I Climbed This Whole Mountain

And look where it got me.  Absolutely nowhere.

Hello all.  And hello to my new followers!  All of you are brilliant, and thank you.  Though, I doubt that people regularly read this, considering the fact that there are 75 of you, and I only average about 5 views on a post.  No matter.  I love you regardless.  It is unconditional love, like the love a parent has for their child, or the love that I have for pizza, or Nutella, or you!

Anyway, as this year rounds out, I figured I would make another post before my obligatory post about the new year.

I really have no idea where I'm taking this, but I feel like after the heavy post I did a few days ago, which is here, I needed to lighten things up with some rambling.  My URL, after all, is ramblingzombies.blogspot.com, and what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't hearken back to my roots every once in a while.  I mean, in the beginning, I really had no idea where I wanted this blog to go, and to be honest, if I had any artistic integrity, I would delete half of the posts I've made in the past.  Because, damn, was I annoying, mother of pearl.  But, I feel for the Jennelle that wrote those.  She was developing an online persona, and to be frank, it needed a little molding.  She and I are one, obviously.  It's not like I have 15 year old Jennelle cloned and tucked away in my closet.  Because that would be creepy. *cough*

Well, getting back on topic, it's funny to look back on my old posts.  I was so little.  So naive.  Not saying that I'm not naive now, because I still am, but I'm older.  I've had more life experience.  More time on the planet.  It's like looking in on a little sibling, watching them grow up.  It's like I didn't know what to write about.  I think I wanted to be an informative blog, but that died pretty quickly.  Then I went through a very vulgar phase.  And then I found a happy medium and I guess that brings us up to now.  It is interesting to reread what I was thinking in the past.  Sometimes I cringe, but other times I find small strokes of brilliance, and that is always reassuring.

It's been nearly two years since I've started this blog, which is ridiculous to think about.  I've kept with something for two whole years without giving up.  Sure, I've taken breaks, and been AWOL, but I've always come back.  I think it is because this is a place where I can write about what I think and have people give me their opinions.  And opinions are a great thing to have, especially when they come from someone else.

What is also great about having a blog is meeting friends.  You are all my bloggy-type mates, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!  I've made some really good friends through blogging, like Peter, who is seriously up there in my list of friends (speaking of Peter, I owe him a letter.  How about you drop by his blog and distract him while I write it?).  I never would have met him if it wasn't for the Internet.  And I wouldn't have met Allyson, Yana, Lex, or Izzy, either, and I love all of them to bits.  The5LightningScars, anyone?  We still exist, if only in your hearts.  Or maybe in real life if we could all find some time.  Or Gabi, who is my NaNoWriMo buddy.  Or Ash, who always writes thoughtful comments on my blogs.  Or Christopher, who writes amazing poetry and makes me laugh.  I may not say it a lot, but you guys make this worth it, because I know that you guys have made me a better person simply because you exist.  And that is a wonderful thing.

I was talking with Peter yesterday, and we had a natural lull in conversation, but if you are using facebook chat or some other form of textual communication, natural lulls seem anything but.  Human beings like to fill the silence.  But then I said something that I am honestly proud of, because it describes perfectly how I feel about friendship, and the friends I have made online.

"That's the thing about being friends.  It's alright if we talk about a whole lot of nothing, because all of that nothing still means a whole lot." -Jennelle Barosin.

Hell yeah, check out that original quote.

In all honesty though, thank you, all of you, for putting up with my whole lot of nothing for nearly two years.  It's meant more to me than you can imagine.

Wow, I meant to make this light and funny, and it turned into something heavy and deep!  WHAT AM I DOING WHO AM I WHAT IS THIS -

Alright, I'm done.

Here is a picture of a baby buffalo to lighten the mood.  Look at that major cutie!  He's even jumping!

If I don't make a post before New Year's, have a happy one you guys.

Love and kisses and best wishes,

Jen

Sometimes I Wonder How I Manage To Interact Like A Human...

I am a socially awkward little penguin.

