April 14: An Open Letter To My New (ish) Obsessions

I can get obsessed with things.  Easily.  Too easily, perhaps.  But the thing about my obsessions, is that they never really go away.  I just have a lot of things that I am obsessed with.  And that's a good thing.  I am allowed to be unironically obsessed with things, because 1. I don't give a flying banana what anyone thinks of me, and 2. It's nice finding new things to love.  I enjoy it.  A lot. To much, perhaps.

Anyways, before I begin, I have to say an obligatory Happy Birthday to my elder brother.  He's just turned 18, and now he's an adult.  I love him, even if I don't always show it.  He's an inspiration.  Even if he doesn't know it.

Also, another milestone has been reached, though it is not for a living entity.  Unless you count the Interwebs as an entity.  I'll just say it - post 100!  I've reached it y'all!  I've conquered the first one hundred posts!  Here's to another hundred, and then another!

Now, to my obsessions!

Dear My Obsessions,

Why are you awesome?  Honestly, it isn't fair to me.  I have other things to do in my life besides looking up pictures of Josh Hutcherson shirtless on Google, which I did last night!

Do you see what you have reduced me to?  It isn't good, obsessions.  Not at all.

One Direction, why do you all have to be so lovely and hilarious?  I keep wasting my time watching your video diaries.  You all just seem like such lovely people, like you wouldn't be rude or anything if I asked for a hug.  Although, sometimes, you seem to hate your fans, which weirdly makes me like you more.  On top of that, I have always had a soft spot for boy bands, ever since I saw N'Sync in concert.  I was six, and I was smitten.  I still have the necklace.  It doesn't hurt that your music is really good.  It is catchy, and perfectly engineered to make teenage girls go crazy.  But it works for you, and I applaud that.  Honestly, it all so catchy; I haven't stopped singing What Makes You Beautiful for a long time, and I am not ashamed to admit that.  It also doesn't hurt that you are actually really good singers.  I know they fix up your voices and such with music tech, but I don't think they need to. I watched you on X-Factor. I was rooting for you all!  Plus, your adorable looks and charm are unfair to female contingent of the world.  You are all quite literally too good looking. You all have to stop being so perfect.  Please.  For the sake of womankind.

Seriously lads.  Put away your god damn sexy!

It isn't fair.  And it also isn't fair that I can't have all of them in a sexy man sandwich.  Don't lie and say you wouldn't want one too.  Because then you would be a dirty liar.

Josh Hutcherson, well... I've already discussed you.  Just look at my last post.  It's basically a tribute to Panem's finest tribute.  How fucking witty am I? I'm hilarious.  Okay, no I'm not.  Just let me live out my delusions of grandeur, okay?  I'm going to die alone with a million cats, anyways.  It's not like it's going to hurt.

Of Monsters and Men, why must you be so amazing and Icelandic?  I swear, I have a soft spot for music from Iceland; another one of my favorite bands is from there (Sigur Ros).  I'd check out both Sigur Ros and Of Monsters and Men.  They are both lovely and fantastic.

Here are linkity links to clickity click.

Sigur Ros - Staralfur

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks

Little Talks has the best music video ever.  Seriously.

So yeah.  New obsessions, stop being so obsession worthy.  It isn't fair to me, or to anyone involved.

Love and kisses,

Jen

Just Call Me Myrtle, Because I Am About To Moan...

Clever title, right? I'm full of hilariosity.  Honestly, I don't know how I live with myself.

But today isn't going to be all sunshine and roses and me being hilarious and bringing humor into your lives like a humor-bringing thing.
No. Today I'm going to moan.
If you don't like moaning, the exit is, quite literally, the X at the right or left of your screen, depending on the brand of computer you have.

Ready? Are they gone?

....

Good. If they are gone, I don't love them nearly as much as I love you all.  Honestly. I love you all much more than them.  Muchos kisses mi smallus amigos. (And I say that I'm in Spanish 3. What a laugh and a half.)

So let me tell you my story.

I have this issue where I was all high and mighty and didn't like anyone 'like that' for I want to say four years, which coming from a teenage girl, is like saying I've been a virgin lesbian monk for 79 years and that I have a beard and a moustache and I live in a cave in the Himalayas.

....

Obviously none of that is true, besides the bit about me not liking anyone for four years. But that is what I'm trying to get at. I haven't liked anyone for four years, which is nuts. My friends liked guys and fell out of like with guys and I was like their proverbial rock in the storm. They clung to my apparent freakish non-normal self because I had a clear head. That is clearly a lie, but I apparently offered the best advice on relationships, which is hilarious and ironic because I've never been in one. A relationship that is. Saying that I was going out with a guy for fifteen minutes in the sixth grade doesn't count.

