Welcome To My Insanity

Hello there lovelies,

I'm back.  Kind of.  We'll see how well I keep a schedule.  I am procrastinating doing my Spanish homework to type this, because I missed you all!  I read a bunch of your blogs while I wasn't writing, but I didn't have the time to sit down and really write for you, which is nice.  I miss writing.

The only thing I write nowadays are my to do lists.

And since I don't really have anything to write about today, but I wanted to write something, without further ado, here is a copied over version of my to do list from a few days ago.  Don't freak out.  And no, I haven't changed anything.  I'm copying it over exactly as it is.

1/30/13 TO DO TODAY

1.       APUSH HW

§  APT ch. 9 due Friday

Ø  Read it soon; just get it done

2.       Rough edit of "Waiting Room"

§  Get the rough edits in so that everyone can download it

Ø  Plus you need to get the basic lighting ideas & set design down so you can start work on it right away

3.       FIND A COFFEE TABLE!

4.       ASK SOME CREW GUYS FOR HELP! ASK THEM EARLY! AS IN SOON!

5.       Spanish wksht for Homework

§  Do it during rehearsal INSTEAD of going on Tumblr.  Think of how nice going to bed before 12 AM sounds.  Do it.  DO IT!

Ø  Seriously.  You are not your limbic system, and you can control your brain, it should not control you.

v  Write that shit on your wall.  That’s motivational!

6.       English Homework

§  Fireside Poets

Ø  Do @ home since you don’t actually have a book

Ø  Do your vocab as well, but @ the school

v  And before you go on Tumblr, think of how nice a 10 PM Bedtime sounds.

7.       Math Homework

§  pg 319-320

Ø  BLECH ASYMPTOTES

v  Try to finish @ school

8.       Study for Anatomy & Physiology

§  Test Friday

§  STUDY A LOT! Get a 100%!

Ø  You definitely need it to bring up your grade average!

9.       Sign up for SATS!

§  Figure out if there is a test after March.

Ø  If not, pray to all the gods in the world and universe that things work out okay.

10.   Remember to plan for work until approx. 8:30 tonight.

§  So dinner @ 9:00?

Ø  Yay.

v  Sarcasm

11.   Go through all of those college emails @ one point. (read: soon)

§  Start thinking of places to look and then give Mum and Dad a list of the places you’ve been looking at and the reasons behind each choice

Ø  With UChicago, you cannot say it is like Hogwarts

v  Or, you can.  You just shouldn’t.

12.   Bring a clip and real sneakers for gym tomorrow.

§  Because, you know. Gym.

Ø  Kill me.  With a heavy, blunt object.  Thanks.

13.   Find a container for your everyday thanks  papers.

§  And you know, actually keep writing them.

14.   Rip those 3 CDs and the Harry Potter Audio Books.

15.   Write down some ideas to start working on for next year's Drama Festival.

§  Make it AWESOME.

Ø  Fallen angel, Valentine’s story, Internet friends?

FIN

And here is my life.  This is why I am never writing blog posts.  Because I am worrying about all of this stuff.

Welp.  I have to go do Spanish homework.

Toodle pip.

Love and kisses,

Jen

Hey Guys... I Need To Rant a Little Bit for Personal Reasons, and I Mean What the Hell Else Did I Create This Blog For If Not To Rant for Personal Reasons?

I know I wrote a deep an thoughtful post on Monday, and yesterday I wrote a gratefulness post about how lucky I was to have you guys... And I could kind of use that friendship right about now.

I was put on a new medication a week ago.  And I thought everything was going swimmingly until about fifteen minutes ago, my time.  What's ironic about this whole situation is that right before the shit hit the fan, I was literally, and I am using that term in its correct form, downstairs telling my parents how the new drug that I was taking was working, and that my headaches were going away.  I didn't think anything of the weird hives on my face or my aching ribs or persistent feverish state or weird canker sores or my upset stomach or trembling hands or the persistent ringing in my ears or the dizziness or the fact that I WAS FREAKING HEARING THINGS THAT WERE NOT THERE.  I think I was deluding myself.  I mean, let's all be honest here.  I was searching, begging, bargaining with the universe for a miracle. So when this medicine came along, I thought that I had finally found something that maybe, just maybe, would work for me.

