuck about anything else. I am a hopeless romantic under all of these onion-y layers of poisonous wit and sarcastic barbs. I may seem cynical but underneath it all I really am just a wide eyed little kid who has no idea about love or anything that resembles it. I kind of just bared my soul there, so don't laugh. Or I will kill you and hide your body in the bog in my backyard, and in 2000 years it will be found, perfectly preserved, with the words "Hello From The Past" legible on your back where I wrote it in indelible ink. I'm not creepy at all.
Yeah, so that was my extremely long, involved list that ultimately didn't mean anything at all. I hope you enjoyed reading it. I certainly had fun creating it. (I lie; I spent hours slaving over it, quietly crying into my pillow as I agonized over the right words.) (I lie; it took me about an hour and I didn't proofread, so no hating on my spelling mishaps.)
So, um...
I hate ending posts.
Parting joke:
What do you call a sick alligator?
An illigator!
I know, I know, so lame. I collect lame jokes as a hobby. No judging.
Big sopping kisses to you all.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
It Is Continued...? (Only On Alternate Tuesdays, Though)
Yes it is. I am obsessed with a few things at the moment, actually. Firstly, however:
Gabi: It is your face. How did you know?
Eeshie: Eat some brownies, it will all be over soon :)
PeaceLoveAndSharpies: I CAN'T WAIT EITHER!!!! I'm SOOO excited!!!!! I LOVE ALL OF THEM!!!! Dear Maria was the first song I heard and after that I was hooked!
Anywho, I bet you are all on the edges of your seats, biting your fingernails and crying with anticipation, so here goes it.
Obsession #1: The phrase 'Shit just got real'. This may seem inconsequential, but it really isn't. I almost got in trouble for saying it right next to my principal. Thank God he is so oblivious he didn't even hear me. So, trouble averted, right? Wrong. I accidentally said it to my English teacher, but that didn't get me ground into a fine white powder. My English teacher is the man and he just laughed. So now that I've bored you to tears...
Obsession #2: These mango-cream popsicles minus the sticks from Trader Joe's. Holy Jesus are they delicious. They have cream and mango and no messy stick in the way and are all around deliciously delicious things.
Obsession #3: LIFEGOESON by Noah and the Whale. Listen to it, and I dare you not to sing along and get it stuck in your head for days on end. I DARE YOU!!! I DARE ALL OF YOU!!!!
Obsession #4: The weather where I live right now. It's freaky-deaky wackadoo up here in New England, folks. We had a tornado warning today (technically yesterday because I am lazy and didn't finish this when the tornado occurred. And it did occur. And it killed four people). A tornado warning. And there actually WAS a tornado. It touched down in a town very far from where I live, and it was very exciting for my little bro, who wants to be a storm chaser. When he heard that there was a tornado warning, he got so excited he almost peed himself. I'm not joking.
Obsession #5: This website. Get ready to get a hell of a lot better at insulting people, you infectious, unchin-snouted codpiece! (Brownies to whoever can tell me what an unchin is? Is it when people have really weak chins that shouldn't be considered chins, more like a neck tumor that never quite metastasized? Tell me if I'm right! And I will make you a brownie! For realz, yo.)
Obsession #6: The Yiddish language. I'm teaching myself Yiddish as just a shits and giggles kind of thing, but with deeper psychological reasons that I will have you all wondering about. I just love this language. It's literally six languages in one. It's got a little bit of everything. And I can guarantee that every single one of you uses Yiddish words every day. Examples: klutz - Yiddish; bagel - Yiddish; beatnik - partially Yiddish; schlep - Yiddish; schmuck - so Yiddish it hurts. See where I'm going? Besides, now I can call people mamzer, miskayt, arumloyfer, khazer, dumkopf, eyzel, and Ekeldikerparshoyn. Those are just some of my favorites. Mamzer means bastard. Teheheheeeee.
Obsession #7: This cocoa butter oil that I just bought. It smells really good, sort of like vanilla, and I use it in lieu of lotion. It makes me feel supermegafoxyawesomehot. And it smells like vanilla!
Obsession #8: Divergent, by Veronica Roth. I just finished reading it today, and honestly I'm stoked for her to write a sequel. It is a dystopian future novel and it's really good.
