*Taps Microphone* Is Anyone Out There? *Coughs Awkwardly*

Hi guys.

Salutations.

How do I blog again?  Like what do I say to you guys?  Did I say anything to begin with?  Honestly, a lot of what I wrote was obnoxious, twee twaddle, but you all stuck around.  Have a picture of a sloth.

This sloth is my cover photo on Facebook.

So yeah, I did a lot of things in the month that I was AWOL again.  I took my SAT IIs (Literature and United States History; A 690 and 740, respectively.), my AP United States History exam (Which went off about as well was to be expected.  Here's hoping, right?), I got my driver's license (Stay off the roads, folks), and I had my last high school band concert ever.  Yay hooray and three cheers for merry England, even though I am an American.

FREEDOM AND GUNS

I only have about a month of school left, thank god.  I get out of school so late this year, guys.  I get out in like fucking July, it's an utter heap of donkey poop.  June 26 is not an appropriate time for school to get out, but I can't control the weather, and that was all due to snow days.  Damn seniors that don't have to make them up, so jealous.

Anyway, I've been a busy little beaver writing a bunch of new material.  It's for a writing contest at a local community theater a few towns over from me.  Hopefully something comes of it, I really do enjoy the idea I've worked up.  Just a little more writing and then a lot of tweaking and hopefully I'll have something magical.

It is going to be hard to top "Waiting Room" as that was my first, real, completed work.  It was like my baby.  Now I'm writing another baby, and I'm worried I won't love it as much as I loved "Waiting Room."  But my mom says that you just make room in your heart for all of the love you feel.  So I'm banking on that.

Otherwise I haven't been doing much with my life.  It's been pretty boring, to be honest.  Right now I'm looking up mac and cheese on tumblr and considering getting up off my butt and making some and procrastinating an essay but hey, what are you going to do?

Such is my life.

Mmmmm, mac and cheese

Anyway, that's my life so much.  How are all of you?  I want to know about your fabulous lives!

Love and kisses,

Jennelle

Look Everyone! Do You See That? It's My Life!

Wave goodbye to it!

It's flying away on it's trip to Planet gone.  I am, as per usual, ridiculously busy.  However, I realize that I haven't updated you all on ANYTHING, and I need to rectify that as I had a very good past few weeks.

So my play went really well.  Like really really well.  I felt like a proud parent.  I was up in the light booth doing the sound, and as I brought down the sound and my lights guy brought down the lights, the entire auditorium jumped up in a standing ovation.

THE ENTIRE AUDITORIUM.

I GOT A COMPLETE STANDING OVATION.

Excuse me while I faint.

I started tearing up as the play finished, and the tears were worse as I saw everyone standing.  And then one of the directing coordinators from Ipswich hugged me as I was leaving, bawling her eyes out.  Then I got backstage and saw my cast crying.  My teacher was sobbing.  That was when I burst into tears.  I was just like 'yup, that's it, I'm tapping out.'  I cried on and off for the rest of the night.

My main character came running off the stage and he basically tackled me in a hug. I feel like if I had hugged him any tighter I would have broken one of his ribs.

It was magical.  I am not exaggerating when I say it was probably the best day of my life.

And then later in the day, when they were giving out awards, the judges started talking about how writing new work was the lifeblood of theater.  All of my kids were pointing at me and I was blushing so darkly.  When the judge said the "J" in "Jennelle" all of the Georgetown section basically jumped three feet into the air.  They started screaming before my whole name was said.  And the entire auditorium was standing, applauding.

Guys, I hate braggarts, but I got two standing ovations.  THIS IS THE FIRST THING I'VE EVER REALLY LET ANYONE SEE.  This piece of work.  This is my first big thing that I've let people read and react to.  The first thing ever.  And it did so well!!!!

I am still so proud of it.  Not only that, but I had a director approach me for the rights to my play so they could put on a production of it.

Yeah.

You heard me.

SOMEONE ASKED ME FOR THE RIGHTS TO MY PLAY.

SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO PUT IT ON.  SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO DIRECT IT.  THEY LIKED IT THAT MUCH.

I can't even breathe.  This was all two weeks ago.

Then I got the obligatory director's cold, and I was sick for a week.  It wasn't fun, and the lack of things to do was disheartening since I enjoy having things to do.  I'm a worrier.  I like to worry about things.

