The Appointment

                My office, as per usual, is spotless.  For my next client, it has to be.  If there is anything lying around, he will find it and fiddle with it until it breaks.  He got a hold of my reading glasses once and snapped them at the bridge when I asked him a question that had startled him.  That was the last time I left anything of value on my desk within his reach.

                It’s been a while since I’ve seen Holden.  He skipped out on his last appointment, so it has been nearly a month.  The last time I saw him, he complained about his girlfriend at the time being obsessed with the Beatles.  Said something about them being phonies, with their long hair and ‘stupid, catchy music.’

                I’ve left the appointment time before Holden’s free, because I know that he tends to be early without thinking to appointments, and he rarely knocks.  At 10:03, there is a knock at the door and, without waiting for an answer, Holden saunters in.  “Hey Doc, how ya been?” He beams at me.  The smile on his face seems pained and nearly a grimace, not the usual jokey smile that Holden gives me when he walks in.  I have known him for five years, and over those five years I’ve seen him sad and upset and happy and manic, but I’ve never seen him look quite like this.

                He looks defeated.

“I could ask you the same thing.  Are you alright?” I ask as Holden sits in the chair in front of my desk, scooting it up close.  He pulls my pencil cup towards him and starts fiddling with the pencils.  He ignores me.  I grab back the cup and fix him with a look.

                “Holden, answer my question.  What’s wrong?  Also, why did you miss your last appointment?  I called your parents, D.B…. I even called Phoebe.  No one knew where you were.  Do you want to talk about it?” Holden takes off his ratty, tattered hunting hat at my words.  He turns it over and over in his hands, avoiding eye contact.

                He is quiet, composed.  Then all of the sudden he starts talking. It is like a dam broke in him and all of the words are spilling out.

                “Did Phoebe tell you she had her kid?  Yeah, she got married right out of college, to that French guy, Jean-Claude.  She met him when she was traveling, living in France to get inspiration for her writing.  At first I was upset, but I couldn’t have said anything to her.  I mean, it’s Phoebe.  She wouldn’ta listened to me anyway.  She can pretty goddam stubborn when she wants.  I guess she learned it from me.

                “I mean, I wish that I could have been there for her more when she was younger, but I was always away at those schools.  She was one of my favorite people.  Still is.  I guess I thought that she should’ve gotten a chance to live before she became a mom, I guess.  But she had a little boy. Named him Allie.  I damn near cried when she told me.

                “You know what else she did, Old Phoebe?  She named me the kid’s godfather.  How’s about that?  Me, a godfather.  Phoebe trusts me enough to be the kid’s goddam godfather.  Answer me this, huh, Doc? How am I supposed to be this kid’s godfather if I’m killed in the war?  How am I supposed to be around for him if I’m gunned down in Vietnam?”  Holden stares at me.

                It all starts to make sense.  The President announced the need for a draft for the Vietnam War about a month ago.  No wonder Holden is having an episode.  He’s been drafted.  I take a moment to assess Holden’s appearance, which is usually the first sign of his mental state.  After working with him for five years, I’ve seen him at his worst and at his admittedly less than fantastic best.   One of the first appointments he had, he ranted about Korea for two hours.  He still had his military high-and-tight at that point and a righteous fury for the military.  I think that was the one time I’ve heard him describe something without using the word ‘phony.’  He described the army instead as hell on Earth.  And now he has to go back.  No wonder he looks like he’s having a mental breakdown.

                Holden leans back in his chair, running his fingers through his hair in frustration.  It is long, very long, the top layer of dark curls covering up the gray hairs that make him look like an old man and not a man in his twenties.

                “How come I have to go back there, Doc?  I paid my dues.  I did my goddam time.  I saw a buncha my buddies blown up and gunned down and I thought I was away from that hell but now I have to go back.  Why?  Tell me why!”  Holden’s anguish is palpable.

                “I can’t tell you why, Holden.  I don’t know why.”  He eyes me angrily.

                “Get me out of the draft.”  His voice is quiet, but there is a rage behind it.  I shake my head and Holden’s eyes tear up.