Anyfloozle, this year I met a guy. Shocking beginning to the tale, I know. Like I said, I'm not a lesbian monk. But I met a guy. And he is really, really cool. And I guess it is a good thing he doesn't know that I have a blog, because then he would find this and he would know it was about him. And he would get a big inflated head and that is the last thing that I would want to happen. It's already inflated enough. But that's one of the reasons I like him, odd as that may sound.

I met him talking at a marching band parade. The first conversation we ever had we talked about how me and my friend Elliese have penis envy and we want to have one for one day only for the sole purpose of writing our names in the snow. This, ladies and germs, is what me and my friends think about. But he was funny. And we got to talking more. And, the blossom of LUUUURRRVVVE began to grow.

But then, the pruning sheers of horrible comments appeared. He said that he was like my brother. And I was all 'Suuuurrrreee!' and I said it with that horrible fake smile that feels like it has been plastered onto your face.

Then the flirting started. And there was a lot of it. I knew he was flirting with a lot of other girls, but me being vair vair pathetico, I thought I was different. So I kind of told him that I liked him. And then things left the Valley of the Casually Okay and entered the Mountains of the Majestically Awkward. We didn't talk for about a week and a half. Which, for those of you who don't know, is about seven years in teenage girl time.

So I wrote him a note like the romance novel heroine that I am and now we're friends again. But he's trying not to flirt with people anymore. Which sucks because I love hugging people. (I love hugging people. I love hugs. I will literally hug anyone. I don't care if I haven't known you that long, I will hug you.) And in trying not to flirt with people he's moaning to me about it.

And now I'm moaning to you. It's like the big circle of MOAN.

Or a pyramid of moan, since you can't moan to him about me moaning about him. Or if you can, please don't!

....

Wait, I didn't tell you his name, and as far as I know, none of you know him, so I'm in the free and clear!

Woopdedoo and PANTS!

Okay, moaning/storytime over. I just used all of you like a diary.  Keep these secrets I have told you until you are cold and in the grave. And like Andrew Marvill said, you can't date in the grave. Or, well, Marvill didn't say that. He implied it though. I had my English midterm today - can you tell?

I feel like I've wittered on enough, like a wittering thing meant to witter away.  I'll let you get back to your lives. They are probably much more interesting than mine.

Parting joke:

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first guy says to the bartender "Hey, I'll have some H2O!" The second guy goes "That sounds good. I'll have some H2O2."
The second guy died.

Love and kisses,
Jen

MORE LINKS TO CLICK!!! CLICK THEM CLICK THEM CLICK THEM!!!!

You know how I wrote that thing about glee give a note?

And how if you clicked the link I would give you a place in my government when I take over the world?  Something like that?

Yeah, that still applies.

CLICKY THE LINKY!

CLICK ME I'M A LINK!

But in addition to helping my school win some cashola for music, and you all know how important music is, I'm giving you lovelypoos another link to click.  And you will hear the sound of my voice for possibly the first time.  Grab onto your socks, pants, hats, anything that could be blown off, because I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND.

Click this and follow the sound of my voice.

I appear at I think around the 1 minute mark.  Be forewarned - I was not told that I would be used for filming that day, so I'm wearing no makeup and my acorn hat.  You will see why I call it an acorn hat if you click the link.  You will also see that I'm really bad at improvising. 

But I thought you might enjoy this.  My school is quite hilarious.  I'm proud to be part of the band! Even if we are clumsy.   You will get it if you click the link!  Promise!

That's right.

I'm in the band!

Love and kisses,

L.

P.S. That thing about the squirrel?  Not a lie.  If you click the link, you will know what I'm talking about!

P.P.S.  The pads bit made my think of sanitary pads.  It was awkward, because it is funny, and if you think of that, it makes it funnier.  CLICKTHELINKIFYOUWANTTOKNOWWHATIMTALKINGABOUT!!!!

P.P.S.  I really want you to click the link, can you tell?  Because 1.  I want you to like my school and vote for us for the glee thing, and 2. I want you to see that I'm an awkward awkwarder who likes to awkward and that I'm wearing a hat.  And that I exist.  So, click the links, yeah?

It Is Continued...? (Only On Alternate Tuesdays, Though)

Yes it is. I am obsessed with a few things at the moment, actually. Firstly, however:




Gabi: It is your face. How did you know?




Eeshie: Eat some brownies, it will all be over soon :)



PeaceLoveAndSharpies: I CAN'T WAIT EITHER!!!! I'm SOOO excited!!!!! I LOVE ALL OF THEM!!!! Dear Maria was the first song I heard and after that I was hooked!



