HEYO WHAT IS THIS!!!!

Being the kind of kid who doesn't really like doing homework at normal times, it is 9:30 on Sunday and I've not done a drop.  Hoo-freaking-ray.  Anyfloozle, I thought I'd share a milestone with all y'all.

*drum roll please*

.........

I HAVE FIFTY FOLLOWERS!!!!

WHAT UP YO!!!

My blog's first birthday is around the corner and I have fifty followers.  If I've accomplished anything this year, I'd say this was pretty good.  So thank you to everyone who reads this twaddle and thanks to all of my bloggy-type mates.  I luff you all to pieces.

God, I'm sentimental.

Thank you oh so very much.  It means more than you think it does to have people who will read this and say 'Hey that wasn't too bad.'  I fully expect all of you to buy my book if it ever gets published.  I'm watching you *glares at you over the internet*

Just kidding (NOT REALLY MUAHAHAHA)

God.  I love you all and stuff.  Put caramel on top of this love sundae and I'm omnomnom it on down.

Okay, I'm done wittering on about absolutely nothing.

FIN.

Parting Joke:

My grandmother is a Cancer, which is ironic because she was actually killed by a giant crab.

Geddit?

Love and kisses,

Jen

Harry Potter Pick Up Lines

I know that most of you are Pals of Potter, and are rabid avid members of the DA, so when I found these, I felt I needed to share them with you.  No special occasion, just the mutual love of Potter.

If you don't like Harry Potter, GET THE FUCK OUT.  Not really, I love you, but, you might not get it.  And that wouldn't be any fun.

ARE YOU READY?  HERE WE GO THEN!

Harry Potter Pick Up Lines: Guaranteed To Work Better Than Amortentia!

You must be a Triwizard Champion because my goblet is on fire!

I'd like to get my basilisk into your Chamber of Secrets!

Have you heard of Platform 9 3/4?  Well, I can think of something else with the same exact measurements!

I've been whomping my willow thinking about you!

Did you just use Petrificus Totalus?  Because you just made me stiff!

I may not be an animagus, but I can sure be an animal!

My name may not be Luna, but I sure do know how to love good!

You don't need Lumos Maxima to turn me on!

If I was to look into the Mirror of Erised, I would see you, naked!

Do you play quidditch?  How about taking a ride on my broomstick?

The thought of you makes something vast and silvery come out of my wand...

Why don't I make like Salazar and Slytherin side of you?  (Say it.  It makes sense aloud.)

You don't need Engorgio to enlarge this!

Call me your house elf and I'll do whatever you want without any clothes...

A couple of nights with me and Moaning Myrtle will have to get a new nickname!

Wingardium Leviosa isn't the reason why I'm rising!

You're like a bottle of Skele-Gro, growing me a bone!

And my personal favorite...

I don't know a thing about Merlin's Pants, but I'd love to get into yours!

***********

So there you have it.  I guarantee that these will always, sometimes, occasionally, on alternate Thursdays, you won't get a restraining order, I promise work.

Enjoy!

Parting joke:

Your face.

Oh yes, it is joke enough.

Just kidding!

Love and kisses,

L.

I Was Just Checking My Stats...

...And I decided, hey, for shits and giggles, I would look at my all time statistics.


I nearly fell out of my chair.


I don't know if the falling was out of shock, awe, or my general lack of being able to balance my body to the point where I flop about like a newborn and require someone or something to support my head at all times lest I cause some brain damage or something.


Anyway, guess which post has the most views of all time, at SEVEN FREAKING HUNDRED PAGE VIEWS???


The Top Ten Guys I Would Screw, No Questions Asked!

Is that all I am to you guys? Just a random top ten guys, who admittedly are hot, but is that all I am????

Tears.

Maybe it was the fact that I had so many pictures, and a ton of labels. Hmaybe.

Oh, and for those of you wondering, my next highest viewed post was Thoughts, which was a post literally dedicated to my obsession with one-liners.

It had 17 views.

HOLY MOTHER OF FREAKING PEARL, YOU GUYS!!!!!

Anyway, now that that is off my chest, I feel like to up my viewings, I should do another top ten list of guys.