So anyway, last Tuesday I was inducted into my school's chapter of NHS, or National Honor Society, for those of you who don't know.  It basically is a cult for smart people.  I'm joking.  It is a time honored club that deals with community involvement and having the best of the best be in its ranks.  I am really proud of myself for being in this group.  I didn't even know if I'd make it in when I passed in my application.  My school is kind of full of over-achievers and geniuses for such a small town.

But I got in, and my history teacher, who is one of my favorite people and also the NHS adviser, gave the induction speech.  Now, I haven't really heard him talk about anything other than history for the entire year, so it was nice to hear about him and where he came from.  It was a really great speech, actually.  It made me think.  He mentioned thanking the people who have had an impact on your life.  So thank you guys.  Having you all as an audience and as friends has changed me as a person, and definitely for the better.  I don't know who I would be without all of you!

I also got my senior schedule.  I have three core classes - AP English, AP Spanish, and Honors Calculus.  All of my other friends' schedules were just about completely full or close to it and I have half of my schedule wide open.  So what I did was I talked to my guidance counselor and the head of the English department, and if I can schedule it, I can take both AP English and Honors Mythology next year.  Coupled with the fact that most of the electives I'm taking being English electives, my English teacher was joking with me saying that my senior year will be more like a first year of college than anything.  So I'm really happy about that.

And this brings me up to this weekend.  I went to a friend's house for a St. Patrick's Day party.  And these are my new friends from Drama Fest, so they are all from Ipswich.  I always forget that people sometimes like me when I leave Georgetown.  So I was at my friend's house, and I met one of his friends.  And we hit it off.

Long story short, I am now apparently going to two proms, when at the beginning of the year I didn't think I'd be going to one, and I am texting a guy who is really attractive and doesn't find me annoying or weird yet!

I don't know what this chalks up to, but I'd say that it is a win for Jennelle today.

That was ramble-y and disjointed as anything I've ever written.  And I want to major in writing.  What a laugh.

Alright guys, I have homework to go finish.  As per usual.

But I love you all and I'm really glad you all exist in some way, shape, or form on this planet.

I'll talk to you later!

Love and kisses!

Jen

Hey Guys... I Need To Rant a Little Bit for Personal Reasons, and I Mean What the Hell Else Did I Create This Blog For If Not To Rant for Personal Reasons?

I know I wrote a deep an thoughtful post on Monday, and yesterday I wrote a gratefulness post about how lucky I was to have you guys... And I could kind of use that friendship right about now.

I was put on a new medication a week ago.  And I thought everything was going swimmingly until about fifteen minutes ago, my time.  What's ironic about this whole situation is that right before the shit hit the fan, I was literally, and I am using that term in its correct form, downstairs telling my parents how the new drug that I was taking was working, and that my headaches were going away.  I didn't think anything of the weird hives on my face or my aching ribs or persistent feverish state or weird canker sores or my upset stomach or trembling hands or the persistent ringing in my ears or the dizziness or the fact that I WAS FREAKING HEARING THINGS THAT WERE NOT THERE.  I think I was deluding myself.  I mean, let's all be honest here.  I was searching, begging, bargaining with the universe for a miracle. So when this medicine came along, I thought that I had finally found something that maybe, just maybe, would work for me.

I thought that the universe had finally come through on my bargains.

I thought that I had finally found my cure.

So now I am here, ugly crying in front of my laptop.  Because if there is something I don't know how to do yet, it is cope with disappointment regarding my health.  At this point, I should be at least a little used to this. I seem to be impervious to help, in all honesty.  In the course of a year, I have been through 6 medications, 1 experimental treatment, acupuncture, Bowen massage, herbal essential oils, even freaking yoga.  You don't know disappointment until you realize that you are reacting badly to a medication.  If you think you have known disappointment, I'm sorry, but you're wrong.  I don't care if I sound callous right now.  This is my blog and I will do whatever I damn well please.

What really gets me is that I'm at the stage in my life where I should be worrying about teenager things.  Like, 'oh, what if so-and-so likes me?  What was on TV last night?  OMG, I totally didn't study for that test, gonna fail now, lol.'  I can't worry about those things.  I have this huge, overarching thing to worry about.  And my friends wonder why I look at them like they're mad when they look at me like I'm crazy when I say I don't like anyone.  Normal teenage things are literally a non-issue to me.  I don't have enough brain power to waste on them.  And the reason is because I am worrying about if I will be able to get my homework done before the headache sets in, or worrying about the foods that I'm eating and how they react with my medication, or worrying about college because it is in two years, guys.