Obsession #9: Bo Burnham. I know, I know, y'all already know that I love Bo Burnham. But I found this one video of him. It's amazing... watch it. I laughed so hard. Honestly, he is one of the best comedians of my generation (even if he is about five years older than me, he is still in my generation. I can proudly say I was born before the iPod. And HD. And DVDs. Holy shit, I feel old.) and his career is so promising. He really reminds me of Demetri Martin. They both use a kind of humor called paraprosdokians. Here is a link to the wiki page, I don't feel like going into obsessive detail. (Haha, obsessive. This is ironic, because this whole post is about my current obsessions. Teheee) Basically, a paraprosdokian is the kind of sentence where you think it is going one way, but then at the end, something is said that changes the whole meaning of the sentence. Example - "I believe in the Zodiac. I'm a Leo; I love Titanic. There's something a little bit morbidly ironic, see my grandmother was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab." Weren't expecting that, were you? That's a paraprosdokian. But seriously, look up Demetri Martin. He's quietly hilarious. Seriously.
Obsession #10: I thought I'd end on an even number, due to my fear of odd numbers, which is known as Fear of Odd Numbers, which isn't cool or anything, but it does bring me to my final obsession. The names of fears. Example - Long Words; hippomonstrososesquipedaliaphobia. Palindromes; aibohphobia. Beards; pogonophobia. Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of Your Mouth; arachibutyrophobia. Garlic; alliumphobia. Dancing; chorophobia. Walloons; walloonphobia. Just one question - What is a walloon?
So yeah, there are my obsession as of late. I hope that it was as disappointing as it should have been. I wish that I had cool obsessions but I don't. I get obsessed with mango popsicles and the names of fears. I don't know what an unchin or a walloon is. But I am still obsessed with them. What are you all obsessed with? Tell me! I vant to know!!!!
Parting joke:
"This summer I was at a pool party and I learned that there is a very small but very important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION."
-Demetri Martin.
I have to go, but I love you all. Big sopping kisses to everyone!
Gabi: It is your face. How did you know?
Eeshie: Eat some brownies, it will all be over soon :)
PeaceLoveAndSharpies: I CAN'T WAIT EITHER!!!! I'm SOOO excited!!!!! I LOVE ALL OF THEM!!!! Dear Maria was the first song I heard and after that I was hooked!
Anywho, I bet you are all on the edges of your seats, biting your fingernails and crying with anticipation, so here goes it.
Obsession #1: The phrase 'Shit just got real'. This may seem inconsequential, but it really isn't. I almost got in trouble for saying it right next to my principal. Thank God he is so oblivious he didn't even hear me. So, trouble averted, right? Wrong. I accidentally said it to my English teacher, but that didn't get me ground into a fine white powder. My English teacher is the man and he just laughed. So now that I've bored you to tears...
Obsession #2: These mango-cream popsicles minus the sticks from Trader Joe's. Holy Jesus are they delicious. They have cream and mango and no messy stick in the way and are all around deliciously delicious things.
Obsession #3: LIFEGOESON by Noah and the Whale. Listen to it, and I dare you not to sing along and get it stuck in your head for days on end. I DARE YOU!!! I DARE ALL OF YOU!!!!
Obsession #4: The weather where I live right now. It's freaky-deaky wackadoo up here in New England, folks. We had a tornado warning today (technically yesterday because I am lazy and didn't finish this when the tornado occurred. And it did occur. And it killed four people). A tornado warning. And there actually WAS a tornado. It touched down in a town very far from where I live, and it was very exciting for my little bro, who wants to be a storm chaser. When he heard that there was a tornado warning, he got so excited he almost peed himself. I'm not joking.
Obsession #5: This website. Get ready to get a hell of a lot better at insulting people, you infectious, unchin-snouted codpiece! (Brownies to whoever can tell me what an unchin is? Is it when people have really weak chins that shouldn't be considered chins, more like a neck tumor that never quite metastasized? Tell me if I'm right! And I will make you a brownie! For realz, yo.)
Obsession #6: The Yiddish language. I'm teaching myself Yiddish as just a shits and giggles kind of thing, but with deeper psychological reasons that I will have you all wondering about. I just love this language. It's literally six languages in one. It's got a little bit of everything. And I can guarantee that every single one of you uses Yiddish words every day. Examples: klutz - Yiddish; bagel - Yiddish; beatnik - partially Yiddish; schlep - Yiddish; schmuck - so Yiddish it hurts. See where I'm going? Besides, now I can call people mamzer, miskayt, arumloyfer, khazer, dumkopf, eyzel, and Ekeldikerparshoyn. Those are just some of my favorites. Mamzer means bastard. Teheheheeeee.
