Quote of the Week

Take a shower, shine your shoes/ You got no time to lose/ You are young men you must be living/ So go now you are forgiven.
-The General, Dispatch

Friday, June 3, 2011

If You Fit These Requirements, Find Me Right Away And Propose Marriage

Confession time: I've only had one boyfriend. And it was in sixth grade and it only lasted the time it takes to walk in between classes, so I don't think that it counts. Also, I'm in the Never Been Kissed Club. In fact, I'm the Chairman. Chairwoman. Chairgirl. Whatever, you get my point.

Anyway, my solidarity has not been forcibly thrust upon me, but there are a few reasons why I am not shackled in a doomed relationship at the current date and time. One of the reasons is that the town I live in is so obscenely small and I've known all of the boys in it for far too long. They all have an idea of who I am - a very intelligent smart ass (I never said that they were wrong!) - and they really don't feel like trying to get to know me any better. Pity for them.

I am A-OK with this. I wouldn't want to date any of the guys I know anyway. My two closest guy friends are insane. One is a cat-worshipping atheist with an IQ so high I wonder why he meows all the time, and the other is an amazing track star who has issues with touching and expressing emotions.

I wish that I could make stuff like this up.

I really do.

Another reason why I am not dating a male of this species is that I feel that I, as a person, am so not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. Seriously. I have the emotional range of a spoon. Less than that. I have the emotional range of the spork, the sterile offspring of the fork and the spoon. My friends all are very interested in boys, and while I do agree that they are often nice to look at and talk to, I don't feel the deep seated need to prove myself as an adequate female by dating. All that can wait until college. Besides, high school guys are soooo passe. I kid. Not really.

A final reason is that I am quite an adept story teller.

Why is this important, you wonder, scratching your heads and sipping your tea thoughtfully.

I'll tell you - As a story teller, writer, future millionaire, what have you, I create characters. Lots and lots of characters. And quite a few of these characters are boys.

Catch my drift?

I have, in my head, created my perfect man. Boy. Person. Shut up brain, they all get the point.

So, without further ado, here is my list of requirements for the perfect man. Or my perfect man. Screw it, this is what I find attractive.


1. Height - height is a necessity. I cannot marry a short guy. I'm 5 feet, 1 inch flat. I will not have midget children. We all saw what happened to Snooki. Although, if I did have midget children, I would pressure them into becoming actors and actresses, because the movie industry always needs their midgets. I'm already a horrible parent. Teehee.

2. Accents - Of any way, shape, or form. I love all accents. Especially British ones. Yummy scrumboes. Just pretend to have an accent and you will have me falling into a pile of girlish jello on the ground, giggling like a girlish pile of jello that is a homicidal maniac.

3. Religion - I know that this sounds weird, but since I'm Jewish, I kind of want to marry someone Christian, or some other religion. My mum is a lapsed Irish Catholic, and my dad is a non-practicing Reform Jew. What does that make me? A Jew who celebrates Christmas and Easter, along with Hanukkah and Passover. I feel more culturally attached to Judaism, and consider myself Jewish, but I want my kids to have the multi-religious celebrations in their life. I think that you find a greater appreciation for all things when you see all of the sides of the dice. So religion is important. And I won't be able to marry anyone who doesn't let me teach my children about what I believe in. Shit just got real, right? Next one's vapid.

4. Marginally More Attractive Than I Am - That way, when people see me with him, especially women, they will look at me and go "Lucky BITCH!!!" But I don't want him to be so much more attractive than me that when people look at me and him they go "Why the hell is that poor sucker with that night troll?" I do have standards for myself.

5. No Mental Illnesses - Seriously, homicidal maniacs are good for a laugh and all, and multiple personality disorderlies are just full of shits and giggles, and schizos are just a barrel of monkeys, but there is a point where you have to draw the line and be like "WHOA, you just stabbed the couch and told it that if it tried to make a move on me you would kill its family. I'm going."

6. Muscles Are Appreciated, But Not A Necessity - I do like muscles as much as the next girl, but honestly they aren't necessary. It's the 21st century. If we were back in the days of the CroMagnon, then yes, I'd like a guy with muscles to protect me with from all of the woolly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers roaming around outside of our cave. But, like I said, it's the 21st century. The only thing my guy would have to protect me from is the yappy chihuahua that lives down the street. But a six pack is nice.

