The Story of How I Dealt With My First True Asshole

Let me preface this story by saying that I am Jewish, and extremely proud of this fact.  I know that the previous statement sounds innocuous, but believe me when I say it is important to the story.

And so it begins.

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I have never hated anyone before.  I am very proud of this fact, that I am in my seventeenth year of existing on this planet and I have never hated anyone.

Well, of course, that all had to change this year.

So there is this guy in my school.  His name is Brandon, but it should be Dick.  Because that is what he is.  We were in the play together, and this is where this all started.

Whenever I would walk past him, he'd go "chu chu", like a train, but he would say it in a manner that sounded like he was saying "Jew Jew".  Which I wouldn't tolerate.  I point-blank asked him what he was saying a few times, and he'd get all defensive and wouldn't answer me.  So I finally just tried ignoring him, because asking him to stop wasn't helping.  Whenever he would make a racial comment, I would kind of laugh it off, and awkwardly try to remove myself from the situation as soon as possible.

But after the play ended, he would still do this stupid stuff!  At a Capella, he would make comment and make sure I heard them.  He even really embarrassed my friend Peter because he included him in one of his 'jokes' and when Peter realized what was going on, he got so red.  I didn't know that shade of red existed in this world.  It was then that I started to stand up for myself.  He was going "Jooo", which is a syllable in one of our songs, but he made sure he was looking at me what he said it.  So I looked right back and went "diiiick".  He stopped for that day.  Win for me.

However, he didn't stop completely.  I dealt with that today.  Oh, I dealt with it.

Today, I had a horrible headache.  Now, if you don't know, I get terrible headaches, which I talk about here, if you want to know more.  My medicine has since stopped working and I get horrible, migraine-type headaches a few times a day.  If any of you have ever had a migraine, you know what I mean.  And then Dick, I mean Brandon, has to balls to walk past me and go "chu chu" like he's a train conductor.  I looked physically ill when he did that.  Like puke up my guts ill.  And we were in a crowded hallway!

After that I was done.  I had had it.

I went home and I told my mom what I was going to do.  Now, my mom knows what this guy has been doing, and she actually gave me a bunch of comebacks to say to him which were mean and witty at the same time.  That is why I love my mother.  But I told her what I was going to do, and she gave me some really good advice.  That is another reason I love my mother.

So I went into a Capella knowing exactly what I was going to do.  And Brandon was there, and he was pretty good because he wasn't near me, but at the very end of practice, he was right behind me and he asked my friend MaryBeth if she liked "juice".  And then he said "I could really go for a juice box right now" putting a hell of a lot of inflection of the "ju" part of "juice".  MaryBeth, bless her heart, turned around and said "Fuck you" to Brandon.  I love her for that.  Then he had the ballsack to ask me if I wanted a juice box.  That was it.  I turned around and went "Brandon, could I have a word with you after a Capella?  Thanks."  He shut up real quick.

When a Capella ended, he came up to me and was all "Sorry sorry I didn't know blah blah blah".  It was such bullshit, y'all.  Like I couldn't deal with it.  I said to him "I accept your apology but let me talk.  I am done with your comments.  I have had it." And then he said "If I had known you were annoyed I wouldn't have done it!" (Yeah right.  Once a dick, always a dick.  He was horrible to my older brother too when Jake, my older brother, went to my school.  Him and Brandon hated each other.)  But I said "Let me finish.  This is the last time.  The next time you make a comment like that I will go to the school."  And he's all "But you laughed!"  And I said "Yeah, because you made me feel so uncomfortable!" And then he goes "Why are you so angry?" To which I replied "Because I was the only one you were doing that to.  And it ends now.  This is the last time."

Then I walked away.

LIKE A BOSS.

He kind of looked at me and then walked away, like he didn't know what to do with himself.

WIN FOR ME!!!

He'll probably never bother me again.  He's just a jerk, and a bully, and a coward to boot.  And I put that asshole in his place.  I've got two and a half more months and then I'll never see him again, because he's graduating.  Which I'm taking as a welcome blessing.

More than anything, this experience has taught me that there are assholes out there, even in my ass backwards little town (I literally live in the boonies of Massachusetts, but I digress).  There are people who will make fun of me and hate me because of my religion.  They exist, and there are a lot of them in the world, which weirdly makes me even prouder to be Jewish.  Jews have been through some shit storms throughout all of recorded history.  Most of the world has always been hating on the Jews in one form or another.  This hatred, which has lasted thousands of years, makes me proud to be part of this religion.  We can deal with this hatred.  And we survive in spite of it.

Just like I did with Brandon.  I stood up for myself, and told him exactly what was what.  If anything, I now know that I am strong enough to take on people who will hate me for no reason other than my religion.  And knowing this makes me feel like a better, stronger person.  I can deal with assholes.  And I can do it on my own.  I can take on the world, in my own small way.

Besides, telling him off felt almost as good as if I had punched him in the face, which was my next option.  I have very violent tendencies.  It isn't good.  Or is it.....?

Well, if you've read through this whole thing, I love you to bits and pieces.  You just read my first tale of me dealing with the real world.  This is a monumental occasion.  Thanks for sharing it with me.

Parting joke:

"Dicks and vaginas are kind of like Coke and Pepsi.  I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they taste the same."
-Bo Burnham
(technically vaginas should be vaginae but I'm not one to change quotations.)

