April 2: You Can Pick Your Nose...

*Here is a monologue that I wrote for Acting Class*

Every one's family is a little crazy.  That's the deal with families.  No matter what you do, they will always be there to drag you right back into their nut job world.

My family is your standard family.  Mum, dad, two brothers, me.  But then you add in the fact that my little brother spent a majority of his younger years pretending to be a cat, and now spends most of his time trying to create homemade rocket fuel.  He is going to blow up my house one day.  And throw in the fact that my older brother rarely eats carbohydrates because he is afraid of his body fat rising over a certain point, and how he tries to get rid of chocolate in my house because he wants to eat it but won't.

Or how my father decides that yanking me out from underneath my nice, warm covers by my ankles whilst singing the Hebrew alphabet at the top of his lungs is an acceptable way to wake up his teenage daughter on a Saturday.

The heart attack I suffered following that awakening topped all of the heart attack I suffer from living in my house.  Honestly, it was like that movie, Taken.  I thought that I was being abducted, and that I was going to die at the hands of some psychopathic Jewish school teacher. (I can say that, I'm Jewish.  Besides this is my crazy brain we're talking about here.)

But alas, no.  Just my dad being absolutely barking mad, as usual.  Then Joshua came in and jumped on my bed, and joined in the singing.  He sat on my stomach.  It hurt.  My mum and Jake were laughing their heads off.  At my pain.  What gives?

That's family for you.  You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can' t pick your family.

Even if I could, I'd pick them.

The Story of How I Dealt With My First True Asshole

Let me preface this story by saying that I am Jewish, and extremely proud of this fact.  I know that the previous statement sounds innocuous, but believe me when I say it is important to the story.

And so it begins.

************

I have never hated anyone before.  I am very proud of this fact, that I am in my seventeenth year of existing on this planet and I have never hated anyone.

Well, of course, that all had to change this year.

So there is this guy in my school.  His name is Brandon, but it should be Dick.  Because that is what he is.  We were in the play together, and this is where this all started.

Whenever I would walk past him, he'd go "chu chu", like a train, but he would say it in a manner that sounded like he was saying "Jew Jew".  Which I wouldn't tolerate.  I point-blank asked him what he was saying a few times, and he'd get all defensive and wouldn't answer me.  So I finally just tried ignoring him, because asking him to stop wasn't helping.  Whenever he would make a racial comment, I would kind of laugh it off, and awkwardly try to remove myself from the situation as soon as possible.

But after the play ended, he would still do this stupid stuff!  At a Capella, he would make comment and make sure I heard them.  He even really embarrassed my friend Peter because he included him in one of his 'jokes' and when Peter realized what was going on, he got so red.  I didn't know that shade of red existed in this world.  It was then that I started to stand up for myself.  He was going "Jooo", which is a syllable in one of our songs, but he made sure he was looking at me what he said it.  So I looked right back and went "diiiick".  He stopped for that day.  Win for me.

However, he didn't stop completely.  I dealt with that today.  Oh, I dealt with it.

Today, I had a horrible headache.  Now, if you don't know, I get terrible headaches, which I talk about here, if you want to know more.  My medicine has since stopped working and I get horrible, migraine-type headaches a few times a day.  If any of you have ever had a migraine, you know what I mean.  And then Dick, I mean Brandon, has to balls to walk past me and go "chu chu" like he's a train conductor.  I looked physically ill when he did that.  Like puke up my guts ill.  And we were in a crowded hallway!

After that I was done.  I had had it.

I went home and I told my mom what I was going to do.  Now, my mom knows what this guy has been doing, and she actually gave me a bunch of comebacks to say to him which were mean and witty at the same time.  That is why I love my mother.  But I told her what I was going to do, and she gave me some really good advice.  That is another reason I love my mother.

So I went into a Capella knowing exactly what I was going to do.  And Brandon was there, and he was pretty good because he wasn't near me, but at the very end of practice, he was right behind me and he asked my friend MaryBeth if she liked "juice".  And then he said "I could really go for a juice box right now" putting a hell of a lot of inflection of the "ju" part of "juice".  MaryBeth, bless her heart, turned around and said "Fuck you" to Brandon.  I love her for that.  Then he had the ballsack to ask me if I wanted a juice box.  That was it.  I turned around and went "Brandon, could I have a word with you after a Capella?  Thanks."  He shut up real quick.

When a Capella ended, he came up to me and was all "Sorry sorry I didn't know blah blah blah".  It was such bullshit, y'all.  Like I couldn't deal with it.  I said to him "I accept your apology but let me talk.  I am done with your comments.  I have had it." And then he said "If I had known you were annoyed I wouldn't have done it!" (Yeah right.  Once a dick, always a dick.  He was horrible to my older brother too when Jake, my older brother, went to my school.  Him and Brandon hated each other.)  But I said "Let me finish.  This is the last time.  The next time you make a comment like that I will go to the school."  And he's all "But you laughed!"  And I said "Yeah, because you made me feel so uncomfortable!" And then he goes "Why are you so angry?" To which I replied "Because I was the only one you were doing that to.  And it ends now.  This is the last time."

Then I walked away.

LIKE A BOSS.

He kind of looked at me and then walked away, like he didn't know what to do with himself.

WIN FOR ME!!!

He'll probably never bother me again.  He's just a jerk, and a bully, and a coward to boot.  And I put that asshole in his place.  I've got two and a half more months and then I'll never see him again, because he's graduating.  Which I'm taking as a welcome blessing.

More than anything, this experience has taught me that there are assholes out there, even in my ass backwards little town (I literally live in the boonies of Massachusetts, but I digress).  There are people who will make fun of me and hate me because of my religion.  They exist, and there are a lot of them in the world, which weirdly makes me even prouder to be Jewish.  Jews have been through some shit storms throughout all of recorded history.  Most of the world has always been hating on the Jews in one form or another.  This hatred, which has lasted thousands of years, makes me proud to be part of this religion.  We can deal with this hatred.  And we survive in spite of it.

Just like I did with Brandon.  I stood up for myself, and told him exactly what was what.  If anything, I now know that I am strong enough to take on people who will hate me for no reason other than my religion.  And knowing this makes me feel like a better, stronger person.  I can deal with assholes.  And I can do it on my own.  I can take on the world, in my own small way.

Besides, telling him off felt almost as good as if I had punched him in the face, which was my next option.  I have very violent tendencies.  It isn't good.  Or is it.....?

Well, if you've read through this whole thing, I love you to bits and pieces.  You just read my first tale of me dealing with the real world.  This is a monumental occasion.  Thanks for sharing it with me.

Parting joke:

"Dicks and vaginas are kind of like Coke and Pepsi.  I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they taste the same."
-Bo Burnham
(technically vaginas should be vaginae but I'm not one to change quotations.)

Love and kisses,

Jen