                “Then what good are you?  You’re a doctor, and you can’t do a goddam thing.  Write me a letter, put me on meds, say my eyesight’s bad, I don’t goddamn care.  Just get me out of the draft.   I can’t go back there.  I can’t.  I won’t make it.  And then I can’t be little Allie’s goddamn godfather, and I can’t read anymore of D.B.’s books.  I won’t make it, Doc.  You have to get me out.”  Holden is crying.  He wipes the mucus and tears off of his face with one swipe of his sleeve.  I open my mouth to answer, but then I shut it.  I can’t forge any papers for Holden.  I could be imprisoned.

                “Please, Doc.  Please.  You have to help me.”  Holden stands and leans on my desk, his body all angles and points, the legs too long for the torso and the arms too long for his sleeves.  I stare at his bony wrists instead of looking at him.

                “I am going to goddam die.  Aren’t you supposed to help people who are about to die?  Isn’t that the point of doctors?”  Holden grabs my wrists, pulls me to my feet, forcing me to look at him.

                “Let go of me.” I say.  Holden drops my wrists like I am made of burning coals.

                “It’s been nice knowing ya, Doc.  Truly.  You’re an okay dame.  Real goddam smart.  But I ask you for one favor, one thing to save my life, and you say no.  I am not going back to war.  If you can’t help me, I will find a way to get out of it myself.  I can’t go back, Doc.  I still hear the screaming in my sleep.  I still hear the bullets whizzing past my goddam head.  I can still see my buddies on the ground covered in blood when I close my eyes, choking on their own tongues as they die in front of me.  And I mean, you won’t help me from going back to that?  You’re a goddam crook.  And I’m done coming here.  So thanks for nothing, Doc.”  Holden shoves his hat back onto his head, so violently that I hear the fabric rip a little.  Holden jumps at the sound, and his eyes tear up again.

                “Holden, just sit!  Talk about this before you do something rash!” I call after him as he races to the door.  He slams it in my face before I finish my sentence.  I call down to reception but I am too late.  Holden is gone.

Two weeks later…

                “Phoebe, hello.  Thank you for calling.  Yes, someone has informed me; I’m so sorry for your loss.  No, Holden did not tell me of his intentions the last appointment we had.  Yes, I had heard that Holden was drafted again.  No, I can’t let you see my notes; I’m sorry - Doctor-patient confidentiality.  Yes, the confidentiality still carries post-mortem.  No, I did not know that Holden still had his gun from Korea.  I don’t think I could attend the funeral, but thank you for asking, Phoebe.  Oh, and congratulations.  Holden told me about your son.”

*********************

So this is the closest I will ever get to fan fiction... It was for my English Class, as our culminating Catcher In the Rye project.

I don't know what else to say besides sorry.

Or you're welcome; I'm kind of proud of this.

I'm not proud of killing off one of literature's most beloved assholes, but I am proud of the writing.

So yeah.

Here is a thing that I did.

Enjoy.

Love and kisses,

Jennelle

Look Everyone! Do You See That? It's My Life!

Wave goodbye to it!

It's flying away on it's trip to Planet gone.  I am, as per usual, ridiculously busy.  However, I realize that I haven't updated you all on ANYTHING, and I need to rectify that as I had a very good past few weeks.

So my play went really well.  Like really really well.  I felt like a proud parent.  I was up in the light booth doing the sound, and as I brought down the sound and my lights guy brought down the lights, the entire auditorium jumped up in a standing ovation.

THE ENTIRE AUDITORIUM.

I GOT A COMPLETE STANDING OVATION.

Excuse me while I faint.

I started tearing up as the play finished, and the tears were worse as I saw everyone standing.  And then one of the directing coordinators from Ipswich hugged me as I was leaving, bawling her eyes out.  Then I got backstage and saw my cast crying.  My teacher was sobbing.  That was when I burst into tears.  I was just like 'yup, that's it, I'm tapping out.'  I cried on and off for the rest of the night.

My main character came running off the stage and he basically tackled me in a hug. I feel like if I had hugged him any tighter I would have broken one of his ribs.

It was magical.  I am not exaggerating when I say it was probably the best day of my life.

And then later in the day, when they were giving out awards, the judges started talking about how writing new work was the lifeblood of theater.  All of my kids were pointing at me and I was blushing so darkly.  When the judge said the "J" in "Jennelle" all of the Georgetown section basically jumped three feet into the air.  They started screaming before my whole name was said.  And the entire auditorium was standing, applauding.

