Random Thoughts From My Random Mind...Enjoy Sparingly With Cheese

None of this is real.  Not your shoes.  Not your face.  Not your fake IQ.  We are all in the dream of some great strange sneeze beast somewhere in the universe.  So go be absolutely crazy.

Ball sack is becoming my swearword of choice.  I don't know why.  I say balls when I'm in the company of others, but when I'm alone.  It's just all about the ball sack.  Why, I'll never really know.

I love the word orugulous.  It means prideful.  It was my word of the day today.  And I just spell checked it, and apparently orugulous is too awesome for blogger.  I've beaten the Internets.  Can I get a what what?  (off in the distance)  WHAT WHAT?!

I find out what musical my high school is doing this year tomorrow.  I'm quite excited, but at the same time I'm a bit, I don't know, eh.  I know what part I'll be getting.  Ensemble.  Again.  Just like last year.  And the year before that.  And the year before that.  But I'm totally okay with that, because I get to hang out with cool people and do just about nothing two days after school until February, and then suddenly it all comes together in a pillar of awesome and it is really good.  Just a dead good job, you know what I mean?

I got an 84 on my latest Algebra II test!  I feel like I beat the system.  My friend got a one hundred.  How she did, I've no idea.  I'm just pleased I passed.  I basically failed the first test.  It was a 65, which is a D.  But it is still a D, and a D is unacceptable.  Neither is an 84, really, in my mind, but that is going to change.  I'm getting As in math this year, you guys.  It is going to happen.  My grandfather was a freaking mathematician and an engineer.  Some of that smartness must have trickled down, right?!  RIGHT?!!!!!

This whole post is a lie.  Your face is a lie.  Your dog is a lie.  Your non-existent dog is a lie.  Your pet rock is a lie.  THE CAKE IS A LIE.

My head is doing loads better, for any of you who care.  The headaches are getting super manageable, which is dead brilliant, and I'm really excited to be able to say that I'm normal.  Two days ago, though, I went to the dentist to get a filling (my first one, ever.  I'm such a fail at dental hygiene.) and they stabbed me twice with needles and I didn't enjoy that.  My face hurt so much that I had to take ibuprofen.  And if that wasn't the stupidest thing I've ever done, ever.  Yesterday, I had a headache for twelve hours.  TWELVE HOURS.  I HAD A HEADACHE FOR HALF A DAY.  I'm feeling a lot better today, but now I know how my body reacts to ibuprofen (e.g. BADLY) so I'm never going to take any, ever again.  And I should be all the better for it.

I am currently obsessed with hats.  I'm growing my hair out, since it is really short and I miss doing it and stuff, but it is getting into that awkward stage where I always have to where a hat because it is just really weird looking.  So I'm knitting a hat and I have all of these cool ones and I'm very excited.

Fun fact of the day:  Whenever I type a blog to you's guys, when I'm hearing the words in my head, I hear them in an English/Scottish/Irish accent (it all depends on my mood.).  The voice in my head speaks with a British accent.  I'm just that cool.  Or mad.  I guess it depends on your view of things.

This blog was a lot longer than I intended it to be.  So, I guess that's good, yeah?

Brilliant!

Parting joke:

Why does Cinderella suck at sports?

Because she's always running away from the ball!

HAHAHA GOOD CLEAN HUMOR!!!!

Love and kisses,

L.

P.S. Guess who has twenty followers?  I HAVE TWENTY FOLLOWERS!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!!! I LOVE ALL OF YOU TO PIECES, I REALLY DO!!!!

Extra-special love and kisses

L.

I Was Just Checking My Stats...

...And I decided, hey, for shits and giggles, I would look at my all time statistics.


I nearly fell out of my chair.


I don't know if the falling was out of shock, awe, or my general lack of being able to balance my body to the point where I flop about like a newborn and require someone or something to support my head at all times lest I cause some brain damage or something.


Anyway, guess which post has the most views of all time, at SEVEN FREAKING HUNDRED PAGE VIEWS???


The Top Ten Guys I Would Screw, No Questions Asked!

Is that all I am to you guys? Just a random top ten guys, who admittedly are hot, but is that all I am????

