I know I wrote a deep an thoughtful post on Monday, and yesterday I wrote a gratefulness post about how lucky I was to have you guys... And I could kind of use that friendship right about now.
I was put on a new medication a week ago. And I thought everything was going swimmingly until about fifteen minutes ago, my time. What's ironic about this whole situation is that right before the shit hit the fan, I was literally, and I am using that term in its correct form, downstairs telling my parents how the new drug that I was taking was working, and that my headaches were going away. I didn't think anything of the weird hives on my face or my aching ribs or persistent feverish state or weird canker sores or my upset stomach or trembling hands or the persistent ringing in my ears or the dizziness or the fact that I WAS FREAKING HEARING THINGS THAT WERE NOT THERE. I think I was deluding myself. I mean, let's all be honest here. I was searching, begging, bargaining with the universe for a miracle. So when this medicine came along, I thought that I had finally found something that maybe, just maybe, would work for me.
I thought that the universe had finally come through on my bargains.
I thought that I had finally found my cure.
So now I am here, ugly crying in front of my laptop. Because if there is something I don't know how to do yet, it is cope with disappointment regarding my health. At this point, I should be at least a little used to this. I seem to be impervious to help, in all honesty. In the course of a year, I have been through 6 medications, 1 experimental treatment, acupuncture, Bowen massage, herbal essential oils, even freaking yoga. You don't know disappointment until you realize that you are reacting badly to a medication. If you think you have known disappointment, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I don't care if I sound callous right now. This is my blog and I will do whatever I damn well please.
What really gets me is that I'm at the stage in my life where I should be worrying about teenager things. Like, 'oh, what if so-and-so likes me? What was on TV last night? OMG, I totally didn't study for that test, gonna fail now, lol.' I can't worry about those things. I have this huge, overarching thing to worry about. And my friends wonder why I look at them like they're mad when they look at me like I'm crazy when I say I don't like anyone. Normal teenage things are literally a non-issue to me. I don't have enough brain power to waste on them. And the reason is because I am worrying about if I will be able to get my homework done before the headache sets in, or worrying about the foods that I'm eating and how they react with my medication, or worrying about college because it is in two years, guys.
I'm going to be in college in two years. That is a very short amount of time. I need to find something that works to get rid of at least an iota of my headaches, because I'm going to be a poor college student. I am not going to be able to afford trips to the neurologist four times a year. And the fact that my problem might affect where I go to college and how I function as an adult in the future is daunting. My parents tell me not to worry about it, but how can I not? They are the ones telling me to look at colleges! They are the ones telling me to start thinking about my life!
I don't care if you guys skip over this, I really don't. Writing gets the emotions out. I am so done with this condition. I'm fucking done with switching medications at the speed of light. I'm fucking done with all of it. I'm 17. I should be worrying about something stupid. But I'm not. I'm worried about falling asleep tonight because breathing is hard right now. Fucking mexiletine. Or the crying. Could be from either, really.
If you read this whole thing, God bless ya, because you're a saint. I'm sorry to bore all of you with this. Writing this down helps me deal with this, you know?
There are some days where I look at all of humanity and all that is occurring in the universe, and I am extraordinarily glad to be a part of it. But for everyone of those days, there is also a day where I look into the daunting, black abyss of all of space and time and yell "WHY ME?" into the void. Because some days it is infinitely easier to feel sorry for yourself than it is to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, spit in the universe's face, and soldier on.
Today is one of those days.
But I still harbor the hope that tomorrow won't be.
Thank you for listening.
I leave you with, as always, love and kisses,
Jen
:( I don't even know what to say! I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. I don't know exactly what it is you have, if a condition has been specified, but my best friend's brother gets cluster headaches (forgot the technical name) so from a removed, not pretending like I can really comprehend point of view, I know constant headaches are something that affect your whole life.
ReplyDeleteIt's a lame ass story in comparison, but I take a medication, and for the first month or so, it fucked with me so bad. Anything would set me off into a rage, throwing shit and hitting myself, but eventually things evened out. I really hope you can find something that works for you soon!
:( hugs. I don't know what to say. I guess it's true what my momma says: health is the most inportant thing.
ReplyDeleteJen. I just wish I was around to hug you. I know that it couldn't make anything better in the long run but here is a virtual hug in the hopes that it'll help a bit.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend is going through very similar stuff to you. She has immune system problems and sleep disorders that have gone undiagnosed for years. (Actually, you guys would probably have a lot of venting in common.)
Remember that your blog is your blog and not to be apologetic about what you post. We're here to read/listen.
We care about you. Good luck and keep us updated.
(In reply to your somewhat intimidating comment on my blog, I'm about to go write a tmi-ish post. Pour vous.)
I'm going to fly over from England and give you a big British hug. I'm told I smell of tea and like medication-that-cures-every-type-of-hangover-ever. I wish I could be that helpful. I guess we can just settle on a big hug.
ReplyDeleteAww! If you need to talk to me, I'm here for ya.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say. I've never had to go through something like that to the extent that you have/do, so saying 'I understand what you're going through' would be a bit of a stretch. I can only imagine, and even imagining such a situation isn't pretty - I can't even fathom what actually going through it must be like.
ReplyDeleteYou're a a trooper. I know that for a fact. For ages I had no idea you had these issues, I just thought you were as healthy as most other teens. That says a lot about how you don't let your condition run your life. You've got a lot of positive things going on, and you project a positive attitude. Hell, you're even directing your own play! That's boss. It says a lot about your strength of character that you're still able to project a positive personality and that you're accomplishing so much.
Of course there's times that you're going to feel down. No one can stay upbeat 100% of the time. It's only natural that you'll feel under the weather here and there. And like you yourself said, there's days where you feel great and days that you don't. That's normal. There's plenty of people out there that let the situation get the best of them, but you're not one of those people. You're stronger than that.
Hope my ramblingness was of some use here. I hope that you feel better soon from this latest setback, and are able to find something to deal with your headaches that works and doesn't have an adverse affect on you. Like I said - you're tough. You'll beat this.
Just watch some Doctor Who in the meantime :P
Take care.