A Realization In The Shower

And no, that wasn't a ploy to get you all to think of my washing my hair, but you are all now thinking of that, aren't you?  I am a diabolical mastermind.

Anyway, as I was realizing that one of my second toes is longer than my big toe, but the other one isn't, I had a realization.

Most of the people on YouTube are all Liberal Arts majors that have happened or are waiting to happen.  The makes me fear greatly for my job in the future, because I am in now way, shape, or form, as talented as them.

This makes me feel kind of insignificant.

Oh, the existential thoughts I think in the tub at 6:00 in the morning.

God, I hate talented people.

Ah, well, Tararara!

Love and kisses,

L.

MORE LINKS TO CLICK!!! CLICK THEM CLICK THEM CLICK THEM!!!!

You know how I wrote that thing about glee give a note?

And how if you clicked the link I would give you a place in my government when I take over the world?  Something like that?

Yeah, that still applies.

CLICKY THE LINKY!

CLICK ME I'M A LINK!

But in addition to helping my school win some cashola for music, and you all know how important music is, I'm giving you lovelypoos another link to click.  And you will hear the sound of my voice for possibly the first time.  Grab onto your socks, pants, hats, anything that could be blown off, because I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND.

Click this and follow the sound of my voice.

I appear at I think around the 1 minute mark.  Be forewarned - I was not told that I would be used for filming that day, so I'm wearing no makeup and my acorn hat.  You will see why I call it an acorn hat if you click the link.  You will also see that I'm really bad at improvising. 

But I thought you might enjoy this.  My school is quite hilarious.  I'm proud to be part of the band! Even if we are clumsy.   You will get it if you click the link!  Promise!

That's right.

I'm in the band!

Love and kisses,

L.

P.S. That thing about the squirrel?  Not a lie.  If you click the link, you will know what I'm talking about!

P.P.S.  The pads bit made my think of sanitary pads.  It was awkward, because it is funny, and if you think of that, it makes it funnier.  CLICKTHELINKIFYOUWANTTOKNOWWHATIMTALKINGABOUT!!!!

P.P.S.  I really want you to click the link, can you tell?  Because 1.  I want you to like my school and vote for us for the glee thing, and 2. I want you to see that I'm an awkward awkwarder who likes to awkward and that I'm wearing a hat.  And that I exist.  So, click the links, yeah?

If You Fit These Requirements, Find Me Right Away And Propose Marriage

Confession time: I've only had one boyfriend. And it was in sixth grade and it only lasted the time it takes to walk in between classes, so I don't think that it counts. Also, I'm in the Never Been Kissed Club. In fact, I'm the Chairman. Chairwoman. Chairgirl. Whatever, you get my point.

Anyway, my solidarity has not been forcibly thrust upon me, but there are a few reasons why I am not shackled in a doomed relationship at the current date and time. One of the reasons is that the town I live in is so obscenely small and I've known all of the boys in it for far too long. They all have an idea of who I am - a very intelligent smart ass (I never said that they were wrong!) - and they really don't feel like trying to get to know me any better. Pity for them.

I am A-OK with this. I wouldn't want to date any of the guys I know anyway. My two closest guy friends are insane. One is a cat-worshipping atheist with an IQ so high I wonder why he meows all the time, and the other is an amazing track star who has issues with touching and expressing emotions.

I wish that I could make stuff like this up.

I really do.

Another reason why I am not dating a male of this species is that I feel that I, as a person, am so not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. Seriously. I have the emotional range of a spoon. Less than that. I have the emotional range of the spork, the sterile offspring of the fork and the spoon. My friends all are very interested in boys, and while I do agree that they are often nice to look at and talk to, I don't feel the deep seated need to prove myself as an adequate female by dating. All that can wait until college. Besides, high school guys are soooo passe. I kid. Not really.

A final reason is that I am quite an adept story teller.

Why is this important, you wonder, scratching your heads and sipping your tea thoughtfully.

I'll tell you - As a story teller, writer, future millionaire, what have you, I create characters. Lots and lots of characters. And quite a few of these characters are boys.

Catch my drift?

I have, in my head, created my perfect man. Boy. Person. Shut up brain, they all get the point.

So, without further ado, here is my list of requirements for the perfect man. Or my perfect man. Screw it, this is what I find attractive.

JENNELLE'S LIST OF ATTRACTIVE ATTRIBUTES FOR MALES OF THE HUMAN SPECIES

1. Height - height is a necessity. I cannot marry a short guy. I'm 5 feet, 1 inch flat. I will not have midget children. We all saw what happened to Snooki. Although, if I did have midget children, I would pressure them into becoming actors and actresses, because the movie industry always needs their midgets. I'm already a horrible parent. Teehee.

2. Accents - Of any way, shape, or form. I love all accents. Especially British ones. Yummy scrumboes. Just pretend to have an accent and you will have me falling into a pile of girlish jello on the ground, giggling like a girlish pile of jello that is a homicidal maniac.