Tears.

Maybe it was the fact that I had so many pictures, and a ton of labels. Hmaybe.

Oh, and for those of you wondering, my next highest viewed post was Thoughts, which was a post literally dedicated to my obsession with one-liners.

It had 17 views.

HOLY MOTHER OF FREAKING PEARL, YOU GUYS!!!!!

Anyway, now that that is off my chest, I feel like to up my viewings, I should do another top ten list of guys.

Crazy thought, brain, what was that post that you were working on but have yet to finish because you are a lazy little buttmunch who decided to literally do nothing all day today?

Oh, yeah. My Favorite Celebrity Faces.

It's like my subconscious is trying to tell me something subconsciously you guys.

OOoooooOOOOoooooOOOOO. *to be said in a freaky voice OOOoooOOO*

I need to go to bed. My brain cannot handle life right now.

Goodbye cruel world. Sleep is the only solace for my solipsism. I highly doubt that last sentence made any sense.

Parting joke:

What's a shark's favorite drug?

Reefer!

I need psychiatric help.

Big, sopping wet kisses to all ya fooligans!

Nighty Night,

L.

If You Fit These Requirements, Find Me Right Away And Propose Marriage

Confession time: I've only had one boyfriend. And it was in sixth grade and it only lasted the time it takes to walk in between classes, so I don't think that it counts. Also, I'm in the Never Been Kissed Club. In fact, I'm the Chairman. Chairwoman. Chairgirl. Whatever, you get my point.

Anyway, my solidarity has not been forcibly thrust upon me, but there are a few reasons why I am not shackled in a doomed relationship at the current date and time. One of the reasons is that the town I live in is so obscenely small and I've known all of the boys in it for far too long. They all have an idea of who I am - a very intelligent smart ass (I never said that they were wrong!) - and they really don't feel like trying to get to know me any better. Pity for them.

I am A-OK with this. I wouldn't want to date any of the guys I know anyway. My two closest guy friends are insane. One is a cat-worshipping atheist with an IQ so high I wonder why he meows all the time, and the other is an amazing track star who has issues with touching and expressing emotions.

I wish that I could make stuff like this up.

I really do.

Another reason why I am not dating a male of this species is that I feel that I, as a person, am so not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. Seriously. I have the emotional range of a spoon. Less than that. I have the emotional range of the spork, the sterile offspring of the fork and the spoon. My friends all are very interested in boys, and while I do agree that they are often nice to look at and talk to, I don't feel the deep seated need to prove myself as an adequate female by dating. All that can wait until college. Besides, high school guys are soooo passe. I kid. Not really.

A final reason is that I am quite an adept story teller.

Why is this important, you wonder, scratching your heads and sipping your tea thoughtfully.

I'll tell you - As a story teller, writer, future millionaire, what have you, I create characters. Lots and lots of characters. And quite a few of these characters are boys.

Catch my drift?

I have, in my head, created my perfect man. Boy. Person. Shut up brain, they all get the point.

So, without further ado, here is my list of requirements for the perfect man. Or my perfect man. Screw it, this is what I find attractive.

JENNELLE'S LIST OF ATTRACTIVE ATTRIBUTES FOR MALES OF THE HUMAN SPECIES

1. Height - height is a necessity. I cannot marry a short guy. I'm 5 feet, 1 inch flat. I will not have midget children. We all saw what happened to Snooki. Although, if I did have midget children, I would pressure them into becoming actors and actresses, because the movie industry always needs their midgets. I'm already a horrible parent. Teehee.

2. Accents - Of any way, shape, or form. I love all accents. Especially British ones. Yummy scrumboes. Just pretend to have an accent and you will have me falling into a pile of girlish jello on the ground, giggling like a girlish pile of jello that is a homicidal maniac.