I'm going to be in college in two years.  That is a very short amount of time.  I need to find something that works to get rid of at least an iota of my headaches, because I'm going to be a poor college student.  I am not going to be able to afford trips to the neurologist four times a year.  And the fact that my problem might affect where I go to college and how I function as an adult in the future is daunting.  My parents tell me not to worry about it, but how can I not?  They are the ones telling me to look at colleges!  They are the ones telling me to start thinking about my life!

I don't care if you guys skip over this, I really don't. Writing gets the emotions out.  I am so done with this condition.  I'm fucking done with switching medications at the speed of light.  I'm fucking done with all of it.  I'm 17.  I should be worrying about something stupid.  But I'm not.  I'm worried about falling asleep tonight because breathing is hard right now.  Fucking mexiletine.  Or the crying.  Could be from either, really.

If you read this whole thing, God bless ya, because you're a saint.  I'm sorry to bore all of you with this.  Writing this down helps me deal with this, you know?

There are some days where I look at all of humanity and all that is occurring in the universe, and I am extraordinarily glad to be a part of it.  But for everyone of those days, there is also a day where I look into the daunting, black abyss of all of space and time and yell "WHY ME?" into the void.  Because some days it is infinitely easier to feel sorry for yourself than it is to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, spit in the universe's face, and soldier on.

Today is one of those days.

But I still harbor the hope that tomorrow won't be.

Thank you for listening.

I leave you with, as always, love and kisses,

Jen

These Are The Days

So here we are.  Another year almost gone, another apocalypse averted, another holiday season upon us.  It is weird to see the world in terms of holidays and apocalypses and stuff like that.  But it makes sense.  These days are the days that define us as people and as a world.  The days that matter, if you will.

I don't like to define my life by big days.  I like little days.  Little days that define your life and who you are in much more profound ways than the big days.  Days where only small things happen.

Days like when I went into Boston by myself for the first time.  It was the first time I ever rode the train by myself.  It made me feel like an adult.  My parents trusted me enough to do this on my own.  They knew that I would be meeting up with friends, and they let me, knowing that I could.  The freedom that comes with your parents realizing that you are almost an adult and letting you do things by yourself is a huge deal, especially when you are a teenager.  It solidifies itself in your head as a moment where you yourself realize that you are almost an adult.  The years where I am a teenager are almost over.  I only have three more years until I am twenty.  That notion is crazy to me.  But the fact that my parents trusted me to be able to take the train by myself shows me that true independence is not too far away.

Days like when I was in Israel.  Those are big days, I suppose, but it was the little things during those days that make that trip so memorable.  It was hanging out with the people in their rooms.  There was one day where me and my friends just sprawled out on the beds and watched dubbed Family Guy in Jerusalem.  We weren't supposed to be in the guys' rooms, but we didn't care.  We did it anyways, since obviously everyone else was.  Or being in a market place and having one of my friends buy, quite honestly, all of the spices in Jerusalem.  Or getting iced coffee.  Or complaining about early wakeups.  Or doing laundry together in the tub.  Or hugging each other.  Or comforting each other.  There are moments on that trip that I will never forget, and they were the small moments.  The comforting hand of someone who feels what you are going through.  The acknowledging hug of someone letting you know they are there.  Small things.  Laughter.  Jokes.  New best friends that I hope to have for the rest of my life.

Days like my grandmother's passing.  In the grand scheme of life, the universe, and everything, one human life is not huge.  Millions of people die every day, and millions of people are born every day.  Such is the nature of life.  I think what makes life special is that it doesn't matter how small and insignificant one human life can seem to the rest of the world.  That one human life mattered to me.  It was special, and beautiful. And now it is gone.  My grandmother's death was the first death that I have experienced that I truly realized how scary and how very big death is.  It is a big concept for such a small action.  It is part of being alive, but it is the absence of life.  I still can't quite wrap my head around the concept that my grandmother is not here, and will never be here again.  That she is gone.  Little things will remind me of her, like songs that she used to hum and candies that she used to eat.  They have become part of me.  And in that small way, she will never die.  What she was, who she was, is part of me now.  I guess humans have at least one facet of immortality down.  We can never be truly forgotten by those who love us.  And when the people we love are gone, and they become part of us, and then those parts are remembered by the ones who love us when we are gone.  And so it goes.

I have days where I don't want to get out of bed.  And those days define me.

There are days when I am so excited about getting to tomorrow that I can't sleep, even though I know that sleeping will get me to the next day quicker than tossing and turning will. And those days define me.

There are days when I have lost faith in humanity.  There are days when I have nothing but hope for the future of the world because of the good I see in people.

