Quote of the Week

Take a shower, shine your shoes/ You got no time to lose/ You are young men you must be living/ So go now you are forgiven.
-The General, Dispatch

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Things My Cousin Said In Church That Made Me Laugh

So this weekend I had to travel in a car for seven hours with my family (each way) to go see my extended family in Pennsylvania because it was my cousin Abby's first communion.

How do I describe Abby? Hmm. Picture Bette Midler at 9. There's Abby. She just did her first communion, but wants to be a Jew. She followed Passover. She kept Kosher for Passover! I'm an observing Jew, and I didn't even do that! Holy Crap, how does that work out? Seriously.

Anyway, so Abby's side of the family is my Jewish side, even though Abby's particular family isn't. Her dad is Italian. Therefore, he's Catholic. And no, he's not in the mob, although I could so see him being in it. His name is Joe. It's so easy.

But Abby's first cousins, and my second cousins (don't ask how it works out, I have not a fucking clue) Leo and Fiona came from New Jersey. They live in Westfield. I know nothing about this town. Anyone from New Jersey enlighten me about the politics of New Jersey. I have not a fucking clue. So Leo is the only cousin I have who is my age. He's possibly the biggest pervert on the face of the fucking planet. Seriously. Every time he'd talk to me, his hand would molest my shoulder. He also has a lisp. He made fun of my hair. I have beautiful hair. See?

He said all I needed was a flannel shirt and I could be a gay lumberjack. What?
Anyway, Leo finds the need to be really offensive in every way possible. He's related to me, what can I say? I've taught him well.
The service for the communion began, and Leo starts singing quietly in Hebrew. He then gains volume until the family in front of us turned around and gave him the 'Your Immortal Soul Will Burn In The Fires Of Hell For That!' Well, that sucks for that glare, because Jews don't believe in Hell! Shamown!
Then, when everyone has to hug their neighbor and say 'Peace Be With You', Leo looked at the family behind us and shook everyone of their hands and said 'May the Force Be With You'. His mum, who is a practicing Irish Catholic, nearly smacked him upside the head. She was steaming. You could see her praying extra hard to the slightly disturbing effigy of Christ within the church.
Finalmente, the straw that broke the camel's back. Leo found a dime on the floor of the church. He was going to pocket it, (hey, we're Jewish!) but his mum said to put it down. It was kind of quiet in the church, yeah, and he says extra loudly, 'Jesus was one greedy Jew!'. His mum kicked him out of the service after that.
I love my family. Honestly I do. I put up with their shoulder molesting, Bette-Midler-ness, greedy Jew-schtick and honestly I love them all to freaking bits.
So here's to the Barosin-Rosenthal-Tammaro clan! Best fuckingly confusing array of religions ever! MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!
Have a great May everyone.
Joke of the Day:
So a priest fell down as I was walking by, and some one told me to "Help that bish-op!"
Okay, not as funny as when you say it out loud. Just say bish-op outloud. Then laugh. Lather, rinse, repeat. That's a funny joke. L. is a silly bitch.
Good night. I'm getting hallucinations of rabbits dancing on my grave. That could be because I watched Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were Rabbit six times. In a row. Methinks Dante forgot that level when he was describing Hell.


  1. Help...that..bish-op? I...OHHHHHHHHHH!!! I get it, I get it!

  2. Wow. This was an intensely amusing post. Me be following now.

  3. I must know what song Leo was singing, because that would make me happy.


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