3. Religion - I know that this sounds weird, but since I'm Jewish, I kind of want to marry someone Christian, or some other religion. My mum is a lapsed Irish Catholic, and my dad is a non-practicing Reform Jew. What does that make me? A Jew who celebrates Christmas and Easter, along with Hanukkah and Passover. I feel more culturally attached to Judaism, and consider myself Jewish, but I want my kids to have the multi-religious celebrations in their life. I think that you find a greater appreciation for all things when you see all of the sides of the dice. So religion is important. And I won't be able to marry anyone who doesn't let me teach my children about what I believe in. Shit just got real, right? Next one's vapid.

4. Marginally More Attractive Than I Am - That way, when people see me with him, especially women, they will look at me and go "Lucky BITCH!!!" But I don't want him to be so much more attractive than me that when people look at me and him they go "Why the hell is that poor sucker with that night troll?" I do have standards for myself.

5. No Mental Illnesses - Seriously, homicidal maniacs are good for a laugh and all, and multiple personality disorderlies are just full of shits and giggles, and schizos are just a barrel of monkeys, but there is a point where you have to draw the line and be like "WHOA, you just stabbed the couch and told it that if it tried to make a move on me you would kill its family. I'm going."

6. Muscles Are Appreciated, But Not A Necessity - I do like muscles as much as the next girl, but honestly they aren't necessary. It's the 21st century. If we were back in the days of the CroMagnon, then yes, I'd like a guy with muscles to protect me with from all of the woolly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers roaming around outside of our cave. But, like I said, it's the 21st century. The only thing my guy would have to protect me from is the yappy chihuahua that lives down the street. But a six pack is nice.

7. Has To Like Rock Music - This is a necessity. I love rock music. I live on rock music. When I was little, my dad introduced me to the Beatles in chronological order. I am a music nerd. So my theoretical guy must like music. All music. Except country music. Country music can burn in HELL.

8. Cannot Make Fun Of My Love Of Musical Theater - And should preferably be into acting himself. Example: Joey Richter (Ron in A Very Potter Musical).

9. Has To Be A Literature Geek - The answer to life is 42. Deep Thought told me that. I woke up one morning and found that I couldn't open the door because the doorknob made me feel sick and empty on the inside. If you're going to leave Verona, take a phone with you and text me your plans. I wouldn't want you to die on me. I will never grow up. I will fight that stupid hooked man until I die, but I never will, so HAHAHA I crow! It is common knowledge that a lit geek in want of another lit geek should find one eventually. If you got any of that, you are my love.

10. Has To Be Musical - I know that that is a lot to ask, but a guy gets exponentially hotter to me if he can play an instrument. Seriously.

11. GEEKY - This has to happen. I want one of those awesome nerdy relationships where we meet at ComiCon and end up having a wedding cake that is a chimera of PacMan and Star Wars. I want him to say "I love you" first, so I can say "I know", like Leia did to Han in The Return of the Jedi. I need this guy to be OK with consoling me when I cry inconsolably at Toy Story and Finding Nemo. I need this guy to be OK with me laughing at Saw, which I found so horribly overdone and fake. I need this guy to have debates with me over who Buffy was better with, Spike or Angel (it was Spike, the way. Forever and ever. "I love you." "No you don't. But thanks for saying it." I cried so hard.) (If you got what I was talking about there, I love you.). I need this guy to be okay when I leave him for David Tennant.

12. Movie Buff - "Oh Captain, my Captain." "Such obscene gestures from such a pristine girl." "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." "You bob for apples in the toilet, and you like it!" "There is no try, only do." "Do you remember that time we dipped you in tar and stuck you to the back of an angry water buffalo?" "'Where are my pants?' 'They're in my hope chest!'" "Lighten up, Francis." "I would rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without ever knowing you." "Seriously, don't call me Shirley." If you know what movies any of the quotes above are from, I love you forever.

13. Must Have Heaping Portions Of Sarcasm And Witticisms To Spare - I pride myself on sometimes having an acerbic wit, and I would like whoever I end up shacking up with to at least be on the same level as me. In other words, my dream guy must be incredibly quick-witted. I love good verbal foreplay.

14. Black Hair, Blue Eyes - I don't know what it is, but something about this combination is just really sexy to me. I also want blue eyed kids, and I know for a fact that I carry a recessive blue-eye allele.