Guys, I hate braggarts, but I got two standing ovations.  THIS IS THE FIRST THING I'VE EVER REALLY LET ANYONE SEE.  This piece of work.  This is my first big thing that I've let people read and react to.  The first thing ever.  And it did so well!!!!

I am still so proud of it.  Not only that, but I had a director approach me for the rights to my play so they could put on a production of it.

Yeah.

You heard me.

SOMEONE ASKED ME FOR THE RIGHTS TO MY PLAY.

SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO PUT IT ON.  SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO DIRECT IT.  THEY LIKED IT THAT MUCH.

I can't even breathe.  This was all two weeks ago.

Then I got the obligatory director's cold, and I was sick for a week.  It wasn't fun, and the lack of things to do was disheartening since I enjoy having things to do.  I'm a worrier.  I like to worry about things.

So anyway, last Tuesday I was inducted into my school's chapter of NHS, or National Honor Society, for those of you who don't know.  It basically is a cult for smart people.  I'm joking.  It is a time honored club that deals with community involvement and having the best of the best be in its ranks.  I am really proud of myself for being in this group.  I didn't even know if I'd make it in when I passed in my application.  My school is kind of full of over-achievers and geniuses for such a small town.

But I got in, and my history teacher, who is one of my favorite people and also the NHS adviser, gave the induction speech.  Now, I haven't really heard him talk about anything other than history for the entire year, so it was nice to hear about him and where he came from.  It was a really great speech, actually.  It made me think.  He mentioned thanking the people who have had an impact on your life.  So thank you guys.  Having you all as an audience and as friends has changed me as a person, and definitely for the better.  I don't know who I would be without all of you!

I also got my senior schedule.  I have three core classes - AP English, AP Spanish, and Honors Calculus.  All of my other friends' schedules were just about completely full or close to it and I have half of my schedule wide open.  So what I did was I talked to my guidance counselor and the head of the English department, and if I can schedule it, I can take both AP English and Honors Mythology next year.  Coupled with the fact that most of the electives I'm taking being English electives, my English teacher was joking with me saying that my senior year will be more like a first year of college than anything.  So I'm really happy about that.

And this brings me up to this weekend.  I went to a friend's house for a St. Patrick's Day party.  And these are my new friends from Drama Fest, so they are all from Ipswich.  I always forget that people sometimes like me when I leave Georgetown.  So I was at my friend's house, and I met one of his friends.  And we hit it off.

Long story short, I am now apparently going to two proms, when at the beginning of the year I didn't think I'd be going to one, and I am texting a guy who is really attractive and doesn't find me annoying or weird yet!

I don't know what this chalks up to, but I'd say that it is a win for Jennelle today.

That was ramble-y and disjointed as anything I've ever written.  And I want to major in writing.  What a laugh.

Alright guys, I have homework to go finish.  As per usual.

But I love you all and I'm really glad you all exist in some way, shape, or form on this planet.

I'll talk to you later!

Love and kisses!

Jen

So I'm A Day Off, But Today is a Big Day!

Or it was.
Yesterday was my two year anniversary.
Dudes, I've been doing this for two years.
TWO YEARS.
Oh my god,  if you have put up with me that long, I thank you.  To my bloggy type mates, I miss you guys and I will be around soonish and I will check up on all of you.
Other than that, I have APUSH homework to finish.  But I love all of you and I can't wait to keep this going forever.
Just, thank you.
Love and kisses,
Jen

Awww, I Love These Things.

So I got tagged in a Liebster Award from my pally-wally Izzy (whom I love, and I swear to God above I will email you back as soon as I'm done with my play XOXO) and I figured that while I am procrastinating finishing my AP work (which I really should finish considering how it is due tomorrow and I had all vacation to do it and I DIDN'T because I was busy with other things but whatever; none of you care about that) I would do this because it makes me happy that I was nominated so yay.  I love getting things.  Or being nominated for things.

I promise that I will update all of you on my ridiculous life later, but right now, let's procrastinate!  Onwards and upwards!

Question One: Who is your favorite musical artist ever?
Izzy, you are a cruel mistress.  I have no idea who my favorite musical artist is, because it is constantly changing.  Going on voice alone, and how willing I am to pirate their music, I'd have to say Aaron Tveit - and if you don't know Aaron Tveit, be prepared.  I am planning to do a post about how much I love him.  But yeah, Aaron Tveit.  I love his voice an inordinate amount.  It is kind of sickening, really, but hey - who's judging?  Not this kid.
...Oh, did you mean like MUSICIAN, not like... musical artist... Like not an actor... Oh my god I'm an absolute idiot.
Musical artists - right now it's Johnny Flynn.  The same statement holds from before.  My preferences are always changing.
Actually, getting down to brass taxes, I think Aaron Tveit is just my favorite everything.