Love and kisses,

Jen

It Is Continued...? (Only On Alternate Tuesdays, Though)

Yes it is. I am obsessed with a few things at the moment, actually. Firstly, however:




Gabi: It is your face. How did you know?




Eeshie: Eat some brownies, it will all be over soon :)



PeaceLoveAndSharpies: I CAN'T WAIT EITHER!!!! I'm SOOO excited!!!!! I LOVE ALL OF THEM!!!! Dear Maria was the first song I heard and after that I was hooked!



Anywho, I bet you are all on the edges of your seats, biting your fingernails and crying with anticipation, so here goes it.



Obsession #1: The phrase 'Shit just got real'. This may seem inconsequential, but it really isn't. I almost got in trouble for saying it right next to my principal. Thank God he is so oblivious he didn't even hear me. So, trouble averted, right? Wrong. I accidentally said it to my English teacher, but that didn't get me ground into a fine white powder. My English teacher is the man and he just laughed. So now that I've bored you to tears...




Obsession #2: These mango-cream popsicles minus the sticks from Trader Joe's. Holy Jesus are they delicious. They have cream and mango and no messy stick in the way and are all around deliciously delicious things.



Obsession #3: LIFEGOESON by Noah and the Whale. Listen to it, and I dare you not to sing along and get it stuck in your head for days on end. I DARE YOU!!! I DARE ALL OF YOU!!!!



Obsession #4: The weather where I live right now. It's freaky-deaky wackadoo up here in New England, folks. We had a tornado warning today (technically yesterday because I am lazy and didn't finish this when the tornado occurred. And it did occur. And it killed four people). A tornado warning. And there actually WAS a tornado. It touched down in a town very far from where I live, and it was very exciting for my little bro, who wants to be a storm chaser. When he heard that there was a tornado warning, he got so excited he almost peed himself. I'm not joking.



Obsession #5: This website. Get ready to get a hell of a lot better at insulting people, you infectious, unchin-snouted codpiece! (Brownies to whoever can tell me what an unchin is? Is it when people have really weak chins that shouldn't be considered chins, more like a neck tumor that never quite metastasized? Tell me if I'm right! And I will make you a brownie! For realz, yo.)



Obsession #6: The Yiddish language. I'm teaching myself Yiddish as just a shits and giggles kind of thing, but with deeper psychological reasons that I will have you all wondering about. I just love this language. It's literally six languages in one. It's got a little bit of everything. And I can guarantee that every single one of you uses Yiddish words every day. Examples: klutz - Yiddish; bagel - Yiddish; beatnik - partially Yiddish; schlep - Yiddish; schmuck - so Yiddish it hurts. See where I'm going? Besides, now I can call people mamzer, miskayt, arumloyfer, khazer, dumkopf, eyzel, and Ekeldikerparshoyn. Those are just some of my favorites. Mamzer means bastard. Teheheheeeee.



Obsession #7: This cocoa butter oil that I just bought. It smells really good, sort of like vanilla, and I use it in lieu of lotion. It makes me feel supermegafoxyawesomehot. And it smells like vanilla!



Obsession #8: Divergent, by Veronica Roth. I just finished reading it today, and honestly I'm stoked for her to write a sequel. It is a dystopian future novel and it's really good.





Obsession #9: Bo Burnham. I know, I know, y'all already know that I love Bo Burnham. But I found this one video of him. It's amazing... watch it. I laughed so hard. Honestly, he is one of the best comedians of my generation (even if he is about five years older than me, he is still in my generation. I can proudly say I was born before the iPod. And HD. And DVDs. Holy shit, I feel old.) and his career is so promising. He really reminds me of Demetri Martin. They both use a kind of humor called paraprosdokians. Here is a link to the wiki page, I don't feel like going into obsessive detail. (Haha, obsessive. This is ironic, because this whole post is about my current obsessions. Teheee) Basically, a paraprosdokian is the kind of sentence where you think it is going one way, but then at the end, something is said that changes the whole meaning of the sentence. Example - "I believe in the Zodiac. I'm a Leo; I love Titanic. There's something a little bit morbidly ironic, see my grandmother was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab." Weren't expecting that, were you? That's a paraprosdokian. But seriously, look up Demetri Martin. He's quietly hilarious. Seriously.




Obsession #10: I thought I'd end on an even number, due to my fear of odd numbers, which is known as Fear of Odd Numbers, which isn't cool or anything, but it does bring me to my final obsession. The names of fears. Example - Long Words; hippomonstrososesquipedaliaphobia. Palindromes; aibohphobia. Beards; pogonophobia. Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of Your Mouth; arachibutyrophobia. Garlic; alliumphobia. Dancing; chorophobia. Walloons; walloonphobia. Just one question - What is a walloon?




So yeah, there are my obsession as of late. I hope that it was as disappointing as it should have been. I wish that I had cool obsessions but I don't. I get obsessed with mango popsicles and the names of fears. I don't know what an unchin or a walloon is. But I am still obsessed with them. What are you all obsessed with? Tell me! I vant to know!!!!



Parting joke:

"This summer I was at a pool party and I learned that there is a very small but very important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION."

-Demetri Martin.


I have to go, but I love you all. Big sopping kisses to everyone!