15. Disregard Everything Above - For the most part. I do like certain things (science fiction TV shows from Britain, movies, Rock music, being sarcastic) but honestly, I don't care about any of it. So long as a guy is respectful, treats me right, and feels the same way about me that I feel about him, I could give a flying fuck about anything else. I am a hopeless romantic under all of these onion-y layers of poisonous wit and sarcastic barbs. I may seem cynical but underneath it all I really am just a wide eyed little kid who has no idea about love or anything that resembles it. I kind of just bared my soul there, so don't laugh. Or I will kill you and hide your body in the bog in my backyard, and in 2000 years it will be found, perfectly preserved, with the words "Hello From The Past" legible on your back where I wrote it in indelible ink. I'm not creepy at all.

Yeah, so that was my extremely long, involved list that ultimately didn't mean anything at all. I hope you enjoyed reading it. I certainly had fun creating it. (I lie; I spent hours slaving over it, quietly crying into my pillow as I agonized over the right words.) (I lie; it took me about an hour and I didn't proofread, so no hating on my spelling mishaps.)

So, um...

I hate ending posts.

Parting joke:

What do you call a sick alligator?

An illigator!

I know, I know, so lame. I collect lame jokes as a hobby. No judging.

Big sopping kisses to you all.

I Just Got Challenged

Alright That Blond Guy, I have what it takes.

Disclaimer: I don't do surveys. Like ever. Not even those stupid ones in magazines that tell you whether or not your boyfriend is cheating on you. Or if you have ovarian cancer. Or if aliens implanted a tracking device under your armpit shaped like a penis.

I just don't do them.

So here goes.

Name?

L.

Is your name on Blogger your name in real life? If not, what letter does your real name start with?

Well, for starters, the letter L. isn't exactly a name, and anyone who thought so is a dumbshit. So no, my Blogger name is not my name in real life. Duh. I've said my name before. It's Jennelle. Impossible to spell, which just makes me awesome.

Astrological Sign?

Your mom. Well, no not really. Unless your mom is a giant scorpion. If she is, I feel for you. If she isn't, then my astrological sign is Scorpio.

If there was a huge "Blogspot-Get-Together" where all bloggers were meant to come together and meet in real life, would you go?

Um, I think so? I don't know how to answer this question. Well, yes. Yes I would. I would want to intimidate you all into submission and build a civilization upon your backbreaking labour, and then rule it with an iron fist while laughing maniacally. And if the way to achieving that is coming out of my room and into the world like a baby exiting upstage the uterus, then sure. Plus, I think it would be cool to meet all y'all in person.

Have you ever rejected someone?
No. I'm too desperate to reject anyone. Besides. No one asked.

If so, was it harshly?

No. Because I've never rejected anyone. God, this isn't applicable to me!!!! Why didn't the question before say, 'If yes, proceed to the next question. If no, skip down a few and save valuable minutes of your life. And then go spend those minutes eating chocolate ice cream until you puke a cow.' Wasted minutes of my life. Damn.

Did they cry?

I'm not even stooping low enough to answer that.

Have you ever tried a cigarette?

Well, here's the story. My mom and dad used to smoke when I was really little. They quit when I was about two. And now, my mother has told me on many an occasion that if she ever catches me with a cigarette, she will break my fingers. I rather like my fingers the way they are, and I hate tempting fate, because I know that Fate hates me, and likes to see me fall on my ass. Besides, cigarette smoke makes me cough.

Have you ever been high? If so, on what?

No. And I don't really plan on it. I think that I'm whacked out enough when I'm not on drugs, so I really don't need the added influence of something designed to make you freaky-deaky wackadoo. Besides, I always say: For happy people, life's a drug. No I don't always say that, but yes, I claim that as a bonafide, one hundred percent kosher Jennelle quote. Straight from my mouth to the hearts of many.

What are six things you find attractive when in the opposite gender?

Hmmmmm

Aleph.) A penis (you said the opposite gender!) (P.S. That Blond Guy, do I get two cookies if I fit penis in twice?)

Bet.) Taller than I am. This isn't something I find attractive. This is a necessity. If a guy is any shorter than me that means that this guy is a legal midget. I'm 5'1''. In layman's terms, I AM REALLY FREAKING SHORT!