Sometimes I just feel so weird, and I get so freaked out and socially anxious that I can't even talk to my friends.  I spend the entire time debating whether or not to talk to them, and then when I finally pluck up the courage, they're gone.  It is so stupid.  These people are friends with me in the first place for a reason.  I shouldn't be freaking out.  But I do.  And then I yell at myself internally for freaking out since it is stupid.

UGH.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone else feels this way, and then I remember that everyone feels like this sometimes.  But it still doesn't make me feel any less awkward when it's happening.

So I just have to get over the huge pit in my stomach and say hello.  And then I remember why I'm friends with people in the first place.

And it's because they are awesome.

Love,

Jen

Internet Friends

If you read this blog, there is a good chance that I think of you as one of my 'Internet Friends'.  Now, there is a certain stigma that comes along with 'Internet Friends', or at least, to me there seems to be.

The way I see it is that when you meet someone in, as it is colloquially known, 'real life', (personally, I think this is stupid, because the way I present myself on the Internet and the way I act in 'real life' are one and the same.  So rest assured, if you actually do meet me, I act exactly the same as I write.  Though maybe I do talk a little less.  But that could be because it won't be a one sided conversation!) the chances of you finding out that the pair of you have a lot of things in common early on is possible, but not particularly high.  It usually takes a long while to figure out that you have things in common with all of the people that you hang around with.

But on the Internet it's different.  The chances of you having a lot of things in common with people that you meet on the Internet is, in my opinion, a lot higher.  Because when you make friends on the internet, you usually find them through something that you already like, so you already have one thing in common.  And that usually leads to more things.

I pride myself in being able to talk about a lot of subjects with different people.  It's a skill that I've tried to develop, since I used to be a bit awkward in conversation at times.  I still am, I suppose.  But I've been working on it for a few years, just trying to get to the point where I'm not an awkward duck.  I try not to, but one of the problems with being introverted is that you sometimes feel awkward in conversation.  But the thing with all of you, my lovely Internet friends, is that I already feel comfortable around you, because I know that we will have something to talk about.  And that is really cool.

I'm the only one of my friends with true 'Internet Friends' and sometimes I feel like they don't get that I can be friends with people who are so far away from me.  But that is the awesome thing about the Internet, isn't it?  I can be friends with any of you, no matter how far away from me you actually are.  Most of the time the basis of friendships in life is proximity.  And with the Internet, that is no longer an issue.  I can truthfully say that I love having you guys as my friends.

Aww, so sappy sentimental.  I was feeling it, I was feeling it.

Anyways.  12 days left of school.  Wish me luck and pray that I don't go insane.

Love and kisses,

Jen

The Story of How I Dealt With My First True Asshole

Let me preface this story by saying that I am Jewish, and extremely proud of this fact.  I know that the previous statement sounds innocuous, but believe me when I say it is important to the story.

And so it begins.

************

I have never hated anyone before.  I am very proud of this fact, that I am in my seventeenth year of existing on this planet and I have never hated anyone.

Well, of course, that all had to change this year.

So there is this guy in my school.  His name is Brandon, but it should be Dick.  Because that is what he is.  We were in the play together, and this is where this all started.

Whenever I would walk past him, he'd go "chu chu", like a train, but he would say it in a manner that sounded like he was saying "Jew Jew".  Which I wouldn't tolerate.  I point-blank asked him what he was saying a few times, and he'd get all defensive and wouldn't answer me.  So I finally just tried ignoring him, because asking him to stop wasn't helping.  Whenever he would make a racial comment, I would kind of laugh it off, and awkwardly try to remove myself from the situation as soon as possible.

But after the play ended, he would still do this stupid stuff!  At a Capella, he would make comment and make sure I heard them.  He even really embarrassed my friend Peter because he included him in one of his 'jokes' and when Peter realized what was going on, he got so red.  I didn't know that shade of red existed in this world.  It was then that I started to stand up for myself.  He was going "Jooo", which is a syllable in one of our songs, but he made sure he was looking at me what he said it.  So I looked right back and went "diiiick".  He stopped for that day.  Win for me.

However, he didn't stop completely.  I dealt with that today.  Oh, I dealt with it.

