Ready For Your Mind To Be BLOWN?!

Well, here is a short tale with a thrilling conclusion that will without a doubt leave you sitting with your mouth hanging open, questioning my sanity.  If you don't do that all the time reading this blog anyways.

So, do any of you watch the show How I Met Your Mother?  I do.  Obsessively.  I love it.  It is one of my favorite shows on television, because it never fails at making me laugh.  The characters are so down to earth and the stories they tell sound so plausible.  Weirdly enough, watching that show gives me hope that I'll end up living a life like that, with crazy stories and crazy friends.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Anyways, my favorite character (as it is for most people) is Barney Stinson.  A picture.

True story.

Anyways, he is the craziest character on a show full of crazy characters.  He is insane, childlike, likes to wear suits and use his imagination to get women to sleep with him.  And last night when I was watching a rerun, a thought hit me.

Well, it didn't so much as hit me and forcibly drill a way into my skull until my eyes widened in shock.

You guys know Calvin and Hobbes, right?

Calvin, mischievous, likes to play pranks, uses his wild imagination to do crazy things?

Cute.

Anyways, here is my thought.  It will blow your mind.

BARNEY STINSON IS A GROWN UP CALVIN.

Blond hair, insane, really wild imagination.  Able to wax poetic.

It's totally plausible.

So there is my thought.  It's crazy isn't it?

Is your mouth hanging open yet?

Love and kisses,

Jen

April 21: Sometimes I Hate Vacation

You know why?  Because I can't stand being around my family that long.  I'm just... Not good at it, I suppose?  I really suck at interacting with other human beings, probably because I'm some alien life form who was placed here thousands of years ago, or whatever.

Do you know what my father just did?

He stopped the dishwasher that I just loaded and turned on and RELOADED IT.  He stopped the dishwasher, moved things around, and then started it again.  Like, what the hell?  My loading wasn't good enough for you?  Okay, I see how it is!

I'm not good at families.  I'm not good at friends.

I'm not really good at anything, particularly.

God, I feel a bit depressed.

That would happen, wouldn't it?  It's a lovely day out, I'm on vacation, and suddenly I'm depressed.

It must be because I have school in two days time.

Someone kill me.

Jen

HEYO WHAT IS THIS!!!!

Being the kind of kid who doesn't really like doing homework at normal times, it is 9:30 on Sunday and I've not done a drop.  Hoo-freaking-ray.  Anyfloozle, I thought I'd share a milestone with all y'all.

*drum roll please*

.........

I HAVE FIFTY FOLLOWERS!!!!

WHAT UP YO!!!

My blog's first birthday is around the corner and I have fifty followers.  If I've accomplished anything this year, I'd say this was pretty good.  So thank you to everyone who reads this twaddle and thanks to all of my bloggy-type mates.  I luff you all to pieces.

God, I'm sentimental.

Thank you oh so very much.  It means more than you think it does to have people who will read this and say 'Hey that wasn't too bad.'  I fully expect all of you to buy my book if it ever gets published.  I'm watching you *glares at you over the internet*

Just kidding (NOT REALLY MUAHAHAHA)

God.  I love you all and stuff.  Put caramel on top of this love sundae and I'm omnomnom it on down.

Okay, I'm done wittering on about absolutely nothing.

FIN.

Parting Joke:

My grandmother is a Cancer, which is ironic because she was actually killed by a giant crab.

Geddit?

Love and kisses,

Jen

Lots of Things. Maybe a Llama. Maybe Ice Cream. Maybe Pictures of Matt Smith With A Wallaby. I Don't Know. And Neither Will You If You Don't Check And See

I'm very bored, so I kind of want to know what you guys think of me.  Ask me what ever you want and I will answer all of them in a comprehensive blog post eventually.

So yeah, there's that.

In other news, I'm writing again!  And it feels so good!  I love having my creative juices flowing because then my whole person feels good.  And I love that.  Do any of you have something that makes you feel really good? Just like spectacularly amazing on the inside and out?