There are days when I am so anxious that I can barely speak.  There are days when I feel like no one likes me.  There are days when I worry about things that are out of my control.

There are days when I feel like I can soar on the wind of my own confidence.  There are days when I feel like the world is my oyster and everyone is a pearl.  There are days when I realize that the world is what it is and I can't change that, so I just accept it.

These days are the days that define me.  Not holidays, not apocalypses.  The little days.  The days that make up the in-betweens.  The beautiful, wonderful, horrible, terrifying, fucked-up and not fucked-up enough days in-between the days that define other peoples' lives.

These are the days that define me.

Happy Christmas everyone.

Jen

April 27: Philosophical Thoughts

Hey there fooligans.  Here is a video for your eyes and ears.  I apologize if it is quiet.  It's midnight.  I failed.  Boohoo.  Anyways, I forgot to say bye to you guys, because I am forgetful and it is late/early.  Very very early.

So love and kisses,

Jen

[Edit: You have to turn the volume up a bit; it was midnight and I was talking quietly so as to not wake up my mum.  Tara!]

April 20: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I Know What Date It Is

And here is the thing, I have no desire to do drugs.  Ever.

I live in a very small town.  A town so small, in fact, that the only things to do are smoke pot or wish you weren't here.  Or both.  Or neither.  I spend most of my time doing the latter and none of my time doing the former.

And it isn't for lack of opportunity.  I know tons of people who smoke.  A good percent of my friends do.  My close friends don't, but a lot of my 'friend' friends do.  And it isn't like people haven't asked me to.  One time, during one of the productions of my school's musical, I was hanging out in the back with the crew because I wasn't needed onstage, and when I said that I've never smoked before, everyone laughed at me.  And then when I told them that it was the truth, they all laughed harder.  No one believed me. True story.

My mom actually told me that people told her to watch out for me, because I would be the kid to try stuff.  And I'm probably the most morally-opposed-to-drugs person ever.  I just see no point in using drugs for recreational purposes.  Coming from someone who has to take 12 pills a day to just act like a human, and sometimes that doesn't help, I can't see the point of putting something into your body that shouldn't be going in there.

Now, a vegan could say that that includes animals, and to that I say:

Bacon Roses.  Shut up, Vegan-face*

*no insults to vegans, but I mean, COME ON.

So anyways, 4/20.  Not a huge deal to me.  Just another day, in fact.

And to all those who participated, I wish a surprise drug test on you tomorrow.

Nah, I'm not that mean.  I hope you get the munchies and eat cat food.  THAT is worse.

MUAHAHAHA!!!

Love and kisses,

Jen

P.S.  I don't really wish those things, I just wish people didn't do drugs.  I've seen what they can do to a person and how they ruin relationships.  I want nothing to do with drugs, unless they are saving my life.  So far, so good.

Life Is An STD That Is Always Fatal

Lovelypoos! I'm back!  I'm not dead!  I didn't fall off the face of the earth!  I wasn't eaten by rabid walruses!  I just had a really big history project due, and that took up all of my time.  It won't happen again.  Kidding, it probably will happen.  All the time.  So sorry about that.

I'm going to confess something to you all that I haven't actually confessed out loud, not even when I'm talking to myself.

Prepare yourselves for what may seem like deep-rooted self esteem issues mixed in with some adolescent hormonal moaning.  But don't worry; It's just sleep deprivation.

I'm afraid that I'm defective.  I know that that sounds awful and terrible, but I do.  I have two friends, yes?  I have them in most of my classes, and during PE we sit in the corner of the gymnasium on the mats and talk about stuff (yes, for all of you who are wondering, I'm passing this class with an A, thank you very much).  Mostly the stuff we talk about is boys, because we are girls. 

Now my two friends, both of them openly have crushes on boys, I guess is the way to put it.  Both of them have had multiple boyfriends and they both get boys to like them really easily.

Here is where I feel like I'm defective.  I can't get a guy to like me.  Like ever.  I've had a grand total of one boyfriend, and that was for fifteen minutes in the sixth grade.  I've never been kissed, and I doubt any self-respecting guy has even thought about kissing me, regardless of how horny he was.

And I don't feel a need to always like a guy.  I haven't 'had a crush' since sixth grade.  At least on anyone attainable.  I have 'idea crushes', as in, I love the idea of someone, like a celebrity.  Or I get really attached to a voice.  Or a character in a book.  But not on anyone real.  Does that make me defective?  Or weird?