3. Religion - I know that this sounds weird, but since I'm Jewish, I kind of want to marry someone Christian, or some other religion. My mum is a lapsed Irish Catholic, and my dad is a non-practicing Reform Jew. What does that make me? A Jew who celebrates Christmas and Easter, along with Hanukkah and Passover. I feel more culturally attached to Judaism, and consider myself Jewish, but I want my kids to have the multi-religious celebrations in their life. I think that you find a greater appreciation for all things when you see all of the sides of the dice. So religion is important. And I won't be able to marry anyone who doesn't let me teach my children about what I believe in. Shit just got real, right? Next one's vapid.

4. Marginally More Attractive Than I Am - That way, when people see me with him, especially women, they will look at me and go "Lucky BITCH!!!" But I don't want him to be so much more attractive than me that when people look at me and him they go "Why the hell is that poor sucker with that night troll?" I do have standards for myself.

5. No Mental Illnesses - Seriously, homicidal maniacs are good for a laugh and all, and multiple personality disorderlies are just full of shits and giggles, and schizos are just a barrel of monkeys, but there is a point where you have to draw the line and be like "WHOA, you just stabbed the couch and told it that if it tried to make a move on me you would kill its family. I'm going."

6. Muscles Are Appreciated, But Not A Necessity - I do like muscles as much as the next girl, but honestly they aren't necessary. It's the 21st century. If we were back in the days of the CroMagnon, then yes, I'd like a guy with muscles to protect me with from all of the woolly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers roaming around outside of our cave. But, like I said, it's the 21st century. The only thing my guy would have to protect me from is the yappy chihuahua that lives down the street. But a six pack is nice.

7. Has To Like Rock Music - This is a necessity. I love rock music. I live on rock music. When I was little, my dad introduced me to the Beatles in chronological order. I am a music nerd. So my theoretical guy must like music. All music. Except country music. Country music can burn in HELL.

8. Cannot Make Fun Of My Love Of Musical Theater - And should preferably be into acting himself. Example: Joey Richter (Ron in A Very Potter Musical).

9. Has To Be A Literature Geek - The answer to life is 42. Deep Thought told me that. I woke up one morning and found that I couldn't open the door because the doorknob made me feel sick and empty on the inside. If you're going to leave Verona, take a phone with you and text me your plans. I wouldn't want you to die on me. I will never grow up. I will fight that stupid hooked man until I die, but I never will, so HAHAHA I crow! It is common knowledge that a lit geek in want of another lit geek should find one eventually. If you got any of that, you are my love.

10. Has To Be Musical - I know that that is a lot to ask, but a guy gets exponentially hotter to me if he can play an instrument. Seriously.

11. GEEKY - This has to happen. I want one of those awesome nerdy relationships where we meet at ComiCon and end up having a wedding cake that is a chimera of PacMan and Star Wars. I want him to say "I love you" first, so I can say "I know", like Leia did to Han in The Return of the Jedi. I need this guy to be OK with consoling me when I cry inconsolably at Toy Story and Finding Nemo. I need this guy to be OK with me laughing at Saw, which I found so horribly overdone and fake. I need this guy to have debates with me over who Buffy was better with, Spike or Angel (it was Spike, the way. Forever and ever. "I love you." "No you don't. But thanks for saying it." I cried so hard.) (If you got what I was talking about there, I love you.). I need this guy to be okay when I leave him for David Tennant.

12. Movie Buff - "Oh Captain, my Captain." "Such obscene gestures from such a pristine girl." "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." "You bob for apples in the toilet, and you like it!" "There is no try, only do." "Do you remember that time we dipped you in tar and stuck you to the back of an angry water buffalo?" "'Where are my pants?' 'They're in my hope chest!'" "Lighten up, Francis." "I would rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without ever knowing you." "Seriously, don't call me Shirley." If you know what movies any of the quotes above are from, I love you forever.

13. Must Have Heaping Portions Of Sarcasm And Witticisms To Spare - I pride myself on sometimes having an acerbic wit, and I would like whoever I end up shacking up with to at least be on the same level as me. In other words, my dream guy must be incredibly quick-witted. I love good verbal foreplay.

14. Black Hair, Blue Eyes - I don't know what it is, but something about this combination is just really sexy to me. I also want blue eyed kids, and I know for a fact that I carry a recessive blue-eye allele.

15. Disregard Everything Above - For the most part. I do like certain things (science fiction TV shows from Britain, movies, Rock music, being sarcastic) but honestly, I don't care about any of it. So long as a guy is respectful, treats me right, and feels the same way about me that I feel about him, I could give a flying fuck about anything else. I am a hopeless romantic under all of these onion-y layers of poisonous wit and sarcastic barbs. I may seem cynical but underneath it all I really am just a wide eyed little kid who has no idea about love or anything that resembles it. I kind of just bared my soul there, so don't laugh. Or I will kill you and hide your body in the bog in my backyard, and in 2000 years it will be found, perfectly preserved, with the words "Hello From The Past" legible on your back where I wrote it in indelible ink. I'm not creepy at all.