Gimel.) A sense of humor. Any funny guy is hot in my book. Unless they're ugly.

Daled.) Muscles. I know that that is so shallow and you should love someone about what is on the inside, but it doesn't hurt if they have a nice outside too!

Hei.) Dark hair and blue eyes. I don't know why, but I find this combo super, uber-attractive. I love blue eyes. I want blue eyes. Alas, I have hazel. Which are cool too. But they aren't blue.

Vav.) A guy has to be well read. If I can talk to a guy about Bulgakov's Heart of a Dog or Sartre's Nausea, my life would be made.

Zayin.) I'm adding a seventh because this is a necessity. I have to rebel against the system. Read the following joke. If you laughed, you are my love. "Two atoms were walking down the street when one of them stops and goes 'Damnit, I dropped an electron!' The other one says 'Are you sure?' And the first one says 'I'm positive!'"

What are five things you find extremely unattractive in the opposite gender?

Uno.) Being a tool. I know far too many tools. They make me angry. Or being racist. I can't stand racists.

Dos.) I know that this sounds horrible, but speech impediments turn me off. I can't imagine getting hot and heavy with a guy and him saying 'I want to be inthide you.'

Tres.) Idiocy. If you aren't smart enough to keep up with me, don't even try.

Cuatro.) Bodily odors. The bad kind. If a guy sweats and smells like roses, that's okay. But I don't happen to know any guys who sweat rose oil.

Cinco.) Guys who are abusive. That is just evil, and I don't even believe in Hell but I know that is where they are going.

Answer only if you have a sibling: If your sibling wasn't your sibling, do you think that you'd ever find him/her attractive and go out with him/her?

Oh yeah, totally! I am so joking - this crossing so many boundaries that just shouldn't be crossed. That is insect. I mean incest. Gross to the power of ten to the one hundredth.

Would you ever eat a caterpillar?

I already have? I was little. It was kind of squishy, but not that bad.

If yes, why?

I ALREADY ATE ONE, DAMNIT!!!!

If no, why?

Well, it's too late to go back and un-eat a caterpillar. So shut face, survey.

Would you rather kiss a random stranger on the street of the opposite gender or tickle a random stranger on the street of the opposite gender?

Would I get to choose? Because if it's a hobo, then I'd kiss him, just to make his day. If it's hot guy I'd kiss him well, just because. And if it was David Tennant, I would ask him if I could go in the TARDIS with him.

Would you rather throw up or fart on stage?

Would it be a loud, echoey fart? Or the quiet, ladylike kind? Because I have puked on stage, and that is just no fun.

Would you ever sneak out of the house at night?

And go where? I live in East Buttfuck Nowhere, Massachusetts. We have seven pizza places and a Dunkin Donuts. And that is it. I don't get high, so what's the point? Besides, my house has free food and internet. Why would I ever want to leave?

Do you think this survey was weird?

No not really. I have nothing to compare it to.

Did you find it enjoyable?

Yes, just about as enjoyable as ripping off my own pupillary sphincter. I put it right up there next to getting fingered by Wolverine and finals week at school. Time of my life.

I forget exactly how the next question was worded, but it had something to do with tagging five people.

I'm not going to tag five, because I'm not that annoying person who always forwards the text or email. Besides, I don't know that many bloggers, so I'm going to stick with three. Do the survey if you wish. But the gnomes will eat you if you don't. You've been warned. Whimsy from Whimsyville, Noah Brown from Brown's Eye, and Eeshie from I Don't Skinny Dip, I Chunky Dunk. Please make me feel cool and mention not thinking about doing the survey. Or do it. If you do, I will make you oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, which are my specialty. Or brownies, which are also my specialty.

Anyway, that was an enjoyable way to procrastinate my way through not doing my laundry, but I'm out of clean knickers, and I really do need those, so I'm going to bid you all adieu. So adieu.

Parting Joke:

(I just went to a Science and Technology lecture, so this is the product of that!)

How many computer scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Um, none. That's a hardware problem.

Penis.

(That's three!!!)