In other news, it's almost this blog's first birthday!  YAY!!!! Let's have cake and throw confetti and sprinkle happiness everywhere!!

I never thought that I would get this far.  My first blog lasted 9 months, which was pretty good.  I started this blog five months after I shut down my first.  And now it's almost one!  It's amazing to look back at my writing and realize how much I've grown as a writer.  I almost sound like an adult now!  Not really, but hey.  I can dream.

It's weird.  I went through a really little kiddish stage, then a really offensive stage, and then finally I got to the stage I'm at now.  Balancing the offensive with the intelligently witty. It's a good combo.

And I've also realized that I'm kind of alone in the blogosphere.  I feel like all of my bloggy type mates have gone on to bigger and better things and left me here alone.  Not that that isn't cool, because it is.  And to the people who are still around and still care, God knows I love ya.  I would name you off, but I can't think of any of you right now.  But you totally count and I love you to bits.

It's weird how people just pass out of your life.  Like one second they're here, the next they aren't.  That's what my new project that I am working on is about, oddly.  Funny how everything ties together in the end.

He isn't with a wallaby but sometimes there is a line  of asking too much.

This is the most expensive sundae in the world.  Shit's got caviar  in it.  It's legit.

Llamas are deceptively adorable.  I swear they are planning to take over the world.  Mark m words.

And since I promised a few things in my title, there you go.  If you can say anything about me, it's that when I deliver, I deliver. Like pizza. LOL.

Anyway, I have to go do my homework.  I want to be a good student, but y'all are distracting me, yo!  I can tell you that this isn't going to be the case next year when I have APUSH.  But that's my only AP.  I'm not taking AP Bio because I don't want my soul to die.  I think two of my friends are taking both, but then again they are both smarter than me, so.  It looks really good on transcripts, but so does stuff outside of school, and if I want to do anything outside of school, then I have to pick my battles.  And two AP classes as a junior, which is the toughest year of school anyway, is not one that I am choosing.  That was an extremely long paragraph.  I commend you if you read that.

Anyfloozle, I'm away laughing on a fast camel.

Parting Joke:
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Althea!
Althea who?
Althea later, alligator!

Bahahaha, that's a knee slapper!

Love and kisses,
Jen

Grammar Is Important

Grammar is one of the most important things in the English language. I could argue about grammar all day.  Here is some vitally important grammar in action.

The Oxford Comma
The Oxford Comma is the difference between:
I had a party and I invited the strippers, Hitler, and Stalin.
OR
I had a party and I invited the strippers, Hitler and Stalin.
I'm sure that two evil dictators would make fine strippers.  Anyone want a lap dance?

Comma Usage in General
A well placed comma is the difference between:
Let's eat, Grandma!
And
Let's eat Grandma!
Grammar.  Saving grandmothers from cannibalism one comma at a time.

Capitilization and Commas
I helped my uncle, Jack, off a horse.
I helped my uncle jack off a horse.
In one instance you are helping a relative off of an equine.  In the next, you are helping said relative masturbate said equine.

Like I said: Grammar is important!

Updates and Things, Awards, And A Question.

Today's episode of "I'm Barking Mad" begins with some updates.

I feel like I haven't been posting enough.  Yes?  No?  Yes?  I just feel like we haven't been connecting enough recently, and I'd love to get back in touch with all of you lovelypoos.

I am seriously thinking of calling you all lovelypoos from now until the end of forever.  If you have any qualms with this, take it up with Vince.  *points to Vince.  Vince is 6 foot 7 and has muscles the size of demon baby skulls.  He flexes his bicep menacingly*

Yeah, Vince will FUCK YOU UP! *points again to Vince.  Vince waves and continues to brush his My Little Pony's tail*

All attempts of intimidation are hereby abandoned.

Sooo, updates and things is first on today's agenda.  Where to begin?  Hmm...

Oh, funny story alert! *does the funny story salsa line polka*

So on Thursday last week, my school hosted a recital in which professional musicians donated their time and came and played for, well, just about no one.  Which was really a shame because they were all fucking brilliant.  At said recital were a few of my friends.  I sat with my band friends and we all quietly mocked our conductor as he played the clarinet.  If you've never seen someone play the clarinet, it does somewhat look like someone giving a blowjob.  And he kept swaying.  It was hilarious.