Today, I had a horrible headache.  Now, if you don't know, I get terrible headaches, which I talk about here, if you want to know more.  My medicine has since stopped working and I get horrible, migraine-type headaches a few times a day.  If any of you have ever had a migraine, you know what I mean.  And then Dick, I mean Brandon, has to balls to walk past me and go "chu chu" like he's a train conductor.  I looked physically ill when he did that.  Like puke up my guts ill.  And we were in a crowded hallway!

After that I was done.  I had had it.

I went home and I told my mom what I was going to do.  Now, my mom knows what this guy has been doing, and she actually gave me a bunch of comebacks to say to him which were mean and witty at the same time.  That is why I love my mother.  But I told her what I was going to do, and she gave me some really good advice.  That is another reason I love my mother.

So I went into a Capella knowing exactly what I was going to do.  And Brandon was there, and he was pretty good because he wasn't near me, but at the very end of practice, he was right behind me and he asked my friend MaryBeth if she liked "juice".  And then he said "I could really go for a juice box right now" putting a hell of a lot of inflection of the "ju" part of "juice".  MaryBeth, bless her heart, turned around and said "Fuck you" to Brandon.  I love her for that.  Then he had the ballsack to ask me if I wanted a juice box.  That was it.  I turned around and went "Brandon, could I have a word with you after a Capella?  Thanks."  He shut up real quick.

When a Capella ended, he came up to me and was all "Sorry sorry I didn't know blah blah blah".  It was such bullshit, y'all.  Like I couldn't deal with it.  I said to him "I accept your apology but let me talk.  I am done with your comments.  I have had it." And then he said "If I had known you were annoyed I wouldn't have done it!" (Yeah right.  Once a dick, always a dick.  He was horrible to my older brother too when Jake, my older brother, went to my school.  Him and Brandon hated each other.)  But I said "Let me finish.  This is the last time.  The next time you make a comment like that I will go to the school."  And he's all "But you laughed!"  And I said "Yeah, because you made me feel so uncomfortable!" And then he goes "Why are you so angry?" To which I replied "Because I was the only one you were doing that to.  And it ends now.  This is the last time."

Then I walked away.

LIKE A BOSS.

He kind of looked at me and then walked away, like he didn't know what to do with himself.

WIN FOR ME!!!

He'll probably never bother me again.  He's just a jerk, and a bully, and a coward to boot.  And I put that asshole in his place.  I've got two and a half more months and then I'll never see him again, because he's graduating.  Which I'm taking as a welcome blessing.

More than anything, this experience has taught me that there are assholes out there, even in my ass backwards little town (I literally live in the boonies of Massachusetts, but I digress).  There are people who will make fun of me and hate me because of my religion.  They exist, and there are a lot of them in the world, which weirdly makes me even prouder to be Jewish.  Jews have been through some shit storms throughout all of recorded history.  Most of the world has always been hating on the Jews in one form or another.  This hatred, which has lasted thousands of years, makes me proud to be part of this religion.  We can deal with this hatred.  And we survive in spite of it.

Just like I did with Brandon.  I stood up for myself, and told him exactly what was what.  If anything, I now know that I am strong enough to take on people who will hate me for no reason other than my religion.  And knowing this makes me feel like a better, stronger person.  I can deal with assholes.  And I can do it on my own.  I can take on the world, in my own small way.

Besides, telling him off felt almost as good as if I had punched him in the face, which was my next option.  I have very violent tendencies.  It isn't good.  Or is it.....?

Well, if you've read through this whole thing, I love you to bits and pieces.  You just read my first tale of me dealing with the real world.  This is a monumental occasion.  Thanks for sharing it with me.

Parting joke:

"Dicks and vaginas are kind of like Coke and Pepsi.  I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they taste the same."
-Bo Burnham
(technically vaginas should be vaginae but I'm not one to change quotations.)

Love and kisses,

Jen

EEEK YOU GUYS I AM SO EXCITED I FORGOT HOW TO UNDO THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON!!!

But no worries, I fixed it.

I am sooper dooper excited y'all.  I'm so pumped.  Like stoq'd!

It's ridicky donkey.

I had opening night of my play tonight!  It went amazingly.  Honestly.  I've never been prouder of my
drama club. We did so well.  It was fantasticisimus!