Crazy thought, brain, what was that post that you were working on but have yet to finish because you are a lazy little buttmunch who decided to literally do nothing all day today?

Oh, yeah. My Favorite Celebrity Faces.

It's like my subconscious is trying to tell me something subconsciously you guys.

OOoooooOOOOoooooOOOOO. *to be said in a freaky voice OOOoooOOO*

I need to go to bed. My brain cannot handle life right now.

Goodbye cruel world. Sleep is the only solace for my solipsism. I highly doubt that last sentence made any sense.

Parting joke:

What's a shark's favorite drug?

Reefer!

I need psychiatric help.

Big, sopping wet kisses to all ya fooligans!

Nighty Night,

L.

So Um, The World Is Ending In A Week (?)

Alright, so this one took me as a shock.

I watch a lot of YouTube (aka I'm glued to my computer. You have to surgically remove my fingers from the keys. I am a part of Finn. (Finn is my computer) And Finn is a part of me. Deal with it bitches!) and I follow a lot of YouTubers. I particularly enjoy Nerimon, aka Alex Day, who I've mentioned before. In his latest video, which you can click and watch here, he talks about something called the Rapture, and how this is apparently the end of the world.

The world is ending in one week people. Someone throw a party. We all need to get properly sloshed and go out in style with matching tatoos of the cast of A Very Potter Musical on our backs.

So this is a thing, apparently. It has its own Wikipedia page, so you know that it is legit. I'm sorry I'm linking so much, but this is just super interesting to me. Also, if the world does end in a week, someone fuck me. I don't want to die a virgin. That would suck.

But this is honestly very interesting to me, since I am not a very religious person. I was raised Jewish, I am Bat Mitzvah, and I can speak Yiddish, but really I don't buy into the whole organized religion thing. Example: I haven't been to temple since my Bat Mitzvah. That was four years ago. To me, religion is a much more personal matter, and while I'm not entirely sure I believe in "God" I do believe that there is something out there. Partially because it is nice to think that it is more than just us, partially because it is nice to have reassurance that those you love will one day be reunited with you someway, somehow, because I can't bear the thought of never seeing those I love ever again, and partially because I find it helpful to have someone to blame when shit goes on in this world that defies explanation. There has to be a scapegoat, so blame God!

If any of you who read this are really religious, this post may seem a little blasphemous and shit, and I totally understand if you stop reading or whatever, but this is just what I believe. I'm agnostic. Which basically means I'm a pussy atheist.

In all seriousness though, I am agnostic, I'm not a fan of organized religion, and science makes a whole lot of sense to me. But sometimes you just look at something and you have to say that something greater than us had a hand in it. Science, life, existence can not take credit for all that is beautiful in this world. There is something greater. At least that is what I think.

Anywho, where was I?

Oh right. The Rapture.

Here is the basic picture: Some people believe that the Bible is basically a code for figuring out when certain prophecies will come into fruition. These wackjobs have predicted that the world will end, how shall I put this, A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. Seriously. Why can't we just have one Doomsday prophecy and be done with all of this shit? Reading this wiki, the End of Days has been predicted by numerous different groups no less than SIXTEEN TIMES. It's been different people, but they've all read the Bible, done some math, and came up with different dates. Isaac Newton one of them. He said that the Four Horsemen won't be riding their steeds of Pain and Suffering no time before 2060. This one guy, Harold Camping, has said that the world will end at least twice. Once in 1994. And when that didn't happen, he had to predict it AGAIN, saying that the world will end in 2011. As in, May 21, 2011.

As in, next Saturday.

Alright folks, it's time to sharpen those axes and start collecting ammo, because the Four Horsemen are coming and coming fast. I can hear the whinnies of their ponies. We've exited the valley of the royally screwed and climbed up into the mountains of the totally fucked.

My one qualm with this? If you are going to predict the End of Days so close to 2012, why can't you just hold off and say that the world IS going to end in 2012? Personally, I believe the Mayans. If they could create a calendar that lasted longer than their empire and end it on a year that still strikes fear into the hearts of the masses, I'll believe you over a bunch of Bible huggers who can't get their math straight. And even then, I don't believe in 2012.

