Quote of the Week

Take a shower, shine your shoes/ You got no time to lose/ You are young men you must be living/ So go now you are forgiven.
-The General, Dispatch

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Story of How I Dealt With My First True Asshole

Let me preface this story by saying that I am Jewish, and extremely proud of this fact.  I know that the previous statement sounds innocuous, but believe me when I say it is important to the story.

And so it begins.


I have never hated anyone before.  I am very proud of this fact, that I am in my seventeenth year of existing on this planet and I have never hated anyone.

Well, of course, that all had to change this year.

So there is this guy in my school.  His name is Brandon, but it should be Dick.  Because that is what he is.  We were in the play together, and this is where this all started.

Whenever I would walk past him, he'd go "chu chu", like a train, but he would say it in a manner that sounded like he was saying "Jew Jew".  Which I wouldn't tolerate.  I point-blank asked him what he was saying a few times, and he'd get all defensive and wouldn't answer me.  So I finally just tried ignoring him, because asking him to stop wasn't helping.  Whenever he would make a racial comment, I would kind of laugh it off, and awkwardly try to remove myself from the situation as soon as possible.

But after the play ended, he would still do this stupid stuff!  At a Capella, he would make comment and make sure I heard them.  He even really embarrassed my friend Peter because he included him in one of his 'jokes' and when Peter realized what was going on, he got so red.  I didn't know that shade of red existed in this world.  It was then that I started to stand up for myself.  He was going "Jooo", which is a syllable in one of our songs, but he made sure he was looking at me what he said it.  So I looked right back and went "diiiick".  He stopped for that day.  Win for me.

However, he didn't stop completely.  I dealt with that today.  Oh, I dealt with it.

Today, I had a horrible headache.  Now, if you don't know, I get terrible headaches, which I talk about here, if you want to know more.  My medicine has since stopped working and I get horrible, migraine-type headaches a few times a day.  If any of you have ever had a migraine, you know what I mean.  And then Dick, I mean Brandon, has to balls to walk past me and go "chu chu" like he's a train conductor.  I looked physically ill when he did that.  Like puke up my guts ill.  And we were in a crowded hallway!

After that I was done.  I had had it.

I went home and I told my mom what I was going to do.  Now, my mom knows what this guy has been doing, and she actually gave me a bunch of comebacks to say to him which were mean and witty at the same time.  That is why I love my mother.  But I told her what I was going to do, and she gave me some really good advice.  That is another reason I love my mother.

So I went into a Capella knowing exactly what I was going to do.  And Brandon was there, and he was pretty good because he wasn't near me, but at the very end of practice, he was right behind me and he asked my friend MaryBeth if she liked "juice".  And then he said "I could really go for a juice box right now" putting a hell of a lot of inflection of the "ju" part of "juice".  MaryBeth, bless her heart, turned around and said "Fuck you" to Brandon.  I love her for that.  Then he had the ballsack to ask me if I wanted a juice box.  That was it.  I turned around and went "Brandon, could I have a word with you after a Capella?  Thanks."  He shut up real quick.

When a Capella ended, he came up to me and was all "Sorry sorry I didn't know blah blah blah".  It was such bullshit, y'all.  Like I couldn't deal with it.  I said to him "I accept your apology but let me talk.  I am done with your comments.  I have had it." And then he said "If I had known you were annoyed I wouldn't have done it!" (Yeah right.  Once a dick, always a dick.  He was horrible to my older brother too when Jake, my older brother, went to my school.  Him and Brandon hated each other.)  But I said "Let me finish.  This is the last time.  The next time you make a comment like that I will go to the school."  And he's all "But you laughed!"  And I said "Yeah, because you made me feel so uncomfortable!" And then he goes "Why are you so angry?" To which I replied "Because I was the only one you were doing that to.  And it ends now.  This is the last time."

Then I walked away.


He kind of looked at me and then walked away, like he didn't know what to do with himself.


He'll probably never bother me again.  He's just a jerk, and a bully, and a coward to boot.  And I put that asshole in his place.  I've got two and a half more months and then I'll never see him again, because he's graduating.  Which I'm taking as a welcome blessing.

More than anything, this experience has taught me that there are assholes out there, even in my ass backwards little town (I literally live in the boonies of Massachusetts, but I digress).  There are people who will make fun of me and hate me because of my religion.  They exist, and there are a lot of them in the world, which weirdly makes me even prouder to be Jewish.  Jews have been through some shit storms throughout all of recorded history.  Most of the world has always been hating on the Jews in one form or another.  This hatred, which has lasted thousands of years, makes me proud to be part of this religion.  We can deal with this hatred.  And we survive in spite of it.

Just like I did with Brandon.  I stood up for myself, and told him exactly what was what.  If anything, I now know that I am strong enough to take on people who will hate me for no reason other than my religion.  And knowing this makes me feel like a better, stronger person.  I can deal with assholes.  And I can do it on my own.  I can take on the world, in my own small way.

Besides, telling him off felt almost as good as if I had punched him in the face, which was my next option.  I have very violent tendencies.  It isn't good.  Or is it.....?

Well, if you've read through this whole thing, I love you to bits and pieces.  You just read my first tale of me dealing with the real world.  This is a monumental occasion.  Thanks for sharing it with me.

Parting joke:

"Dicks and vaginas are kind of like Coke and Pepsi.  I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they taste the same."
-Bo Burnham
(technically vaginas should be vaginae but I'm not one to change quotations.)

Love and kisses,



  1. Good for you. Well played and all that. I'm surprised you kept it civil (I thought you were going to give this guy a verbal beatdown), but it says a lot about you and your character that you kept yourself in control even after he'd done it for so long.

    Again, well done.

    And you're right, there are a crapload of arseholes (see whut I did thar?) in this world who just cannot help themselves. They are just despicable, stupid, idiotic human beings who don't realise they are crossing a line. Sometimes, they have to be pushed back.

    And I feel you on the migraine-like headaches, homie. I get migraines and they are not fun at all. Hope yours bugger off soon.

    I love you for this. Thank you.
    You have the balls to say what I should say every freaking time somebody makes a Jew-in-oven joke in front of me, or calls Israel an apartheid state or looks funny at my Star of David necklace.

    When I went to Israel and climbed Masada, my grandfather and I stood at the peak and looked down. "See that country? We survived. And where are the Romans now?" Winning.

    Okay. I'm done with the Jewish pride thing for now.

    Good for you.

    1. I am so glad that you feel the same way about Israel that I do. I love this country, and I haven't even been there yet! Thank God I get to go this summer!

      Also, I can't believe someone would have the audacity to make a Jew-in-oven joke near you. That is wrong on so many levels that I couldn't even begin to explain.

      But, Jewish pride for the win!

  3. I tagged you!


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