The play is Anything Goes, and if I do say so myself, we do an amazing-tastic job at being these characters.  I play a drunk French person.  That is literally my role.  I am drunk, and I am French.  My mom thought that I was hilarious, which means a lot coming from her.  I mean, she's my mom.  I like it when she is proud of me.  I have so much nervous energy right now.  It is ridiculous. 

Honestly.
I couldn't love my cast and crew more.  After hanging out with them nearly every day for four months, you can't help but being a big family. It just happens naturally.  I love each and every one of them and they all know it because I hug every single one of them.  Every single day.

SO MUCH ENERGY!!!

Oh, and I'm feeling much better, for those of you who care.  I still have a cough, but hey, everyone is coughing. I am not coughing in solidarity.  I am coughing in a coughing barbershop quartet.  I cough alto.  I took that way too far.

I'll report back soon about everything else that happens.  It'll be a blast.

OH, one funny awkward story to tell.  So you know that guy that I moaned about a few posts ago?  Well, I was talking to him today before the show (he's in crew) and I was laughing and walking away after making a joke at his expense (the only way to make jokes) and I had one of the costume ladies tell me explicitly, while laughing "He's much too young for you."

I nearly died of embarassment.  I had to go hide in the dressing room and laugh quietly to myself for a while.

I have to go to sleep because it is midnight and I still have school tomorrow.  So I love you all and I'll talk to all y'all soon!

I am too tired to tell a joke, but I promise I have a good one lined up.

Love and kisses,

L.

IF YOU CLICK THE LINK IN THIS POST, I WILL GIVE YOU A POSITION OF POWER IN MY GOVERNMENT WHEN I TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH MIND CONTROLLING PORPOISES!!!!

CLICK THIS!!!!
My school is entered in the Glee Give a Note Contest, and we need, and I need, you guys' help!!!
Go to this link once a day, from multiple IP addresses if you could, and vote up my school! 

I know that I'm foisting this on you guys, but I really need your help to get money for my music program. 

Music is really important to me, and I would love it if you guys would help. 

Seriously, I would be forever in your debt. 

You can have my first born child!!!!

I'll name the kid after you, and then give it to you!  It can be your slave and feed you grapes or other shit!!!

Just clicky the linky and make me a very happy person!!!

Plus, I'm in the video.  Yes, I am.  Near the end, and it is awesome.  I'm lip-synching to Don't Stop Believing.  I'm the one with short hair who is being awesome. You will know me when you see me.  I exude awesome.  For realzies, you guys. [Update:  you see me for like one second.  It is near the very end; I'm singing and I have a flute.  I'm wearing a dark, long sleeved t-shirt.  Just so you know that I exist and I'm not just some hologram of awesome all of you have simultaneously hallucinated about.]

Please help.  It would be awesome.  And I would love you for it.

I will write a proper, non-foisty post later this week.  K?  K.

LOVE AND KISSES AND CLICK THE LINK!!!! :D

Jen

Life Is An STD That Is Always Fatal

Lovelypoos! I'm back!  I'm not dead!  I didn't fall off the face of the earth!  I wasn't eaten by rabid walruses!  I just had a really big history project due, and that took up all of my time.  It won't happen again.  Kidding, it probably will happen.  All the time.  So sorry about that.

I'm going to confess something to you all that I haven't actually confessed out loud, not even when I'm talking to myself.

Prepare yourselves for what may seem like deep-rooted self esteem issues mixed in with some adolescent hormonal moaning.  But don't worry; It's just sleep deprivation.

I'm afraid that I'm defective.  I know that that sounds awful and terrible, but I do.  I have two friends, yes?  I have them in most of my classes, and during PE we sit in the corner of the gymnasium on the mats and talk about stuff (yes, for all of you who are wondering, I'm passing this class with an A, thank you very much).  Mostly the stuff we talk about is boys, because we are girls. 

Now my two friends, both of them openly have crushes on boys, I guess is the way to put it.  Both of them have had multiple boyfriends and they both get boys to like them really easily.