7. Has To Like Rock Music - This is a necessity. I love rock music. I live on rock music. When I was little, my dad introduced me to the Beatles in chronological order. I am a music nerd. So my theoretical guy must like music. All music. Except country music. Country music can burn in HELL.

8. Cannot Make Fun Of My Love Of Musical Theater - And should preferably be into acting himself. Example: Joey Richter (Ron in A Very Potter Musical).

9. Has To Be A Literature Geek - The answer to life is 42. Deep Thought told me that. I woke up one morning and found that I couldn't open the door because the doorknob made me feel sick and empty on the inside. If you're going to leave Verona, take a phone with you and text me your plans. I wouldn't want you to die on me. I will never grow up. I will fight that stupid hooked man until I die, but I never will, so HAHAHA I crow! It is common knowledge that a lit geek in want of another lit geek should find one eventually. If you got any of that, you are my love.

10. Has To Be Musical - I know that that is a lot to ask, but a guy gets exponentially hotter to me if he can play an instrument. Seriously.

11. GEEKY - This has to happen. I want one of those awesome nerdy relationships where we meet at ComiCon and end up having a wedding cake that is a chimera of PacMan and Star Wars. I want him to say "I love you" first, so I can say "I know", like Leia did to Han in The Return of the Jedi. I need this guy to be OK with consoling me when I cry inconsolably at Toy Story and Finding Nemo. I need this guy to be OK with me laughing at Saw, which I found so horribly overdone and fake. I need this guy to have debates with me over who Buffy was better with, Spike or Angel (it was Spike, the way. Forever and ever. "I love you." "No you don't. But thanks for saying it." I cried so hard.) (If you got what I was talking about there, I love you.). I need this guy to be okay when I leave him for David Tennant.

12. Movie Buff - "Oh Captain, my Captain." "Such obscene gestures from such a pristine girl." "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." "You bob for apples in the toilet, and you like it!" "There is no try, only do." "Do you remember that time we dipped you in tar and stuck you to the back of an angry water buffalo?" "'Where are my pants?' 'They're in my hope chest!'" "Lighten up, Francis." "I would rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without ever knowing you." "Seriously, don't call me Shirley." If you know what movies any of the quotes above are from, I love you forever.

13. Must Have Heaping Portions Of Sarcasm And Witticisms To Spare - I pride myself on sometimes having an acerbic wit, and I would like whoever I end up shacking up with to at least be on the same level as me. In other words, my dream guy must be incredibly quick-witted. I love good verbal foreplay.

14. Black Hair, Blue Eyes - I don't know what it is, but something about this combination is just really sexy to me. I also want blue eyed kids, and I know for a fact that I carry a recessive blue-eye allele.

15. Disregard Everything Above - For the most part. I do like certain things (science fiction TV shows from Britain, movies, Rock music, being sarcastic) but honestly, I don't care about any of it. So long as a guy is respectful, treats me right, and feels the same way about me that I feel about him, I could give a flying fuck about anything else. I am a hopeless romantic under all of these onion-y layers of poisonous wit and sarcastic barbs. I may seem cynical but underneath it all I really am just a wide eyed little kid who has no idea about love or anything that resembles it. I kind of just bared my soul there, so don't laugh. Or I will kill you and hide your body in the bog in my backyard, and in 2000 years it will be found, perfectly preserved, with the words "Hello From The Past" legible on your back where I wrote it in indelible ink. I'm not creepy at all.

Yeah, so that was my extremely long, involved list that ultimately didn't mean anything at all. I hope you enjoyed reading it. I certainly had fun creating it. (I lie; I spent hours slaving over it, quietly crying into my pillow as I agonized over the right words.) (I lie; it took me about an hour and I didn't proofread, so no hating on my spelling mishaps.)

So, um...

I hate ending posts.

Parting joke:

What do you call a sick alligator?

An illigator!

I know, I know, so lame. I collect lame jokes as a hobby. No judging.

Big sopping kisses to you all.

1 comment:

  1. You love me and you don't even know it, brilliant.


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