Quote of the Week

Take a shower, shine your shoes/ You got no time to lose/ You are young men you must be living/ So go now you are forgiven.
-The General, Dispatch

Sunday, May 15, 2011

So Um, The World Is Ending In A Week (?)

Alright, so this one took me as a shock.

I watch a lot of YouTube (aka I'm glued to my computer. You have to surgically remove my fingers from the keys. I am a part of Finn. (Finn is my computer) And Finn is a part of me. Deal with it bitches!) and I follow a lot of YouTubers. I particularly enjoy Nerimon, aka Alex Day, who I've mentioned before. In his latest video, which you can click and watch here, he talks about something called the Rapture, and how this is apparently the end of the world.

The world is ending in one week people. Someone throw a party. We all need to get properly sloshed and go out in style with matching tatoos of the cast of A Very Potter Musical on our backs.

So this is a thing, apparently. It has its own Wikipedia page, so you know that it is legit. I'm sorry I'm linking so much, but this is just super interesting to me. Also, if the world does end in a week, someone fuck me. I don't want to die a virgin. That would suck.

But this is honestly very interesting to me, since I am not a very religious person. I was raised Jewish, I am Bat Mitzvah, and I can speak Yiddish, but really I don't buy into the whole organized religion thing. Example: I haven't been to temple since my Bat Mitzvah. That was four years ago. To me, religion is a much more personal matter, and while I'm not entirely sure I believe in "God" I do believe that there is something out there. Partially because it is nice to think that it is more than just us, partially because it is nice to have reassurance that those you love will one day be reunited with you someway, somehow, because I can't bear the thought of never seeing those I love ever again, and partially because I find it helpful to have someone to blame when shit goes on in this world that defies explanation. There has to be a scapegoat, so blame God!

If any of you who read this are really religious, this post may seem a little blasphemous and shit, and I totally understand if you stop reading or whatever, but this is just what I believe. I'm agnostic. Which basically means I'm a pussy atheist.

In all seriousness though, I am agnostic, I'm not a fan of organized religion, and science makes a whole lot of sense to me. But sometimes you just look at something and you have to say that something greater than us had a hand in it. Science, life, existence can not take credit for all that is beautiful in this world. There is something greater. At least that is what I think.

Anywho, where was I?

Oh right. The Rapture.

Here is the basic picture: Some people believe that the Bible is basically a code for figuring out when certain prophecies will come into fruition. These wackjobs have predicted that the world will end, how shall I put this, A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. Seriously. Why can't we just have one Doomsday prophecy and be done with all of this shit? Reading this wiki, the End of Days has been predicted by numerous different groups no less than SIXTEEN TIMES. It's been different people, but they've all read the Bible, done some math, and came up with different dates. Isaac Newton one of them. He said that the Four Horsemen won't be riding their steeds of Pain and Suffering no time before 2060. This one guy, Harold Camping, has said that the world will end at least twice. Once in 1994. And when that didn't happen, he had to predict it AGAIN, saying that the world will end in 2011. As in, May 21, 2011.

As in, next Saturday.

Alright folks, it's time to sharpen those axes and start collecting ammo, because the Four Horsemen are coming and coming fast. I can hear the whinnies of their ponies. We've exited the valley of the royally screwed and climbed up into the mountains of the totally fucked.

My one qualm with this? If you are going to predict the End of Days so close to 2012, why can't you just hold off and say that the world IS going to end in 2012? Personally, I believe the Mayans. If they could create a calendar that lasted longer than their empire and end it on a year that still strikes fear into the hearts of the masses, I'll believe you over a bunch of Bible huggers who can't get their math straight. And even then, I don't believe in 2012.

Here's how this whole Rapture thing is supposed to go down. On May 21, the world will begin to end. All of the people who believe in God and Jesus or whatever will be saved by the second coming of Christ and taken into Heaven right away. Those who don't get to go the express route to Heaven have to live on Earth for the next five months, where it will literally be Hell on earth, with demons and shit running around wrecking havoc. Where oh where is Buffy when you need her, right? Then in October, the world will officially tap out.

Sounds like a blasty blast.

I'll be sharpening my katanas, since I'm sure as shit not going to Heaven the express route. Hell, I don't even believe in Heaven. Jews don't. We believe that when the Messiah comes (and it isn't Jesus) that all of our dead will rise again and the Messiah will take us to the promised land. I think. I don't really know the whole score. I do know that Jews don't get cremated for that reason though. That's why it's cool to be a Jew. You become a zombie! JEWS FTW!

So whether you believe in it or not, the end is coming. I can't wait to see what happens.

See you on the battle field.

Parting joke:

What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips...

(I laughed so hard at this one. I love making racist jokes towards myself. Besides, Jew jokes are fucking hilarious!)

Have a great last week on Earth everybody!

L. out, bitches.

1 comment:

  1. "...I believe you over a bunch of Bible huggers who can't get their math straight."

    You're. So. Funny.


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