After the concert was over, we were all out in the lobby of my high school, eating the free food, because come on.  Free food.  How could I say no?  My friend Alli saw this little girl she knew from camp and the little girl was all "HI ALLI!" and Alli was all "HI AURORA!" and then the little girl looked at me and went "Alli, you have a boyfriend!"

I was mortified.  I choked on my cookie and coughed out "I'm a girl!"  The little girl looked a little more than terrified to hear a girl's voice coming out of what she thought was a dude's body.  When she walked away, me, Alli, and three of my other friends literally fell on the floor laughing.  I was literally ROFL-ing.  I wasn't LMAO-ing, because as far as I know, my ass is still present and accounted for.

But that was a very awkward time for me.  A very, very awkward moment.  It was right then that I kind of said in my brain "it is time to continue with the plan to grow my hair out."  I have been growing my hair out.  I just miss it, you know?  And whenever some says "Oh, why are you growing your hair out?  Your haircut is so cute!"  I've been saying "I just miss my hair!" when I really want to say "Since when is it your business what I do with the dead cells that are growing out of my skull?"  It isn't so, as a warning to all of you - DON'T ASK ABOUT MY HAIR!!! IT'S A TOUCHY SUBJECT AT THE CURRENT DATE!!!

In other news, I took the PSAT/NMSQT test on Saturday.  That was a lovely way to kill three hours of my life.  I think the thing that amused me most was that I was in the same classroom as last year when I took it, and the same schedule was written on the whiteboard next to me, word for word, both years.  I was a little taken aback.  It was kind of bizarre. 

So those are my updates.

The next item on our agenda is awards.

The lovely Gabi from Crazy Socks and Ninja Bunnies gave me an award.

Lovelypoos!  I got an award!

It's the Liebster Award, and basically I just have to say seven things about myself.

Let's-a-go, Mario!

1. I have an unnatural fascination with all things random.  How tall can trees grow before they can physically grow no higher, because water cannot be transported any higher? 138 meters.  Why did pirates wear eye patches?  So that when they went into a dark place they already had an eye that was adjusted to the dark. Want more?  Just ask.

2.  I really want to possess a raspberry beret so that I can walk around with a ghetto blaster playing Raspberry Beret.  This is what goes on in my mind.

3.  Me and my friend Jacquie desperately want to find a place called Valid and dress up as invalids so we can in invalid invalids in Valid.  Again, what goes on in my mind.

4.  I love reading Science Daily.  It is a guilty pleasure.  And I tell my mother I don't want to be a doctor.  Well, I do want to be a doctor.  Doctor Who!

5.  This is the best knock knock joke I've ever heard.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Doctor!
Doctor Who?

Correct!

You're welcome, lovelypoos.

6.  Whenever I meet someone new, I make subtle jokes to things that I'm really interested in to see if they will get the reference.  If they do, then I get all happy and I'm sure that we'll be friends.  If not, they just think I'm weird, and that I'm okay with.

7.  I have a huge fascination with cooking.  Like, I really love cooking.  I have a whole notebook dedicated to recipes.  I love baking more than life.  I love eating more than life.

I'm not going to tag anyone right now, because I do have other things to do, but I will.  Eventually.  I'm just going to procrastinate a bit.

And now to the third article on our agenda.  The question.

NO, not THAT question.  The answer is 42, by the way, if you were wondering.

The question that I'm going to ask is this:

If I were to potentially post some of the story that I'm working on onto this blog, would you guys

A) enjoy that

B) hate it

C) be indifferent, but probably not read (not that my views are super high to begin with, I get on average 5 a post)

D) What is this?  Where am I?  WHAT IS GOING ON?

Let me know, the four of you that read this.

I do want to please someone.

NOT LIKE THAT, PERV-O!

Parting joke:

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Umm, Genocide?

RIGHT ANSWER!

Love and kisses,

L.