Quote of the Week

Take a shower, shine your shoes/ You got no time to lose/ You are young men you must be living/ So go now you are forgiven.
-The General, Dispatch

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Just Call Me Myrtle, Because I Am About To Moan...

Clever title, right? I'm full of hilariosity.  Honestly, I don't know how I live with myself.

But today isn't going to be all sunshine and roses and me being hilarious and bringing humor into your lives like a humor-bringing thing.
No. Today I'm going to moan.
If you don't like moaning, the exit is, quite literally, the X at the right or left of your screen, depending on the brand of computer you have.

Ready? Are they gone?


Good. If they are gone, I don't love them nearly as much as I love you all.  Honestly. I love you all much more than them.  Muchos kisses mi smallus amigos. (And I say that I'm in Spanish 3. What a laugh and a half.)

So let me tell you my story.

I have this issue where I was all high and mighty and didn't like anyone 'like that' for I want to say four years, which coming from a teenage girl, is like saying I've been a virgin lesbian monk for 79 years and that I have a beard and a moustache and I live in a cave in the Himalayas.


Obviously none of that is true, besides the bit about me not liking anyone for four years. But that is what I'm trying to get at. I haven't liked anyone for four years, which is nuts. My friends liked guys and fell out of like with guys and I was like their proverbial rock in the storm. They clung to my apparent freakish non-normal self because I had a clear head. That is clearly a lie, but I apparently offered the best advice on relationships, which is hilarious and ironic because I've never been in one. A relationship that is. Saying that I was going out with a guy for fifteen minutes in the sixth grade doesn't count.

Anyfloozle, this year I met a guy. Shocking beginning to the tale, I know. Like I said, I'm not a lesbian monk. But I met a guy. And he is really, really cool. And I guess it is a good thing he doesn't know that I have a blog, because then he would find this and he would know it was about him. And he would get a big inflated head and that is the last thing that I would want to happen. It's already inflated enough. But that's one of the reasons I like him, odd as that may sound.

I met him talking at a marching band parade. The first conversation we ever had we talked about how me and my friend Elliese have penis envy and we want to have one for one day only for the sole purpose of writing our names in the snow. This, ladies and germs, is what me and my friends think about. But he was funny. And we got to talking more. And, the blossom of LUUUURRRVVVE began to grow.

But then, the pruning sheers of horrible comments appeared. He said that he was like my brother. And I was all 'Suuuurrrreee!' and I said it with that horrible fake smile that feels like it has been plastered onto your face.

Then the flirting started. And there was a lot of it. I knew he was flirting with a lot of other girls, but me being vair vair pathetico, I thought I was different. So I kind of told him that I liked him. And then things left the Valley of the Casually Okay and entered the Mountains of the Majestically Awkward. We didn't talk for about a week and a half. Which, for those of you who don't know, is about seven years in teenage girl time.

So I wrote him a note like the romance novel heroine that I am and now we're friends again. But he's trying not to flirt with people anymore. Which sucks because I love hugging people. (I love hugging people. I love hugs. I will literally hug anyone. I don't care if I haven't known you that long, I will hug you.) And in trying not to flirt with people he's moaning to me about it.

And now I'm moaning to you. It's like the big circle of MOAN.

Or a pyramid of moan, since you can't moan to him about me moaning about him. Or if you can, please don't!


Wait, I didn't tell you his name, and as far as I know, none of you know him, so I'm in the free and clear!

Woopdedoo and PANTS!

Okay, moaning/storytime over. I just used all of you like a diary.  Keep these secrets I have told you until you are cold and in the grave. And like Andrew Marvill said, you can't date in the grave. Or, well, Marvill didn't say that. He implied it though. I had my English midterm today - can you tell?

I feel like I've wittered on enough, like a wittering thing meant to witter away.  I'll let you get back to your lives. They are probably much more interesting than mine.

Parting joke:

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first guy says to the bartender "Hey, I'll have some H2O!" The second guy goes "That sounds good. I'll have some H2O2."
The second guy died.

Love and kisses,


  1. Oh, boy problems.
    He sounds really awesome, and I'm sorry you can't be more than friends.
    I'LL HUG YOU. I like hugs.
    I haven't liked anybody since August. It's a lonely feeling. I kind of admire you for being crush-free for four years.

  2. I've done the 'told them you had a thing for them and then there was two weeks of awkwardness'... it was preeeeetty awkward. But after two weeks it was all good, and we (me and this chica) are fine now.

    It kinda sucks when it happens, but it gets better. For me, I was glad that nothing did happen because I came to the realisation that I wasn't really that attracted to her... she was more of a friend and I was just thinking, "Hey, what the hell, give it a shot", instead of thinking "Omg I totally wanna date this girl cos I've fallen for her". So if something did happen, it wouldn't have lasted that long because I didn't have strong feelings for her in that way, it was more of a 'what if' scenario.

    But whatevs yo, that's just me. Hope it all works itself out for you.

  3. I haven't liked anyone for like the longest time as well!
    I mean I have these guys who I wouldn't mind dating, but I'm not actually crushing on them or anything.

  4. The same happens to me. I have never been in a relationship (I can barely talk to people in general, let alone girls), yet my one friend consistently asks me for advice. Not that I'm complaining, but I feel that I may steer him in the wrong direction, which is most likely my direction. Also, can only girls get penis envy? Just wondering...
    PS: Love the chemist joke.

  5. Potty loves Loony. POTTY LUUUUUURVES LOONY.

    Nice job with the guy! But wait--I don't get it. Are you guys together now? If so, CONGRATS! If not, I'm sorry. :(

    Four years? That's a pretty long time. Are you sure you're not a lesbian? I'm not trying to poke fun at you, you know. Just trying to keep our options open here...

    @Alex. Guys can be envious of other guys' penises, but since they already have penises, they can't really get true Freudian penis envy. Unless they don't have a penis. In which case they are a girl.

  6. Hahahaha this was great. I mean, your words were great, not the situation. I am confused as to why he moans to you about not flirting? It seems he should know that that could hurt your feelings? I hope things turn out okay!!!

    And you can use me as a diary any time you want! I


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