Anywho, I bet you are all on the edges of your seats, biting your fingernails and crying with anticipation, so here goes it.



Obsession #1: The phrase 'Shit just got real'. This may seem inconsequential, but it really isn't. I almost got in trouble for saying it right next to my principal. Thank God he is so oblivious he didn't even hear me. So, trouble averted, right? Wrong. I accidentally said it to my English teacher, but that didn't get me ground into a fine white powder. My English teacher is the man and he just laughed. So now that I've bored you to tears...




Obsession #2: These mango-cream popsicles minus the sticks from Trader Joe's. Holy Jesus are they delicious. They have cream and mango and no messy stick in the way and are all around deliciously delicious things.



Obsession #3: LIFEGOESON by Noah and the Whale. Listen to it, and I dare you not to sing along and get it stuck in your head for days on end. I DARE YOU!!! I DARE ALL OF YOU!!!!



Obsession #4: The weather where I live right now. It's freaky-deaky wackadoo up here in New England, folks. We had a tornado warning today (technically yesterday because I am lazy and didn't finish this when the tornado occurred. And it did occur. And it killed four people). A tornado warning. And there actually WAS a tornado. It touched down in a town very far from where I live, and it was very exciting for my little bro, who wants to be a storm chaser. When he heard that there was a tornado warning, he got so excited he almost peed himself. I'm not joking.



Obsession #5: This website. Get ready to get a hell of a lot better at insulting people, you infectious, unchin-snouted codpiece! (Brownies to whoever can tell me what an unchin is? Is it when people have really weak chins that shouldn't be considered chins, more like a neck tumor that never quite metastasized? Tell me if I'm right! And I will make you a brownie! For realz, yo.)



Obsession #6: The Yiddish language. I'm teaching myself Yiddish as just a shits and giggles kind of thing, but with deeper psychological reasons that I will have you all wondering about. I just love this language. It's literally six languages in one. It's got a little bit of everything. And I can guarantee that every single one of you uses Yiddish words every day. Examples: klutz - Yiddish; bagel - Yiddish; beatnik - partially Yiddish; schlep - Yiddish; schmuck - so Yiddish it hurts. See where I'm going? Besides, now I can call people mamzer, miskayt, arumloyfer, khazer, dumkopf, eyzel, and Ekeldikerparshoyn. Those are just some of my favorites. Mamzer means bastard. Teheheheeeee.



Obsession #7: This cocoa butter oil that I just bought. It smells really good, sort of like vanilla, and I use it in lieu of lotion. It makes me feel supermegafoxyawesomehot. And it smells like vanilla!



Obsession #8: Divergent, by Veronica Roth. I just finished reading it today, and honestly I'm stoked for her to write a sequel. It is a dystopian future novel and it's really good.





Obsession #9: Bo Burnham. I know, I know, y'all already know that I love Bo Burnham. But I found this one video of him. It's amazing... watch it. I laughed so hard. Honestly, he is one of the best comedians of my generation (even if he is about five years older than me, he is still in my generation. I can proudly say I was born before the iPod. And HD. And DVDs. Holy shit, I feel old.) and his career is so promising. He really reminds me of Demetri Martin. They both use a kind of humor called paraprosdokians. Here is a link to the wiki page, I don't feel like going into obsessive detail. (Haha, obsessive. This is ironic, because this whole post is about my current obsessions. Teheee) Basically, a paraprosdokian is the kind of sentence where you think it is going one way, but then at the end, something is said that changes the whole meaning of the sentence. Example - "I believe in the Zodiac. I'm a Leo; I love Titanic. There's something a little bit morbidly ironic, see my grandmother was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab." Weren't expecting that, were you? That's a paraprosdokian. But seriously, look up Demetri Martin. He's quietly hilarious. Seriously.




Obsession #10: I thought I'd end on an even number, due to my fear of odd numbers, which is known as Fear of Odd Numbers, which isn't cool or anything, but it does bring me to my final obsession. The names of fears. Example - Long Words; hippomonstrososesquipedaliaphobia. Palindromes; aibohphobia. Beards; pogonophobia. Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of Your Mouth; arachibutyrophobia. Garlic; alliumphobia. Dancing; chorophobia. Walloons; walloonphobia. Just one question - What is a walloon?




So yeah, there are my obsession as of late. I hope that it was as disappointing as it should have been. I wish that I had cool obsessions but I don't. I get obsessed with mango popsicles and the names of fears. I don't know what an unchin or a walloon is. But I am still obsessed with them. What are you all obsessed with? Tell me! I vant to know!!!!



Parting joke:

"This summer I was at a pool party and I learned that there is a very small but very important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION."

-Demetri Martin.


I have to go, but I love you all. Big sopping kisses to everyone!