Here's how this whole Rapture thing is supposed to go down. On May 21, the world will begin to end. All of the people who believe in God and Jesus or whatever will be saved by the second coming of Christ and taken into Heaven right away. Those who don't get to go the express route to Heaven have to live on Earth for the next five months, where it will literally be Hell on earth, with demons and shit running around wrecking havoc. Where oh where is Buffy when you need her, right? Then in October, the world will officially tap out.

Sounds like a blasty blast.

I'll be sharpening my katanas, since I'm sure as shit not going to Heaven the express route. Hell, I don't even believe in Heaven. Jews don't. We believe that when the Messiah comes (and it isn't Jesus) that all of our dead will rise again and the Messiah will take us to the promised land. I think. I don't really know the whole score. I do know that Jews don't get cremated for that reason though. That's why it's cool to be a Jew. You become a zombie! JEWS FTW!

So whether you believe in it or not, the end is coming. I can't wait to see what happens.

See you on the battle field.

Parting joke:

What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips...

(I laughed so hard at this one. I love making racist jokes towards myself. Besides, Jew jokes are fucking hilarious!)

Have a great last week on Earth everybody!

L. out, bitches.

I Just Got Challenged

Alright That Blond Guy, I have what it takes.

Disclaimer: I don't do surveys. Like ever. Not even those stupid ones in magazines that tell you whether or not your boyfriend is cheating on you. Or if you have ovarian cancer. Or if aliens implanted a tracking device under your armpit shaped like a penis.

I just don't do them.

So here goes.

Name?

L.

Is your name on Blogger your name in real life? If not, what letter does your real name start with?

Well, for starters, the letter L. isn't exactly a name, and anyone who thought so is a dumbshit. So no, my Blogger name is not my name in real life. Duh. I've said my name before. It's Jennelle. Impossible to spell, which just makes me awesome.

Astrological Sign?

Your mom. Well, no not really. Unless your mom is a giant scorpion. If she is, I feel for you. If she isn't, then my astrological sign is Scorpio.

If there was a huge "Blogspot-Get-Together" where all bloggers were meant to come together and meet in real life, would you go?

Um, I think so? I don't know how to answer this question. Well, yes. Yes I would. I would want to intimidate you all into submission and build a civilization upon your backbreaking labour, and then rule it with an iron fist while laughing maniacally. And if the way to achieving that is coming out of my room and into the world like a baby exiting upstage the uterus, then sure. Plus, I think it would be cool to meet all y'all in person.

Have you ever rejected someone?
No. I'm too desperate to reject anyone. Besides. No one asked.

If so, was it harshly?

No. Because I've never rejected anyone. God, this isn't applicable to me!!!! Why didn't the question before say, 'If yes, proceed to the next question. If no, skip down a few and save valuable minutes of your life. And then go spend those minutes eating chocolate ice cream until you puke a cow.' Wasted minutes of my life. Damn.

Did they cry?

I'm not even stooping low enough to answer that.

Have you ever tried a cigarette?

Well, here's the story. My mom and dad used to smoke when I was really little. They quit when I was about two. And now, my mother has told me on many an occasion that if she ever catches me with a cigarette, she will break my fingers. I rather like my fingers the way they are, and I hate tempting fate, because I know that Fate hates me, and likes to see me fall on my ass. Besides, cigarette smoke makes me cough.

Have you ever been high? If so, on what?

No. And I don't really plan on it. I think that I'm whacked out enough when I'm not on drugs, so I really don't need the added influence of something designed to make you freaky-deaky wackadoo. Besides, I always say: For happy people, life's a drug. No I don't always say that, but yes, I claim that as a bonafide, one hundred percent kosher Jennelle quote. Straight from my mouth to the hearts of many.

What are six things you find attractive when in the opposite gender?

Hmmmmm

Aleph.) A penis (you said the opposite gender!) (P.S. That Blond Guy, do I get two cookies if I fit penis in twice?)

Bet.) Taller than I am. This isn't something I find attractive. This is a necessity. If a guy is any shorter than me that means that this guy is a legal midget. I'm 5'1''. In layman's terms, I AM REALLY FREAKING SHORT!