Question Two: Favorite John Green Book?
No contest.  The Fault in Our Stars, hands down.  The is the first book that I've ever written in, it affected me that much.  John Green is my inspiration, and his books are proof that you don't have to write down to teenagers, which happens so often in the YA genre.  TFiOS affected me more than a book should be able to, so that is my favorite.

Question Three: Best Harry Potter character and why?
I am not meaning to sound cliche when I say this, but honestly, Harry is my favorite character, and he is the best character to me.  Harry is weirdly underrated as a favorite character when you ask people.  I connect with Harry.  He is trying to make his way through this wonderful world that he has discovered, a world that doesn't solve all of his problems, a world that creates problems just the way the Muggle world does.  Harry is brave, and a good person, and intensely loyal to his friends and while he isn't as smart as Hermione or as funny as Ron, Harry is so sarcastic and so sassy (something that was missing from the movies, in my opinion.  Sass Potter is the best Potter.).  But Harry was, no is, one of my best friends.  He got me through my childhood.  He was my best friend when I needed one, and he is always there when I need him.  Harry is my favorite and he is the best, because he is such a good person, and I think we can all learn a learn a lesson from him.
And thus ends my rant.

Question Four: Do you get along well with your siblings?
Yes and no.  For those who don't know, I have two brothers - one older, one younger - and while my older brother and I get along simply because of our proximity of age, my younger brother and I have a great deal more in common and if he were older would probably be friendlier.  So yes, I do get along quite well with my brothers.  They can both being annoying little shits, but I love them anyways.

Question Five: Do you prefer big fluffy socks, slipper socks, or slippers?
BIG FLUFFY SOCKS.  END OF.

Question Six: Favorite film you've watched this year?
UGH.  This is another evil question.  Well, considering that I watched Les Mis on the first, I'm inclined to say Les Miserables, because it was kind of a life-changing experience.  I mean, let's be honest, it really was.  If any of you follow me on Tumblr, you know this.  My Tumblr is basically a shrine to Les Miserables, Aaron Tveit's butt, really terrible puns, and off-color humor.  You should follow it for a laugh.  And I'm not joking about the Aaron Tveit's butt thing.  That is a thing.  (Sorry for the self-promotion; I honestly laugh at these things and I want others to laugh with me.  So laugh with me?)
Besides Les Miserables, I really liked Howl, with James Franco and (WHAT A SHOCKER) Aaron Tveit.  It was a movie about Allen Ginsberg, and I loved it.
Also, Girl Walks Into A Bar with (HOLY SHIT I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM SEND HELP I HAVE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP) Aaron Tveit (WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT?) and a bunch of other people.  You can watch it for free on YouTube and I totally recommend that you do, since the banter in this movie is legendary and it is all that I strive for in my own writing.
So yeah. Those are my favorites so far.  No one judge me.

Question Seven: Do you prefer high school or university? (Sorry Jen!)
I'm assuming the sorry Jen is for me, as I am (so sadly) not yet out of high school.  I don't really mind high school.  It's fine, but I'm pretty done with it at this point.  I can't wait to start the next part of my life, and at this point I just need to get out of my tiny little town and see the world.  However, I have one year left, which is stupid, but hey, I'm fine with not growing up and assuming adult responsibilities.

Question Eight: Favorite fizzy drink?
Oh Izzy, you are so delightfully British and when I come to England I am hanging out with you in real life and we are getting fizzy drinks and talking about boys and generally being goons.  Do you want this?  Because I do.  But my favorite fizzy drink is Fanta.  I do like all orange sodas, but Fanta is my favorite, and it reminds me of Israel.  Other than Fanta, I like ginger ale and root beer.

Question Nine: Favorite season?
I am partial to autumn because 1. my birthday is in autumn; 2. where I live it is exceptionally beautiful during the autumn; and 3. it is the perfect temperature for me.