Here is where I feel like I'm defective.  I can't get a guy to like me.  Like ever.  I've had a grand total of one boyfriend, and that was for fifteen minutes in the sixth grade.  I've never been kissed, and I doubt any self-respecting guy has even thought about kissing me, regardless of how horny he was.

And I don't feel a need to always like a guy.  I haven't 'had a crush' since sixth grade.  At least on anyone attainable.  I have 'idea crushes', as in, I love the idea of someone, like a celebrity.  Or I get really attached to a voice.  Or a character in a book.  But not on anyone real.  Does that make me defective?  Or weird?

I am kind of worried that I'm going to end up lonely and alone because I have trouble making connections with people.  I feel like people think that I'm aloof.  I guess sometimes I do act like that.  It's my own fault.  I act aloof and use caustic sarcasm as a way to hide the fact that I have no idea how to act and that I actually am quite shy.

People have said that one of my great qualities is no fear to talk to strangers and a vast knowledge that allows me to relate to anyone.  If only they knew.

Okay, so that was deeply personal, I'm so sorry that I just subjected you to that.

I love you all.  Seriously.

Parting joke:

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

Because his life had no porpoise!

Love and kisses,

L.

Random Thoughts From My Random Mind...Enjoy Sparingly With Cheese

None of this is real.  Not your shoes.  Not your face.  Not your fake IQ.  We are all in the dream of some great strange sneeze beast somewhere in the universe.  So go be absolutely crazy.

Ball sack is becoming my swearword of choice.  I don't know why.  I say balls when I'm in the company of others, but when I'm alone.  It's just all about the ball sack.  Why, I'll never really know.

I love the word orugulous.  It means prideful.  It was my word of the day today.  And I just spell checked it, and apparently orugulous is too awesome for blogger.  I've beaten the Internets.  Can I get a what what?  (off in the distance)  WHAT WHAT?!

I find out what musical my high school is doing this year tomorrow.  I'm quite excited, but at the same time I'm a bit, I don't know, eh.  I know what part I'll be getting.  Ensemble.  Again.  Just like last year.  And the year before that.  And the year before that.  But I'm totally okay with that, because I get to hang out with cool people and do just about nothing two days after school until February, and then suddenly it all comes together in a pillar of awesome and it is really good.  Just a dead good job, you know what I mean?

I got an 84 on my latest Algebra II test!  I feel like I beat the system.  My friend got a one hundred.  How she did, I've no idea.  I'm just pleased I passed.  I basically failed the first test.  It was a 65, which is a D.  But it is still a D, and a D is unacceptable.  Neither is an 84, really, in my mind, but that is going to change.  I'm getting As in math this year, you guys.  It is going to happen.  My grandfather was a freaking mathematician and an engineer.  Some of that smartness must have trickled down, right?!  RIGHT?!!!!!

This whole post is a lie.  Your face is a lie.  Your dog is a lie.  Your non-existent dog is a lie.  Your pet rock is a lie.  THE CAKE IS A LIE.

My head is doing loads better, for any of you who care.  The headaches are getting super manageable, which is dead brilliant, and I'm really excited to be able to say that I'm normal.  Two days ago, though, I went to the dentist to get a filling (my first one, ever.  I'm such a fail at dental hygiene.) and they stabbed me twice with needles and I didn't enjoy that.  My face hurt so much that I had to take ibuprofen.  And if that wasn't the stupidest thing I've ever done, ever.  Yesterday, I had a headache for twelve hours.  TWELVE HOURS.  I HAD A HEADACHE FOR HALF A DAY.  I'm feeling a lot better today, but now I know how my body reacts to ibuprofen (e.g. BADLY) so I'm never going to take any, ever again.  And I should be all the better for it.

I am currently obsessed with hats.  I'm growing my hair out, since it is really short and I miss doing it and stuff, but it is getting into that awkward stage where I always have to where a hat because it is just really weird looking.  So I'm knitting a hat and I have all of these cool ones and I'm very excited.

Fun fact of the day:  Whenever I type a blog to you's guys, when I'm hearing the words in my head, I hear them in an English/Scottish/Irish accent (it all depends on my mood.).  The voice in my head speaks with a British accent.  I'm just that cool.  Or mad.  I guess it depends on your view of things.