Gimel.) A sense of humor. Any funny guy is hot in my book. Unless they're ugly.

Daled.) Muscles. I know that that is so shallow and you should love someone about what is on the inside, but it doesn't hurt if they have a nice outside too!

Hei.) Dark hair and blue eyes. I don't know why, but I find this combo super, uber-attractive. I love blue eyes. I want blue eyes. Alas, I have hazel. Which are cool too. But they aren't blue.

Vav.) A guy has to be well read. If I can talk to a guy about Bulgakov's Heart of a Dog or Sartre's Nausea, my life would be made.

Zayin.) I'm adding a seventh because this is a necessity. I have to rebel against the system. Read the following joke. If you laughed, you are my love. "Two atoms were walking down the street when one of them stops and goes 'Damnit, I dropped an electron!' The other one says 'Are you sure?' And the first one says 'I'm positive!'"

What are five things you find extremely unattractive in the opposite gender?

Uno.) Being a tool. I know far too many tools. They make me angry. Or being racist. I can't stand racists.

Dos.) I know that this sounds horrible, but speech impediments turn me off. I can't imagine getting hot and heavy with a guy and him saying 'I want to be inthide you.'

Tres.) Idiocy. If you aren't smart enough to keep up with me, don't even try.

Cuatro.) Bodily odors. The bad kind. If a guy sweats and smells like roses, that's okay. But I don't happen to know any guys who sweat rose oil.

Cinco.) Guys who are abusive. That is just evil, and I don't even believe in Hell but I know that is where they are going.

Answer only if you have a sibling: If your sibling wasn't your sibling, do you think that you'd ever find him/her attractive and go out with him/her?

Oh yeah, totally! I am so joking - this crossing so many boundaries that just shouldn't be crossed. That is insect. I mean incest. Gross to the power of ten to the one hundredth.

Would you ever eat a caterpillar?

I already have? I was little. It was kind of squishy, but not that bad.

If yes, why?

I ALREADY ATE ONE, DAMNIT!!!!

If no, why?

Well, it's too late to go back and un-eat a caterpillar. So shut face, survey.

Would you rather kiss a random stranger on the street of the opposite gender or tickle a random stranger on the street of the opposite gender?

Would I get to choose? Because if it's a hobo, then I'd kiss him, just to make his day. If it's hot guy I'd kiss him well, just because. And if it was David Tennant, I would ask him if I could go in the TARDIS with him.

Would you rather throw up or fart on stage?

Would it be a loud, echoey fart? Or the quiet, ladylike kind? Because I have puked on stage, and that is just no fun.

Would you ever sneak out of the house at night?

And go where? I live in East Buttfuck Nowhere, Massachusetts. We have seven pizza places and a Dunkin Donuts. And that is it. I don't get high, so what's the point? Besides, my house has free food and internet. Why would I ever want to leave?

Do you think this survey was weird?

No not really. I have nothing to compare it to.

Did you find it enjoyable?

Yes, just about as enjoyable as ripping off my own pupillary sphincter. I put it right up there next to getting fingered by Wolverine and finals week at school. Time of my life.

I forget exactly how the next question was worded, but it had something to do with tagging five people.

I'm not going to tag five, because I'm not that annoying person who always forwards the text or email. Besides, I don't know that many bloggers, so I'm going to stick with three. Do the survey if you wish. But the gnomes will eat you if you don't. You've been warned. Whimsy from Whimsyville, Noah Brown from Brown's Eye, and Eeshie from I Don't Skinny Dip, I Chunky Dunk. Please make me feel cool and mention not thinking about doing the survey. Or do it. If you do, I will make you oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, which are my specialty. Or brownies, which are also my specialty.

Anyway, that was an enjoyable way to procrastinate my way through not doing my laundry, but I'm out of clean knickers, and I really do need those, so I'm going to bid you all adieu. So adieu.

Parting Joke:

(I just went to a Science and Technology lecture, so this is the product of that!)

How many computer scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Um, none. That's a hardware problem.

Penis.

(That's three!!!)