I am kind of worried that I'm going to end up lonely and alone because I have trouble making connections with people.  I feel like people think that I'm aloof.  I guess sometimes I do act like that.  It's my own fault.  I act aloof and use caustic sarcasm as a way to hide the fact that I have no idea how to act and that I actually am quite shy.

People have said that one of my great qualities is no fear to talk to strangers and a vast knowledge that allows me to relate to anyone.  If only they knew.

Okay, so that was deeply personal, I'm so sorry that I just subjected you to that.

I love you all.  Seriously.

Parting joke:

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

Because his life had no porpoise!

Love and kisses,

L.

Keep Calm, It's Going To Be Totally Awesome

If you see the quote "Alas, ...", what is your automatic response to it?

Choose.

A.) I failed.
B.) Earwax.
C.) Peanut Brittle.
D.) It's over.

If you chose A or D, you have no imagination whatsoever.
If you chose C, I want whatever your on.
If you chose B, you are my best friend ever. (Or Isabel T., which is basically the same thing.)



For those of you who are awesome, you probably guessed what this post was going to be about from the title, which is a quote from A Very Potter Musical, which I've mentioned a lot on this blog. So, if you can deduce it, if you've been taking your smart pills, you could probably guess that this is going to be a very long, very involved, possibly tear-jerking post about HOW MUCH I FREAKING LOVE HARRY POTTER.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system, a warning: If you do not like Harry Potter, leave now. Leave right now and never come back. (Not really; please come back! I'll still love you if you don't like Harry Potter. Though probably a little less than I did before.)

You've been warned.

I am going to start this off with a huge I AM A GIGANTIC, HUMONGOUS, FANTASTICALLY AWESOME NERD. And I am specifically a nerd for Harry Potter. I wasn't even born when the series first came into fruition. I was born later, which kind of is bizarre to me. My whole entire life, my whole life I've had Harry Potter in it. There hasn't been a period in my life when Harry Potter didn't exist. That is mad. And by mad I mean crazy. See? I think that Harry Potter was the first thing that introduced me to Britain and its awesomeness. And I've never stopped loving it. I use British terms all of the time, thanks to Potter. It began my fascination. Seriously.

Secondly, I'm not one of those obnoxious people who think about Harry Potter 24/7. I know my limits. I seriously could link it to everything and anything in my life, but I don't. I have friends who do that, and frankly I find it annoying. I love these books, and seriously wish that I was J.K. Rowling, but I have standards. I haven't read the series in full in about a year and a half. Not ony do I not have the time, I just have other stuff to read. But that's the great thing. I can go and read other books, and still have time to say, 'You know what, it's time to read Harry Potter again.' And I just do. It's like going home. As sad and patheic it is to say that.

Thirdly, it is time for the awkward confession of the day. I used to pretend I was a character in Harry Potter (Sorry Is!). Like intensely. And until I was about 12. Seriously. Don't mock.

Fourthly, I love everything to do with Potterlore. A Very Potter Musical and Wrock music anyone? I have friends who are Potter purists, and they only like the books and I'm like WHY? Why wouldn't you want to immerse yourself in this honest-to-goodness subculture? This is probably the only place that I feel comfortable pigeonholing myself into. I am a Potter Nerd. This is final.

Fifthly, it is Thursday night, I have work tomorrow, I'm listening to Wrock music and as soon as I finish this post I'm rereading the 7th book. And then tomorrow I'm going to see the Final Harry Potter Movie dressed up as Draco Malfoy. I'm really nice now, you guys. It is going to be totally awesome.

Sixthly, I just love these books. The characters, literally, are my best friends. I feel closer to Harry, Ron, and Hermione than I do to some of my honest-to-hopkirk friends. Like, flesh and blood friends. I'm closer to fictional characters than to real people. If that isn't devotion I don't know what is.

Seventhly, I just love these books. They were the perfect escape as a kid, when I was weird and didn't have many friends. I found friends in Harry, Ron, and Hermione. I found a home at Hogwarts. I found myself in those books. And no matter what, I will always be waiting for my letter...

So yeah, I really love Harry Potter. I kind of banged this post out, and when I go see the movie tomorrow, Red Vines in tow, I will totally write a review.

GET PUMPED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I KNOW I AMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

And in the words of the immortal Albus Wolfric Percival Brian Dumbledore, here is my ideas on the whole series.

"Well of course this was happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

And with that I bid you adieu; I have some book to read.

Big sopping kisses to all,

*MWA.