Quote of the Week

Take a shower, shine your shoes/ You got no time to lose/ You are young men you must be living/ So go now you are forgiven.
-The General, Dispatch

Thursday, May 19, 2011

In Which I Am Sexually Propositioned By An Eight Year Old

Yeah, it happened.

The weirdest shit happens to me when I volunteer at the elementary school.

I volunteer at the school two to three times a week, and it's with kids grades two to five. I honestly love all of these kids. They are hilarious. But some of them just go too far because they haven't figured out about The Line yet.

The Line. It's a thing.

Okay, okay, explanation. The Line is a phenomena that every person who lives even for a moment around other people knows about. It's that invisible barrier that you just don't cross because to go there is just beyond what is accepted in society. Now I know that as a blogger, sometimes I cross The Line a lot, but the difference is: YOU ALL ARE CHOOSING TO READ THIS! So whatever I say can offend to my heart's delight because all you have to do is close the window. (But don't really close the window, I'm not done telling my tale; It's good I promise) But most people know about the line. Except for those under about 10.

This is where I get sexually propositioned. So I was playing a game on the playground with a little girl named Sophia today, and Sophia is 8. She's a very big tomboy. Like I kind of think that she wants to be a boy. Whenever she's playing games she pretends to be a boy. But I love her. Most of the time.

We were walking back into the school and suddenly I feel her hand on my back. And then she SNAPS my bra strap. Okay, not only was that awkward, she snapped it really hard! Then I said, "Sophia, that was really intrusive and you shouldn't do that."

You know what she asked me?

"What kind of bra do you wear?"

Oh yes, the line's been crossed.

Apparently, Sophia also went around to a bunch of people, asking them to 'smell her finger', as in smell it for weed.

What is going on in this kid's home, like Christ! I thought I was weird as a kid, but she just takes the cake!

Next time I go in, I'm wearing a sports bra. And a cami. And an iron vest. Next thing you know, she'll be groping me. AWKSAUCE!

Parting joke:

(Well, today it's a collection of puns(ish things). Enjoy!)

I fired my masseuse today; she just rubbed me the wrong way.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean morality comes from morons?

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

A pessimists blood type is always b-negative.

And finally...

The Energizer Bunny was arrested, and charged with battery.

Have a great Thursday (or what is left of it), since the world is ending in three days, counting today! Make 'em last!


  1. An iron vest. Hee! I like that.

  2. I'm trying to decide if that's amusing or disturbing. I think a little of both. It's an amusing/disturbing Oreo cookie.

    I love the jokes! Well, some of them. Some of them I thought really just SUCKED.

    Nah, just kidding. I love you.


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