Question Ten: Make-up - do you care about it or not?
Hmm, this is a tough one.  I absolutely do wear make-up.  I don't like the whole feminist idea that make-up was created by men and that women shouldn't wear it.  If you want to wear make-up, wear the fuck out of that make-up.  Wear it for you.  That is who I wear it for.  I wear makeup for myself.  I wear it to get rid of my dark circles and my acne scars and all that other junk.  I think wearing red lipstick makes me feel like a princess and if I could wear it every day I totally would.  I wear eye makeup almost every day because I like how it looks.  It makes me feel pretty and that is what counts.
But I also have days where I say 'fuck it' and I throw in the towel and I only put on lotion and I still feel just as beautiful as if I was wearing all of my makeup.  Makeup is a state of mind.  We are all the makeup.

So thank you for this, Izzy!  I don't really know who to tag, because I kind of don't have enough brain power or time left to procrastinate to figure out who to tag, so that will come later.  But it will come!  Possibly with my next post!

Love and Kisses, all of you goonies!

I'm off to finish my work and then to watch the Oscars, because the Les Miserables cast is performing and I need my daily dose of Aaron Tveit and Eddie Redmayne.  What can I say; I'm insatiable.  And insane.

Yes that too.

Alright - love and kisses fooligans!

Jen

Welcome To My Insanity

Hello there lovelies,

I'm back.  Kind of.  We'll see how well I keep a schedule.  I am procrastinating doing my Spanish homework to type this, because I missed you all!  I read a bunch of your blogs while I wasn't writing, but I didn't have the time to sit down and really write for you, which is nice.  I miss writing.

The only thing I write nowadays are my to do lists.

And since I don't really have anything to write about today, but I wanted to write something, without further ado, here is a copied over version of my to do list from a few days ago.  Don't freak out.  And no, I haven't changed anything.  I'm copying it over exactly as it is.

1/30/13 TO DO TODAY

1.       APUSH HW

§  APT ch. 9 due Friday

Ø  Read it soon; just get it done

2.       Rough edit of "Waiting Room"

§  Get the rough edits in so that everyone can download it

Ø  Plus you need to get the basic lighting ideas & set design down so you can start work on it right away

3.       FIND A COFFEE TABLE!

4.       ASK SOME CREW GUYS FOR HELP! ASK THEM EARLY! AS IN SOON!

5.       Spanish wksht for Homework

§  Do it during rehearsal INSTEAD of going on Tumblr.  Think of how nice going to bed before 12 AM sounds.  Do it.  DO IT!

Ø  Seriously.  You are not your limbic system, and you can control your brain, it should not control you.

v  Write that shit on your wall.  That’s motivational!

6.       English Homework

§  Fireside Poets

Ø  Do @ home since you don’t actually have a book

Ø  Do your vocab as well, but @ the school

v  And before you go on Tumblr, think of how nice a 10 PM Bedtime sounds.

7.       Math Homework

§  pg 319-320

Ø  BLECH ASYMPTOTES

v  Try to finish @ school

8.       Study for Anatomy & Physiology

§  Test Friday

§  STUDY A LOT! Get a 100%!

Ø  You definitely need it to bring up your grade average!

9.       Sign up for SATS!

§  Figure out if there is a test after March.

Ø  If not, pray to all the gods in the world and universe that things work out okay.

10.   Remember to plan for work until approx. 8:30 tonight.

§  So dinner @ 9:00?

Ø  Yay.

v  Sarcasm

11.   Go through all of those college emails @ one point. (read: soon)

§  Start thinking of places to look and then give Mum and Dad a list of the places you’ve been looking at and the reasons behind each choice

Ø  With UChicago, you cannot say it is like Hogwarts

v  Or, you can.  You just shouldn’t.

12.   Bring a clip and real sneakers for gym tomorrow.

§  Because, you know. Gym.

Ø  Kill me.  With a heavy, blunt object.  Thanks.

13.   Find a container for your everyday thanks  papers.

§  And you know, actually keep writing them.

14.   Rip those 3 CDs and the Harry Potter Audio Books.

15.   Write down some ideas to start working on for next year's Drama Festival.

§  Make it AWESOME.

Ø  Fallen angel, Valentine’s story, Internet friends?

FIN

And here is my life.  This is why I am never writing blog posts.  Because I am worrying about all of this stuff.

Welp.  I have to go do Spanish homework.

Toodle pip.

Love and kisses,

Jen