Yeah, so that was my extremely long, involved list that ultimately didn't mean anything at all. I hope you enjoyed reading it. I certainly had fun creating it. (I lie; I spent hours slaving over it, quietly crying into my pillow as I agonized over the right words.) (I lie; it took me about an hour and I didn't proofread, so no hating on my spelling mishaps.)

So, um...

I hate ending posts.

Parting joke:

What do you call a sick alligator?

An illigator!

I know, I know, so lame. I collect lame jokes as a hobby. No judging.

Big sopping kisses to you all.

So Um, The World Is Ending In A Week (?)

Alright, so this one took me as a shock.

I watch a lot of YouTube (aka I'm glued to my computer. You have to surgically remove my fingers from the keys. I am a part of Finn. (Finn is my computer) And Finn is a part of me. Deal with it bitches!) and I follow a lot of YouTubers. I particularly enjoy Nerimon, aka Alex Day, who I've mentioned before. In his latest video, which you can click and watch here, he talks about something called the Rapture, and how this is apparently the end of the world.

The world is ending in one week people. Someone throw a party. We all need to get properly sloshed and go out in style with matching tatoos of the cast of A Very Potter Musical on our backs.

So this is a thing, apparently. It has its own Wikipedia page, so you know that it is legit. I'm sorry I'm linking so much, but this is just super interesting to me. Also, if the world does end in a week, someone fuck me. I don't want to die a virgin. That would suck.

But this is honestly very interesting to me, since I am not a very religious person. I was raised Jewish, I am Bat Mitzvah, and I can speak Yiddish, but really I don't buy into the whole organized religion thing. Example: I haven't been to temple since my Bat Mitzvah. That was four years ago. To me, religion is a much more personal matter, and while I'm not entirely sure I believe in "God" I do believe that there is something out there. Partially because it is nice to think that it is more than just us, partially because it is nice to have reassurance that those you love will one day be reunited with you someway, somehow, because I can't bear the thought of never seeing those I love ever again, and partially because I find it helpful to have someone to blame when shit goes on in this world that defies explanation. There has to be a scapegoat, so blame God!

If any of you who read this are really religious, this post may seem a little blasphemous and shit, and I totally understand if you stop reading or whatever, but this is just what I believe. I'm agnostic. Which basically means I'm a pussy atheist.

In all seriousness though, I am agnostic, I'm not a fan of organized religion, and science makes a whole lot of sense to me. But sometimes you just look at something and you have to say that something greater than us had a hand in it. Science, life, existence can not take credit for all that is beautiful in this world. There is something greater. At least that is what I think.

Anywho, where was I?

Oh right. The Rapture.

Here is the basic picture: Some people believe that the Bible is basically a code for figuring out when certain prophecies will come into fruition. These wackjobs have predicted that the world will end, how shall I put this, A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. Seriously. Why can't we just have one Doomsday prophecy and be done with all of this shit? Reading this wiki, the End of Days has been predicted by numerous different groups no less than SIXTEEN TIMES. It's been different people, but they've all read the Bible, done some math, and came up with different dates. Isaac Newton one of them. He said that the Four Horsemen won't be riding their steeds of Pain and Suffering no time before 2060. This one guy, Harold Camping, has said that the world will end at least twice. Once in 1994. And when that didn't happen, he had to predict it AGAIN, saying that the world will end in 2011. As in, May 21, 2011.

As in, next Saturday.

Alright folks, it's time to sharpen those axes and start collecting ammo, because the Four Horsemen are coming and coming fast. I can hear the whinnies of their ponies. We've exited the valley of the royally screwed and climbed up into the mountains of the totally fucked.

My one qualm with this? If you are going to predict the End of Days so close to 2012, why can't you just hold off and say that the world IS going to end in 2012? Personally, I believe the Mayans. If they could create a calendar that lasted longer than their empire and end it on a year that still strikes fear into the hearts of the masses, I'll believe you over a bunch of Bible huggers who can't get their math straight. And even then, I don't believe in 2012.

Here's how this whole Rapture thing is supposed to go down. On May 21, the world will begin to end. All of the people who believe in God and Jesus or whatever will be saved by the second coming of Christ and taken into Heaven right away. Those who don't get to go the express route to Heaven have to live on Earth for the next five months, where it will literally be Hell on earth, with demons and shit running around wrecking havoc. Where oh where is Buffy when you need her, right? Then in October, the world will officially tap out.

Sounds like a blasty blast.

I'll be sharpening my katanas, since I'm sure as shit not going to Heaven the express route. Hell, I don't even believe in Heaven. Jews don't. We believe that when the Messiah comes (and it isn't Jesus) that all of our dead will rise again and the Messiah will take us to the promised land. I think. I don't really know the whole score. I do know that Jews don't get cremated for that reason though. That's why it's cool to be a Jew. You become a zombie! JEWS FTW!

So whether you believe in it or not, the end is coming. I can't wait to see what happens.

See you on the battle field.

Parting joke:

What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips...

(I laughed so hard at this one. I love making racist jokes towards myself. Besides, Jew jokes are fucking hilarious!)

Have a great last week on Earth everybody!

L. out, bitches.