Obsession #7: This cocoa butter oil that I just bought. It smells really good, sort of like vanilla, and I use it in lieu of lotion. It makes me feel supermegafoxyawesomehot. And it smells like vanilla!
Obsession #8: Divergent, by Veronica Roth. I just finished reading it today, and honestly I'm stoked for her to write a sequel. It is a dystopian future novel and it's really good.
Obsession #9: Bo Burnham. I know, I know, y'all already know that I love Bo Burnham. But I found this one video of him. It's amazing... watch it. I laughed so hard. Honestly, he is one of the best comedians of my generation (even if he is about five years older than me, he is still in my generation. I can proudly say I was born before the iPod. And HD. And DVDs. Holy shit, I feel old.) and his career is so promising. He really reminds me of Demetri Martin. They both use a kind of humor called paraprosdokians. Here is a link to the wiki page, I don't feel like going into obsessive detail. (Haha, obsessive. This is ironic, because this whole post is about my current obsessions. Teheee) Basically, a paraprosdokian is the kind of sentence where you think it is going one way, but then at the end, something is said that changes the whole meaning of the sentence. Example - "I believe in the Zodiac. I'm a Leo; I love Titanic. There's something a little bit morbidly ironic, see my grandmother was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab." Weren't expecting that, were you? That's a paraprosdokian. But seriously, look up Demetri Martin. He's quietly hilarious. Seriously.
Obsession #10: I thought I'd end on an even number, due to my fear of odd numbers, which is known as Fear of Odd Numbers, which isn't cool or anything, but it does bring me to my final obsession. The names of fears. Example - Long Words; hippomonstrososesquipedaliaphobia. Palindromes; aibohphobia. Beards; pogonophobia. Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of Your Mouth; arachibutyrophobia. Garlic; alliumphobia. Dancing; chorophobia. Walloons; walloonphobia. Just one question - What is a walloon?
So yeah, there are my obsession as of late. I hope that it was as disappointing as it should have been. I wish that I had cool obsessions but I don't. I get obsessed with mango popsicles and the names of fears. I don't know what an unchin or a walloon is. But I am still obsessed with them. What are you all obsessed with? Tell me! I vant to know!!!!
Parting joke:
"This summer I was at a pool party and I learned that there is a very small but very important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION."
-Demetri Martin.
I have to go, but I love you all. Big sopping kisses to everyone!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Why My Little Brother Is Going Places
Hello there world!
This is the Ramblemeister, and while I love talking about all things random and irrelevant, today I'm avoiding that and introducing you to a very special person in my life. Drum roll please. *dununununununununuununnunununununnnn TADA! My little brother. Let's call him Rambles Jr. So I am seven and one half years Rambles Jr. elder, which means that I sometimes feel like his second mom. I changed his diapers as a baby. I am entitled to feel like that. It was disgusting. However, since I am not his mother, I can annoy him to no end, throw him in pools, etc. And no one can call child services because it is just sibling love. Hee hee. Anyway, Rambles Jr. is such an awesome kid. He's only in second grade, and he is the funniest person I know, only he doesn't know it. He is obsessed with the weather, and he wants to be a tornado chaser as an adult. He makes stop motion Lego movies. He can name every type of fire truck. He laughs like a drain, and always makes you want to laugh with him. Suffice it to say, I love my little brother so much. And to tie this is to the title, here I go. I'm headed off to Florida for a school trip in a few days, so I'm warning you I won't be writing for about a week, starting Wednesday. Anywho, Rambles Jr. is obsessed with the possibility of a thunderstorm down in Florida, so he keeps coming in my room and discussing "intercepting plans" with me. Just another reason why he is awesome. He's not even eight, and he's saying stuff like intercepting. BUT, all this interrupting is causing me to have trouble packing. So finally, I say to him (I really did say this, and this is our conversation verbatim) "Rambles Jr. (minus that bit, I really said his name, but for purposes of Internet safety, I'm refraining. I don't want creepy stalkers trying to find him. Or me.), can't you see I'm trying to pack?" RJ: "Yeah, but this is important!" Me: "So is me having clothes down in Disney." RJ: "But there could be tornadoes! We need to plan our interception!" Me: "Rambles Jr., I'm busy. And besides, there won't be any tornadoes!" RJ: "But all of the ingredients are adding up." Then I told him to get out and I laughed like a loon on loon tablets. Welcome to my world. Have a rambly day! The Ramblemeister
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