I thought that the universe had finally come through on my bargains.

I thought that I had finally found my cure.

So now I am here, ugly crying in front of my laptop.  Because if there is something I don't know how to do yet, it is cope with disappointment regarding my health.  At this point, I should be at least a little used to this. I seem to be impervious to help, in all honesty.  In the course of a year, I have been through 6 medications, 1 experimental treatment, acupuncture, Bowen massage, herbal essential oils, even freaking yoga.  You don't know disappointment until you realize that you are reacting badly to a medication.  If you think you have known disappointment, I'm sorry, but you're wrong.  I don't care if I sound callous right now.  This is my blog and I will do whatever I damn well please.

What really gets me is that I'm at the stage in my life where I should be worrying about teenager things.  Like, 'oh, what if so-and-so likes me?  What was on TV last night?  OMG, I totally didn't study for that test, gonna fail now, lol.'  I can't worry about those things.  I have this huge, overarching thing to worry about.  And my friends wonder why I look at them like they're mad when they look at me like I'm crazy when I say I don't like anyone.  Normal teenage things are literally a non-issue to me.  I don't have enough brain power to waste on them.  And the reason is because I am worrying about if I will be able to get my homework done before the headache sets in, or worrying about the foods that I'm eating and how they react with my medication, or worrying about college because it is in two years, guys.

I'm going to be in college in two years.  That is a very short amount of time.  I need to find something that works to get rid of at least an iota of my headaches, because I'm going to be a poor college student.  I am not going to be able to afford trips to the neurologist four times a year.  And the fact that my problem might affect where I go to college and how I function as an adult in the future is daunting.  My parents tell me not to worry about it, but how can I not?  They are the ones telling me to look at colleges!  They are the ones telling me to start thinking about my life!

I don't care if you guys skip over this, I really don't. Writing gets the emotions out.  I am so done with this condition.  I'm fucking done with switching medications at the speed of light.  I'm fucking done with all of it.  I'm 17.  I should be worrying about something stupid.  But I'm not.  I'm worried about falling asleep tonight because breathing is hard right now.  Fucking mexiletine.  Or the crying.  Could be from either, really.

If you read this whole thing, God bless ya, because you're a saint.  I'm sorry to bore all of you with this.  Writing this down helps me deal with this, you know?

There are some days where I look at all of humanity and all that is occurring in the universe, and I am extraordinarily glad to be a part of it.  But for everyone of those days, there is also a day where I look into the daunting, black abyss of all of space and time and yell "WHY ME?" into the void.  Because some days it is infinitely easier to feel sorry for yourself than it is to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, spit in the universe's face, and soldier on.

Today is one of those days.

But I still harbor the hope that tomorrow won't be.

Thank you for listening.

I leave you with, as always, love and kisses,

Jen

These Are The Days

So here we are.  Another year almost gone, another apocalypse averted, another holiday season upon us.  It is weird to see the world in terms of holidays and apocalypses and stuff like that.  But it makes sense.  These days are the days that define us as people and as a world.  The days that matter, if you will.

I don't like to define my life by big days.  I like little days.  Little days that define your life and who you are in much more profound ways than the big days.  Days where only small things happen.

Days like when I went into Boston by myself for the first time.  It was the first time I ever rode the train by myself.  It made me feel like an adult.  My parents trusted me enough to do this on my own.  They knew that I would be meeting up with friends, and they let me, knowing that I could.  The freedom that comes with your parents realizing that you are almost an adult and letting you do things by yourself is a huge deal, especially when you are a teenager.  It solidifies itself in your head as a moment where you yourself realize that you are almost an adult.  The years where I am a teenager are almost over.  I only have three more years until I am twenty.  That notion is crazy to me.  But the fact that my parents trusted me to be able to take the train by myself shows me that true independence is not too far away.