This blog was a lot longer than I intended it to be.  So, I guess that's good, yeah?

Brilliant!

Parting joke:

Why does Cinderella suck at sports?

Because she's always running away from the ball!

HAHAHA GOOD CLEAN HUMOR!!!!

Love and kisses,

L.

P.S. Guess who has twenty followers?  I HAVE TWENTY FOLLOWERS!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!!! I LOVE ALL OF YOU TO PIECES, I REALLY DO!!!!

Extra-special love and kisses

L.

THE LEGS AND THE NOSE HAVE GONE!!! WHAT NO!!!!!!!!

For those of you who don't watch Doctor Who, be forewarned.  This whole post is about Doctor Who. It really is.  So either suck it up and read or don't read this post.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Alright, so I'm like the biggest Doctor Who fan ever, right?  And my friend's never seen it, yeah?  So tonight of all nights I decided to watch it with her because I was hanging out and I really wanted her to see it.

What I didn't know is that tonight was the episode where two of my favorite companions left.  THEY LEFT THE SHOW YOU GUYS!!!!!! I'VE BEEN ABANDONED!!!!!!!

Rory and Amy Williams.  The nose and the legs.  I am going to cry.

So, funny story.  On my first blog, which you can find here if you want to read some family friendly ramblings of a thirteen year old, on the second post, which you can find here, I talk about Doctor Who.  I have been a Whovian for a long time.  Three years.  Whatever, it felt like a long time to me!!!

Anyway, tonight's episode.  Did not get that Rory and Amy were leaving until they were leaving and I was sitting on my friend's couch crying because I didn't know what to do with myself.  Honestly. 

Words I texted to a friend, while crying: RORY AND AMY ARE GONE AND MY HEART IS BREAKING AND I'M GOING TO CRY MY EYES OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once I knew it was coming, once I figured it out, I think it was worse.  Because then I was sitting on a couch with someone who's never seen the show before, trying to explain why having Amy say goodbye to the Doctor wasn't just a regular occurence, and that Rory and Amy were never going to be companions again and that I was going to have a good cry for a minute, if that was OK (it was; I love my friend Jacquie).

I had an inkling, earlier in the show, when Rory said "spent time" as in "past tense" as in "no longer are spending time" and then I kind of stored that information away in the folder of my brain where I emotionally deal with things LATER not at the present.

This is going to hit me so hard tomorrow.  It is going to be really bad for a few days.  Really really bad.  Almost as bad as when David Tennant left.  I bawled my eyes out in the kitchen when he regenerated.  "I don't want to go".  I didn't want him to go.  And I don't want Rory and Amy to go.  THE NOSE AND THE LEGS CAN'T LEAVE!!!!! MOFFAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?!  Stephen Moffat, while I respect you with all of my heart, I will never forgive you for letting Amy and Rory go.  Seriously!!!@!#U217407oryeoriywqro324.  Sorry.  That just needed to come out.  Arthur, Matt and Karen had the best chemistry as actors together.  Really, it was just dead brilliant.  You could tell that they genuinely enjoyed working together, and that they were genuine friends, it wasn't faked for the camera.  They seemed like going out to the pub after work friends, not see you tomorrow work friends.  Ohmygod I'm so upset.

I'm sorry that I'm unloading all of my emotional trauma onto you guys.  I love you forever if you are still reading.  And before you all laugh at me for being emotionally attached to a show, I have an explanation.

Doctor Who allows me to believe that there is something beautiful and wonderful out there.  And even though I will never get to experience it, or be there, I still believe that it is wonderful.  I believe (not really I'm not mental)that there is a mad man with a box out there and he is saving the universe.  And I think that having that belief helps me cope when I have an existential crisis of identity.  I like believing that there is a British-accented, 900+ year old Time Lord out there who takes people away with him and they get to see extraordinary things.  I like believing that.  I don't know.  It helps when the stars seem so infinite, and I seem so small.

I will always love the Doctor.  Always.

I'm crying again, you guys, this isn't fun.

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

Love and kisses,

L.