Days like when I was in Israel.  Those are big days, I suppose, but it was the little things during those days that make that trip so memorable.  It was hanging out with the people in their rooms.  There was one day where me and my friends just sprawled out on the beds and watched dubbed Family Guy in Jerusalem.  We weren't supposed to be in the guys' rooms, but we didn't care.  We did it anyways, since obviously everyone else was.  Or being in a market place and having one of my friends buy, quite honestly, all of the spices in Jerusalem.  Or getting iced coffee.  Or complaining about early wakeups.  Or doing laundry together in the tub.  Or hugging each other.  Or comforting each other.  There are moments on that trip that I will never forget, and they were the small moments.  The comforting hand of someone who feels what you are going through.  The acknowledging hug of someone letting you know they are there.  Small things.  Laughter.  Jokes.  New best friends that I hope to have for the rest of my life.

Days like my grandmother's passing.  In the grand scheme of life, the universe, and everything, one human life is not huge.  Millions of people die every day, and millions of people are born every day.  Such is the nature of life.  I think what makes life special is that it doesn't matter how small and insignificant one human life can seem to the rest of the world.  That one human life mattered to me.  It was special, and beautiful. And now it is gone.  My grandmother's death was the first death that I have experienced that I truly realized how scary and how very big death is.  It is a big concept for such a small action.  It is part of being alive, but it is the absence of life.  I still can't quite wrap my head around the concept that my grandmother is not here, and will never be here again.  That she is gone.  Little things will remind me of her, like songs that she used to hum and candies that she used to eat.  They have become part of me.  And in that small way, she will never die.  What she was, who she was, is part of me now.  I guess humans have at least one facet of immortality down.  We can never be truly forgotten by those who love us.  And when the people we love are gone, and they become part of us, and then those parts are remembered by the ones who love us when we are gone.  And so it goes.

I have days where I don't want to get out of bed.  And those days define me.

There are days when I am so excited about getting to tomorrow that I can't sleep, even though I know that sleeping will get me to the next day quicker than tossing and turning will. And those days define me.

There are days when I have lost faith in humanity.  There are days when I have nothing but hope for the future of the world because of the good I see in people.

There are days when I am so anxious that I can barely speak.  There are days when I feel like no one likes me.  There are days when I worry about things that are out of my control.

There are days when I feel like I can soar on the wind of my own confidence.  There are days when I feel like the world is my oyster and everyone is a pearl.  There are days when I realize that the world is what it is and I can't change that, so I just accept it.

These days are the days that define me.  Not holidays, not apocalypses.  The little days.  The days that make up the in-betweens.  The beautiful, wonderful, horrible, terrifying, fucked-up and not fucked-up enough days in-between the days that define other peoples' lives.

These are the days that define me.

Happy Christmas everyone.

Jen

April 18: In Which I Realize Many Things

Realization 1: My blogger view counter is exactly 1 day behind the rest of the world.  I have no explanation for this madness.

Realization 2: I need to lose weight.  I have winter weight because, um, it was winter, and I eat lots of bread during the winter.  But I unpacked all of my summer clothes, and my bathing suits stared at me with eyes like 'Are you kidding me?  Get yourself together woman!' and I started crying because my clothes can be so godawful mean.

Realization 3: I have really weird friends.  I texted one of them asking if they were around tomorrow and my friend replied by saying 'Can't talk playing manhunt'.

Realization 4: I have too many clothes.  But I already knew that.  My room was covered.  It isn't now though. My clothes are are nicely put away.  Give me one day and everything will be thrown about again.  It's my nature.  I thrive in chaos.

Realization 5: I'm going to suck at being awake the next few weeks.  I took my new medicine last night, and it conked me out from midnight to noon.  I didn't wake up once.  Not even for my alarm.  Which I still have set even though I'm on break.  Yeah, I'm weird.  Shut up.

Realization 6: Game of Thrones is a great show and an even better book.  I recommend both thoroughly.

Realization 7: I know every single word to ALL THE DISNEY SONGS!!!

Realization 8: My blog has been viewed 9008 times.  You guys...

Realization 9: I have no more realizations.

So yeah, that about sums up my day.

Love and kisses,

Jen